Goodbye holiday season! Christmas could have easily been a time for me to throw a pity party (not that anyone had time for more parties) that my family is now so different than it was… or worse, we are different than all the other “traditional” Mormon families. You know my story. “I Lived the Perfect Mormon Life”
“True” Mormons take selfies in front of temples lit with Christmas lights and flood the internet with perfect pictures of perfect families. OK, so even “kind of” Mormon-y Mormons can do that. That perfect image is not the focus of my life any more.
For a while, I thought that I was broken. There was this formula that worked for so many (the ones posting the pictures at least) and for some reason my equation didn’t add up. I’ve finally figured out why. The formula is broken. Not me.
Ever since I can remember I’ve had the steps laid out for me. What I wanted blended so magically with what I learned about in primary.
Grow up + mission + marriage + babies + another mission (only choosing the companion this time) + endure to the end= happily ever after. Seemed simple. But the complexities of this equation finally dawned on me as I struggled with my own (seemingly) failures. First of all, sometimes it’s hard to grow up… let alone get married. Some people can’t have babies. Others don’t desire to have babies. Some don’t want to serve missions or maybe have a spouse not interested in that type of service. The possibilities for “failure” are endless and very frequently beyond control.
Wait a second.
We forgot the most important part of the equation- AGENCY.
I recently heard someone talking about what can be described as the “pain gap.” For everything in life we have a perceived excellence, a desired outcome. Then we have the current state or reality. It is the gap between the desired and the present state where we find pain. Now it is one thing to do that to yourself, but to hold someone else up against your standards will inevitably create a gap that not only brings pain to you, but to the person who can’t live up to your ideals. Ouch. I was doing this to my husband. Living his truth doesn’t include blessing the sacrament. Living his truth doesn’t mean going to the temple. I minimized the importance of agency when I tried to force my ideal on him. I’m sorry.
I am not saying that we should have no expectations for ourselves or others. Expectations are a part of setting goals (how’s that New Year’s resolution going?), improving, and feeling some degree of control over the future. When those expectations aren’t met, pain gaps and uncertainty will occur. The challenge is to determine whether or not our expectations of others become oppressive and interfere with our ability to follow the second great commandment: “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Matt 22:39)
In contrast to always being “eternally minded”, I believe a healthier model could be to find gratitude in the moment. Stop wishing for when someone will live up to cultural expectations. Love them as they are right now, not as they may become. Take away the gap. Put agency back into the equation.
Allowing others to live without our expectations looming heavily overhead reminds me of a verse in O Holy Night,
Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
On the same thought, consider these words from 2 Nephi 13:5 “And the people shall be oppressed, every one by another, and every one by his neighbor;….” Are we the oppressors- the ones chaining people to our own understanding instead of allowing them to live according to their own?
My hope this post-holiday season is in a Savior who didn’t pick and choose which sins to die for or who was worthy to die for, but suffered all that every individual could grow in understanding and become an agent… free.
-RL (Guest Blog Post)
Featured Photo by Realistic Imaginations