Our set-up was working so well. Even though my husband stopped believing in the church, we had come to a happy place of mutual love and respect. He even went to church with us of his own accord. Then we ran into trouble. It was fall and we were visiting family for the holidays. We sat down in Sunday school with the rest of the family (p.s. everyone in the family already knew about my husband) as the lesson began with the ever so inspiring topic of Apostasy. The awkwardness began building as the lesson went on. The lesson then got to the point where discussion was opened up to the reasons why people apostatize. No matter how well-meaning all the members were, their answers were mainly reduced to sinning and reading anti material. The flippancy of the discussion brought back all the pain I had experienced when I thought that these black-and-white reasons were my husband’s same reasons for leaving. I had begun to understand the complexities. At that point in the lesson, I intentionally dropped my baby’s snacks, made her cry, and handed her to my husband so he could escape. I followed soon after, ugly bawling as we drove home.
In a previous article, I wrote about not wanting to choose between my faith and my spouse. A year later, I still believe that choosing both is possible, however, I now feel that there are times when a person may have to choose whether church or family is top priority (which is kind of silly because the two terms used to seem almost like one). We do everything at church in hopes of having a stronger family. Well, what happens when weekly attendance actually weakens your family? I guess that’s the point at which one must analyze priorities. I have often heard people express their list of priorities as follows: 1-God, 2-Family, 3-… This is fine and might work for many people. But for me, the God I worship would never expect me to turn against the people I love simply because they don’t believe in Him. That is my God of love- one that is less worried about me worshiping a certain way and more worried about me loving completely.
As you can probably guess by this and my other articles, I’m not really into the “outward expressions of inward commitments.” At least not in the traditional way. I care a whole lot less about the length of a person’s shorts, their commitment to a certain diet, or church attendance than I do about whether they are a kind, good, honest person. I deeply respect those like my husband who are good for the sake of being good instead of to earn a specific reward in society or in heaven.
Just to make myself clear, I’m not telling everyone to stop going to church. I’m advocating that you do what is best for your own health and that of your family. Going to church should not be one of those times we feel like we are suffering in the name of God. If church is no longer a sanctuary for you and your family, don’t go. I feel that each person should be able discern what is best for their own spiritual growth.
If I’ve learned anything in the last two years, it is that thinking differently than the way tradition dictates is lonely. It’s lonely feeling that you are on your own in your way of viewing/living life. My hope is that I can make others feel a little less alone by allowing them to live the life that makes most sense to them based on their unique experiences and understandings.
The real reason I write this is because I know the pain of having a spouse leave the church. I know the wedge it can create in a family. And I know how this pain can push marriages to their breaking points. I hope it won’t be yours. Stop looking at spouses through church lenses and evaluating them based on a Mormon measuring stick. Instead, see them for their goodness as human beings. Remember all the things you love about them that remain the same whatever their membership status. Be willing to make compromises and maybe even live your own kind of Mormonism.
RL