By Andrew Mair
“I am likely going to have my name removed from Church records.” The words came with little surprise as I heard my friend speak them. My heart was immediately filled with conflict, yet it is a struggle I have had before.
The conflict I’m discussing is the battle between selfishness and selflessness, the contrast that exists between compassion and the spite of indifference. When faced with similar situations, I have been filled with the drive to soothe myself, to make sure the other party experience all of my disappointment.
With my dear high school friend, I subjected her to a dissertation of the truthfulness of the gospel and the error of her decision. With my sister, it was a long letter, followed up by countless passive-aggressive actions and words. I did a little better when my best friend told me about his struggle with the church and his feelings of same-sex attraction, but not much.
I have witnessed and heard about much worse behavior. Family disowning, aggression, both active and passive, ghosting, interventions, and others. I still know that my actions have not always been the most Christ-like.
I think one of the problems is the misunderstanding that if you express love and support for an individual, you then accept and believe what they do, which is just nonsense. Both sides of this issue abound with reactions lacking in compassion and civility. And as stated earlier, I have not been immune from administering poor treatment.
My self-reflection reveals I am more likely to treat others, who I am only casually aquatinted with, far better than those whom I am close. It pricks my heart that is the case. The only silver lining is that it is because I care deeply for my friends and family. I know I need to do and be better. As a friend, as a loved one, as an example of Jesus Christ.
Remember, it is not about you
This is one of the toughest things to apply. When someone moves away from their faith they leave you in it. There is often a metaphorical canyon that materializes. This canyon exists because whatever the relationship before has to continue with a new dynamic. Our faith which may have brought us together or at least gave us commonality now does not, and we feel it may be at risk.
And it is normal to feel abandoned, or hurt. As if that person who chooses another way has physically left us behind. But rarely does that actually happen unless we let it or cause it. I know I have said some very insensitive things to others as they were leaving the church.
What I am not saying is that one needs to shy away from their faith. It can and should be as much of a part of who you are as before. I surmise another party may look less upon you if out of nowhere you caved in your beliefs.
“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like “struggle.” To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now—and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain.”
Fred Rogers
Remember compassion
When my friend Kyle told me he was gay, my first two thoughts were simultaneous. One was “yeah, I figured.” And the second was a question to myself. “Does this change the way you feel about him?” And the answer was a resounding, “No.”
It was only after his separation from the church and a culture that I was fully engaged in, that I struggled with how to treat him well. There was a time when he felt that we were now so different that he didn’t think we could continue as friends.
If I had remembered the first thing I thought of when he “came out,” he would never have felt that way. So remember compassion. Let compassion lead all your interactions, especially when someone is going through a significant change. Showing compassion and love for someone who does not share your beliefs, feelings, or lifestyle does not diminish what you know is true nor conflict with the standards you profess. In fact, in my opinion, it upholds them.
“Listening is a very active awareness of the coming together of at least two lives. Listening, as far as I’m concerned, is certainly a prerequisite of love. One of the most essential ways of saying “I love you” is by being a receptive listener.”
Fred Rogers
Remember to listen
I have made the mistake that the person going through a faith crisis has made a hasty decision. That is rarely the case. Do you think you will give some fantastic point that your loved one has just not considered? I doubt it. Often, they have turned to the same tools they knew while in the church. They pray about it, they search the scriptures, they talk to others both in and out of the church, they ponder on it, they do not decide one night to leave.
So, turn off the preacher, and turn on the listener. Listening is not being quiet, awaiting the moment to make your point. It is an active endeavor. It is a sign of love. Listening builds trust. When we are baptized we covenant to “mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosish 18:9). It does not conflict with the covenant to “to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in,” (Mosiah 18:9) Listening is one of the prime ways to comfort others.
“Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them”
Matthew 7:22
Remember the golden rule
Several years ago, I had a big decision to make as to where my life was heading, a choice that has affected everything since. At the time, I reached out to those I trusted. I received advice and warnings. I listened to them all I considered all the wisdom and ultimately made up my mind and moved ahead. In each case, even if my trusted advisor had given more caution than encouragement, each of my confidants expressed their love and support for my decision. Because of that, I will continue to keep each of them in my counsel.
Do not say or do anything that will erode trust. That does not mean you shouldn’t share your thoughts and feelings and yes your testimony of the gospel. But keep the lines of communication open. If they ask for your advice, give it clearly but always leave an open door.
While serving a mission, I had worked hard to be able to state things in a way that taught the doctrine but also stopped the discussion. I was pretty good at it, depending on how familiar with the scriptures my opponent was. I had used this skill in both successful arguments where I stumped the accuser, and others in which I was stumped with. Each experience with what was unfortunately called “Bible Bashing,” I left feeling worse about myself even when my argument confounded the other successfully. Neither party was uplifted, and each of us left with a hollow feeling.
Luckily I never had to interact with those individuals again. But I would hate to be the next missionary to talk to them.
“For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” (3 Nephi 11:29)
3 Nephi 11:29
I heard a story about a teacher instructing novice teachers. He placed a cake at the front of the class. He asked if anyone would like a piece when a student responded positively, he proceeded to reach into the cake with his fingers and grasp what was formerly a delightful and delicious treat and threw it at the student. As bad as it was to engage in such behavior as a young missionary, at least metaphorically, how much worse is it to treat my loved ones the same way.
Remember the example of Christ
As close as any man can get to, but not actually be my father, is my Uncle John, and I have always felt like we have a very special relationship, and we do. In fact, through most of my life, I have believed I was his favorite. But as an adult, I have come to realize that I am not alone. Through his love and concern for others, my uncle John has developed very similar relationships with many others, each one I’m sure thinking that maybe they were his favorite. I am talking daughters, sons-in-law, nephews nieces, grandkids, friends and often strangers.
My point in telling about my Uncle John is, outside of a wedding or funeral, I never saw him step foot into a church. He had an strong knowledge of the scriptures. He knew the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and covenants. He smoked and drank. He swore and sometimes told dirty jokes. And he was one of the strongest examples of Christ-like behavior I have ever known.
“Most of my life I have spent acquiring knowledge of all sorts. I feel a day that I haven’t learned something new is a lost opportunity. I am honest to a fault, I can’t lie even if that means saying nothing. I strive for perfection in everything I do. I don’t steal. I have worked for everything I have. My word is my bond. A hand shake is a binding oath. If someone is in need and I have the skills that can help, I feel duty bound to help them…My family is the most important thing in my life, my first consideration.”
My Uncle John
Some of my strongest examples of Christlike behavior have come from diverse places. Both within, and often without the church membership. They range from coworkers to scoutmasters. From Bishops to atheists. From comic book geeks to mechanics. From artists and musicians to athletes. As mortals, few of us have ever walked with Christ, at least not in a worldly sense. Our key example is limited to what we read, the feelings we get when we pray, and in what we hear and see others do and say.
Do not discount or separate yourself from someone only because they are leaving or have left the church. Choose to follow Christs, example and continue to care for them.
“Caring comes from the Gothic word kara, which means “to lament.” So caring is not what a powerful person gives to a weaker one. Caring is a matter of being there … lamenting right along with the one who laments.”
Fred Rogers
This quote by TV’s Mr. Rogers sounds very similar to the words of Alma:
“and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in”
Mosiah 18:8-9
Throughout my life, I have often thought the simple question “What would Jesus do?” which is very good advice. However, when you are dealing with those who are having a faith crisis or leaving the church for one or more of a thousand individual reasons, sometimes we need further information to know what Jesus would actually do. So first seek that understanding through the spirit. Then, if you are still unsure, you can always ask yourself, “What would Mr. Rogers do?”