April 26, 2010 was a ‘no good very bad day,’ I found myself cold, hungry and behind bars in the Los Angeles, California jail. The cause was addiction. I had fought a long, ruthless battle with addiction and literally went toe to toe with the adversary. I was feeling defeated and broken. Jail and prison is definitely not for the faint of heart, and to be honest my belief now is that the strongest and most obedient souls can often find themselves in situations similar to this. Through observation and experience I have noticed many people’s first inclination when hearing my story is to assume I must have come from a broken or abusive family or I must just be a ‘rebellious soul’, however, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Like Nephi in the Book of Mormon, I was born of goodly parents who loved the Lord and loved me. I never doubted their testimony of God or their love of him and devotion to being the best they knew how to be. My life was full of blessings and opportunities as I was an only child and was spoiled with attention, vacations and support throughout my life. I am a competitive person by nature and believe I was probably this way in the pre-existence. I have always loved exceeding my personal expectations, as well as others’ for me. This attribute contributed to my passion and excitement about competitive swimming and straight A’s during my younger years.
Not all good things last forever and my dreamlike childhood came to a screeching halt when I realized these external things that I loved so much, and had given me so much value were no longer fulfilling to me. In fact, these things I had loved so much were beginning to make me feel resentful and even emptier and I was baffled as to why. I unconsciously began to seek out different ways to fill the “God shaped” hole inside my soul. For those of you who are unfamiliar with a “God-shaped” hole, let me explain. This is the hole God Himself intentionally created within us so we, as fallen men, might continually seek Him and know once we find Him that it is only through Him we can be whole, in my humble opinion.
High school was end of life as my parents or I knew it. I steadily and progressively slid down the slippery and dangerous slope known as addiction. Addiction is a disease centralized in the brain and the symptoms tend to look like ‘badness’ and a poor moral compass, however those are just the symptoms. The actual problem with addicts is our inability to regulate our emotions, and we have an increased perception of stress and threats that others seem to have a more natural time handling. Addicts have an allergy to all mind-altering substances and we tend to break out in hand cuffs and felonies when we consume these substances.
I dropped out of high school at age 17 and had my first beautiful baby at 19, whom I placed for adoption (which is another story for another day). I went on to marry and have two more children, a boy and girl who are now 9 and 8 years old respectively. Addiction led me down many empty roads where I would find myself desperate and alone and confused. Addiction is like a mirage; imagine endlessly traveling on foot in a desert with the sun beating down upon you, toward a body of water to quench your indescribable thirst- only to find its an illusion. I spent years chasing an illusion of happiness or a counterfeit of what I thought would fill my ‘God-shaped’ hole to inevitably discover there was nothing there.
I tried and used every drug imaginable, and at a mere 25 years old, found myself homeless, living in my car, completely alone with nowhere to turn. Prescription drug abuse was the gateway to heroin use, which ultimately took everything I had. The prescription drugs were legal and easy to justify, however they quickly left me wanting for more and heroin seemed like the only solution. The adversary is cunning and in his ability to lure and wait, he can and will make good things seem wrong and bad things seem best.
One beautiful spring morning I woke up to the sound of a knock as I lay in my dirty car. I hurried to hide what I could. I reluctantly rolled down the window and was asked to step outside by the police officer standing with authority and a fixed glare. I quickly realized my time was up and I threw up my flag of defeat and surrendered my vain attempts at controlling my destiny.
To be continued..
-Lindsay Titus
Like Nephi in the Book of Mormon, Lindsay Titus was born of goodly parents and was born and raised in the sunny state of California and later moved to the ‘bubble’ which she now considers home. During her younger years she struggled in a near death battle with addiction and it was this very experience where she realized the fight was not only for her life but for her soul. Lindsay fought ferociously and has overcome addiction one day a time by calling upon the powers of heaven and leaning upon her loved ones. She completed the substance use disorder counseling program at Utah Valley University, as well as helped open and directed a gospel focused treatment center for women only where she thrived. Lindsay takes pride in her two beautiful children and is devoted to spending her probationary days on this earth in the service of her God and helping others break free from the chains of addiction.
Lindsay Titus can be found on facebook as Mormon Face of Addiction