We’re sure most you have not escaped exposure to all the media hype around the 50 Shades of Gray movie. It seems like a new essay or blog post shows up in one of our social media feeds daily. Until now, we have merely read and observed the varying opinions and perspectives — 50 shades of feminism, 50 shades of abuse, 50 shades of__(fill in the blank here). While all opinions are valid, what we have struggled with is that, just like the movie, the boundaries of what it is they are actually discussing are a bit blurred.
Are they discussing abuse and kink? Are they discussing feminism, kink and the empowerment of women? Are they discussing a modern day fairy tale? BDSM is getting a bad wrap and is being misrepresented. Abuse is being glamorized and the tenets of a healthy relationship such as; communication, honoring boundaries, consent, and ongoing consent are all but lost. Our hope for this post today is to untangle the big ball of sexual and relational mess 50 Shades has further fostered in an already sexually confused society. If you have followed us at all, you are aware we are all about education and information. We open the discussion and you decide what to do. We are not promoting or discouraging any type of sexual behavior but providing you with as much sound information so you can further develop your sexual agency.
The greatest danger we see with the 50 Shades phenomenon is not the promotion of an alternative sexual lifestyle but the promotion of what they are declaring as a modern day romance with an abusive dynamic in the name of BDSM. For adolescents trying to sort out their sexuality, they may wonder if this is in fact what a romantic relationship looks like. On the other hand, what 50 Shades has done in a positive way has prompted yet more conversation around sexuality, which in our opinion, is always a great thing.
(A side note for parents: Your teenagers have most likely heard of or had discussions of 50 Shades with friends or peers. It is fanfiction based on the Twilight series. You can use this opportunity to spearhead a conversation with your teens on what BDSM is, what consent is, what abuse is, and what a truly romantic, mutually empowering, relationship is. Lean in to these conversations instead of turning away from. If you can’t pick it apart and say more than, “It’s wrong or evil,” or, “Don’t do it,” how can your teenagers? Simply saying it’s wrong or evil doesn’t provide them with any knowledge or skills to negotiate consent, saying no, saying yes or navigating their own boundaries and limitations in their own lives or relationships. We can’t simply rely on the moral argument to keep help our kids develop into sexual agents unto themselves).
First off, we want to be transparent about not growing up being savvy to BDSM or Kink. We were not socialized around it, did not know what it was, nor was it on our radar. As our conversations regarding sex matured, our knowledge of and exposure to a variety of sexual practices occurred and we have since become much more educated as to wide range of experiences. Again, simple education.
That said, our guess is that most people growing up in an LDS home didn’t have conversations or exposure to BDSM either. In fact, we would go even further saying that most of us didn’t grow up in homes where sex was talked about much — if at all. So the time and opportunity to discuss, think about and develop a strong, healthy, sexual self wasn’t available. But here we are now, faced with more exposure to sexuality than ever before, yet many still lack the skill set and comfort level to break it down to see where we stand on the various issues coming our way. One of our goals as The Sex Girls and as authors of Real Intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality is to bring these conversations to the table and to help people become the experts over their own bodies, their own sexuality, and their relationships.
Like the title, the messages presented in this movie are extremely vague and lines are blurred regarding BDSM, healthy, consensual sex, and abuse. It’s important to define those terms clearly in order to better understand how 50 Shades distorts all of them, so we’re going to walk through our definition of those terms and then, as we said above, hope to simply open the conversation toward better understanding and education.
BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission and Sadism & Masochism. When we did a google search for BDSM on Wikipedia, the following came up:
This article is about consensual sexual behavior. For the medical condition involving non-consensual ideation or behaviour, see Sexual sadism disorder. For the medical condition in which pain/humiliation is required for sexual arousal and causes distress or impairment, see Sexual masochism disorder”
BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, roleplaying, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle.
Did you notice the little writing above the definition stating that BDSM is consensual? Just in case you missed it, here it is again: “This article is about consensual sexual behavior. For the medical condition involving non-consensual ideation or behaviour, see Sexual sadism disorder. For the medical condition in which pain/humiliation is required for sexual arousal and causes distress or impairment, see Sexual masochism disorder.”
To be clear, BDSM, when practiced between two consenting adults, is mutually-agreed- upon sexual play. We acknowledge that to many who are outside the BDSM community, practices of BDSM behaviors appear abusive, but anything taken out of context is often misunderstood. What is one person’s pleasure is another’s perversion.
More from wikipedia: “The APA has made it clear that being kinky is not a mental disorder,” says Susan Wright, Spokesperson for NCSF. “That means people no longer have to fear being diagnosed as mentally ill just because they belong to a BDSM group. We’ve already seen the impact – NCSF immediately saw a sharp rise in the success rate of child custody cases for kinky parents after the proposed DSM-5 criteria was released three years ago.”
