“Hi, my wife and I have been married for only 8 months. We’ve really been enjoying sex! We are an LDS couple. But we’ve never been able to help her “finish” as we like to call it. Meaning we haven’t been able to help her reach orgasm. I’ve tried manual stimulation of the clit as well as oral sex. I feel like she feels the most when i am inside her and hitting her G-Spot. But i know how uncommon it is for a vaginal orgasm. Anyways we know that you are very busy, and maybe can’t answer this but if you could help us out, that would be great! Basically we are wondering two things. 1st Should I be expecting her to orgasm at only 8 months or is it something that will take a lot longer. 2nd is there anything we can do to help her orgasm. I just want her to get to that point of enjoyment in our intimate life.
Thanks!”
Thanks for reaching out and kudos to you for wanting to learn more and take pro-active approach to your sex life. Too many wait until things are really falling apart before seeking information, so we applaud you for taking preventative action.
One of the things we try to help people understand is that sex is a learned skill, like anything else (cooking, playing the piano, snowboarding). It just happens to be one of the only skills out there two people have to learn together which can pose unique challenges. But if you can see it as such, it can remove some of the emotional weight around the thought of, “Something isn’t going right, so we must be failures at sex.” No one fails at sex. It’s just a matter of gaining more education, insight and perspective.
Thanks for reaching out and kudos to you for wanting to learn more and take pro-active approach to your sex life. Too many wait until things are really falling apart before seeking information, so we applaud you for taking preventative action.
Most men go into marriage already knowing sex is going to feel great, and how to orgasm due to pubescent wet dreams and/or masturbation. Although many young women also masturbate, it’s less common among LDS church members (let alone talked about and acknowledged!), and therefore, a lot of young married women really don’t a) know what to expect from sex b) how their own body works c) how to tell their partner what feels good and what doesn’t.
At its most basic, orgasm is a reflex. Enough stimulation = orgasm. Sounds pretty straightforward, right? And often, for young males, it can be. However, sex and/or orgasm require a certain amount of vulnerability — especially on the part of the woman since she is literally the one receiving the male into the deepest part of herself. In order for that vulnerability to occur, trust and the ability to relax must both be present. Your relationship is new. Trust is still being built.
Another big thing many new couples carry into their marriage is sex with a goal and the goal being “THE BIG ORGASM.” It’s easy to define a sexual experience as “good” or “successful” if orgasm happened. Consider moving away from goal oriented sex to pleasure and experience oriented sex. Start noticing the different sensations in your bodies, continue to build trust and communication, and create a foundation where you can continue to learn and grow together.
And lastly, speaking of pleasure oriented sex, another big myth is the idea that one type of orgasm is more superior than another (vaginal vs. clitoral). This is a popular myth the media likes to sell (it makes for great magazine article titles right?) Take your cues from her and what feels good to her. Every BODY is different and what works for one person won’t or will work for another.
We would highly recommend getting our book, Real Intimacy as it will help guide you some of these crucial conversations as well as point out where you might have some gaps in your sexual education. And we recommend Come As You Are to learn more about female sexuality. Now go have some fun with continuing to play, explore and learn about each others bodies!
XO,
Kristin and Alisha
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Send your questions to kristin@thehealinggroup.com and we’ll give you answers. You maintain complete confidentiality so your identity is safe with us.
Wondering who we are? Our names are Kristin and Alisha and we are known as “The Sex Girls.” We are Co-Authors newly published book, “Real Intimacy: A Couple’sGuide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality” and working on our second book, “YES! You can talk to your kids about sex.” Kristin is a Sex Therapist and Alisha is a Sex and Intimacy Coach. The best part about what we do is we are sisters, and not just sisters in the gospel, but literal sisters. Our goal and mission is to start having real conversations about sex and intimacy in our culture so we can have healthier and happier relationships. Intimacy is a part of that. We accomplish this in a variety of ways through workshops, therapy, coaching, radio and television but we also answer real questions from real people who feel stuck or wondering.