It’s important to note that there is an entire spectrum of sexual behaviors, agreements and dynamics within BDSM culture. It’s also important to note, that without good training and understanding of BDSM practices, it can be potentially harmful. And the final thing of note, anything that is not agreed upon, discussed or participated in without enthusiastic consent would be considered abuse or rape. In fact, research shows that people involved with BDSM have some of the highest skills surrounding communication and boundary negotiation because both are critical to a healthy BDSM agreement.
Sex should never be about gaining power over another or using another’s body without regard to what the other may be feeling, wanting or desiring. That’s not sex, that’s abuse. It’s subtle and easy to be confused about if one partner has poor boundaries, low self-concept or is taught that this type of behavior is acceptable. Unfortunately, 50 Shades disguises this type of abuse within the context of a “healthy BDSM relationship” of which it’s neither healthy, nor truly BDSM.This leads us right into our next relationship dynamic which is abuse.
Abuse, in any form, is never acceptable. Often we think of abuse as the outward physical manifestations of someone being slapped or punched, or forcing unwanted sexual advances. Which it is, but it’s also more than that. The idea of “consent” is fairly new to the conversation — especially within an established relationship. It has been a slow slog for our culture to start waking up to the idea that coercion, manipulation, pouting, and so on, are all also forms of abuse if they’re used to gain sexual favors or advantages over another. Recently, the state of California and several major universities around the country have acknowledged the importance of an “enthusiastic yes” as crucial to consensual sex. This is important because what’s being portrayed is that a “no” is a flirty, erotic gesture that really means yes. If one person says, “No,” it is never the role of their partner to interpret that, “No.” Despite what Robin Thicke and other mainstream music and media tries to sell us, no means no. This is important for both men and women and sons and daughters to know so there isn’t confusion around consent. Just straight forward communication. Anything outside of that is abuse or rape. There is no middle ground.
The Red Flag project offers the following as signs of abuse:
- Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
- Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.
- Don’t work or go to school.
- Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.
- Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.
- Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.
- Are always angry at someone or something.
- Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.
- Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.
- Cheat on you or have lots of partners.
- Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).
- Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.
- Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
- Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.
- Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.
- Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.
- Make vulgar comments about others in your presence
- Blame all arguments and problems on you.
- Tell you how to dress or act.
- Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.
- Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
- Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).
- Compare you to former partners.
We encourage you to visit The Red Flag Project to read more on signs of an abusive relationship as well as the Domestic Abuse Project. Abuse is not romantic. Abuse is not kinky. Abuse is abusive.
Our last relationship dynamic is a healthy, respectful one which could include BDSM, but not abuse. In a recent article published in Time Magazine, they offered the following as signs that you are in a healthy relationship:
- You have space
- You speak your mind
- You fight or disagree in a manner that is productive and respectful
- You like yourself and your partner
- You find joy
- You make decisions jointly
- You trust each other
- You are kind
- You have balance
We would like to add that the relationship has boundaries, is mutually supportive of your individual interests, passions and pursuits, there is honesty and openness and, above all, the relationship challenges you to become the best version of yourself without changing who you are. It’s consistent effort investing into a relationship over time where actions match words. It’s everything that an abusive relationship is not. Self-esteem should improve in a relationship and not diminish. Another perspective on what is a healthy relationship comes from Martha Beck in her article written back in in 1997, How To Know It’s Real Love. This has been one of our favorite articles to share with couples and individuals trying to improve the health of their relationships because it challenges many of the romantic ideals media has portrayed as “true love.”
As we continue to see more from the 50 Shades series (remember, there were THREE books, so we can plan on at least two more movies) we are being given fertile ground to develop our thinking and our conversations around sexuality. We have the opportunity to talk with our partners about our sexual preferences, what is working, what is not and what we want more of (or less of). We have the opportunity to talk with our children about what an abusive relationship is, what a healthy relationship is and what truly is BDSM and what it is not. We have the opportunity to help develop our children’s ability to question and critically think about what media is selling us when it comes to “romance” and sexuality. While we might wish the 50 Shades phenomenon would just go away, human sexuality and the need to discuss these challenging topics will continue to become more prevalent in our culture, homes and relationships which we hope will lead to more individuals and couples experiencing “healthy, genuine, sexuality.”
Love,
The Sex Girls
Who are the Mormon Sex Girls? Our names are Kristin and Alisha and we are known as The Sex Girls. We are co-authors of newly published book “Real Intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality”, Kristin is a Sex Therapist and Alisha is a sex and intimacy coach. The best part is we are sisters and not just sisters in the gospel, but literal sisters. Our goal and mission is to start having conversations about sex and intimacy in our culture so we can have healthier and happier relationships. Intimacy is an important part of that. We accomplish this in a variety of ways through workshops, therapy, coaching, radio and television but we also answer real questions from real people to help where they feel stuck.
Send us your questions and we’ll give you answers. You maintain complete confidentiality, so your identify is safe with us. You can find us at realintimacybook.com, thehealinggroup.com, facebook/askthesexgirls or email: askthesexgirls@gmail.com