“Brothers and Sisters…”
*In my mind I see them adjusting the podium to my height*
When Brother Steadman asked me to speak on Why I left the Cultural Hall, I was nervous. You all know me, I am not the kind of person who shrinks from the spotlight. I have what some doctors call, “Vomit of the Words”, and I have never been shy about sharing every juicy little detail of my life…Even with complete strangers…Even when they didn’t want me to….Even when they asked me to stop….
But even though talking about myself is usually something that I look forward to, I find that when it comes to this specific topic, I have very little interest in sharing. Maybe it is because I am afraid of how I might be judged as a result of my honesty. Maybe I have grown so fond of you all that I would rather just disappear into the ether, rather than risk having you all think less of me. I know some of you out there in the congregation will understand, maybe even identify with what I about to share, but I know some of you will not. My only hope in sharing this message is that in doing so, I can move forward with whatever is next for my life with a knowledge that I have been as genuine as possible. I have put my whole life out there for the world to see, so I suppose it is only fair that I include this part as well.
Over a year ago I was feeling stagnant spiritually, and in life. I was 30 years old, unmarried, no job, freshly graduated from college, and about to be kicked out of my YSA ward and sent to the mid-singles version. My most recent relationship of 3 years had ended abruptly the prior New Years Eve when the man I loved informed me that he simply could not risk marrying a women who may never want children. I understood, but it devastated me nevertheless.
Around this same time, I met a man through a mutual friend, and he and I began a casual courtship. It was also around this time that I made the decision to go through the Temple on my own, and not wait until I was married. I talked to my Bishop and he agreed that it was a good idea and then informed me that I would need to take all of the temple prep classes first and then be interviewed by the Stake President. I began taking the classes and preparing myself spiritually, but something felt…off.
I have always been the kind of person who wanted to do the Right thing. It didn’t matter to me if the Right thing was hard, or unpopular, because Right was Right, and I wanted to do the Right thing. In every aspect of my life I tried to do the Right thing, but especially when it came to my Faith. I was about as devote a Mormon as there was. In my 30 years I had never been inactive, or “Jack”, I had never “sown my wild oats”, or even flirted with “the great and spacious building”, and yet…In all my years of faithful church, temple, seminary, institute, and so on, I had never had my Joseph Smith Moment. Certainly I had had what I would consider “Spiritual Experiences”, and I, like most of you, had stood up in whatever meeting and proclaimed that I KNEW the church was True, but in reality, I didn’t know.
I Believed the Church was True….I Hoped the Church was True…I Wanted the Church to be True…But I didn’t really Know it the way I knew the Sun came up in the morning or even in the way I knew I was going to die someday. I know it is going to seem like semantics to some, and I completely understand that the basis of most spiritual knowledge has more to do with Faith than actual Knowledge, but then again, I would talk to people who claimed that they KNEW, not Hoped, not Thought, not Believed, not had Faith…KNEW the church was True, and I wanted to be one of those people, and those people told me that I could be one of those people, and so I set about on many an occasion to become one of those people.
I did everything I was told to do…Read my scriptures…Go to all my meetings…And the Temple…And all the extras like Institute, and of course I prayed. I prayed so much and so fervently that by the time I was done, I was usually a quivering pile of jelly on my bed. I asked the Lord, I pleaded, I implored, but always with the acceptance that His will be done, and if I didn’t receive my answer, then I assumed that meant the answer was to try harder…and so I did.
And so it was when I decided to go through the Temple. I did not take this decision lightly. I have always had a deep understanding of the weight and value of such sacred acts, and I didn’t want to approach this with an attitude of frivolity. I understood that if I was going to make this decision, I needed to it for the right reason, and for me the right reason was because I Knew that the church was True and because I knew it, I was willing to dedicate everything I had, and everything I was to it.
But whenever I thought about it, there again I felt this…catch in my stomach and in my heart.
Even though I had had many wonderful and beautiful experiences in the church, I couldn’t stand up and in full honesty and integrity say that I Knew the Church was True, and I knew that before I entered into the Holy House of the Lord and made those sacred covenants, I needed to Know and not just Hope that the church was true….And so I set out to finally obtain my personal and unshakeable testimony.
When I asked Levi (the man I was dating) if he would want to join me on this journey, he readily agreed and admitted that he found himself in the same boat, even though he had already been through the temple and served an honorable full-time mission. What I love and appreciate most about Levi is that he values truth and honesty over popularity and conformity. He, like me, is more concerned with doing what he believes to be Right, rather than what appears to be the norm, regardless of where that norm is coming from.
If I attempted to properly communicate the fullness of my journey over the last year and a half we would we literally be here all day. I know that this is going to upset many of you because you are going to wonder if it is possible that I missed a step along the way, or maybe I didn’t do everything that I could have done, or maybe you will think that I gave up too soon, or left some sort of stone unturned, or maybe that I am missing the point entirely, that when we talk about Knowing something superficially vs. Knowing something spiritually I am misunderstanding the former, or the latter, and so on and so forth, and perhaps you are right, though that seems an impossible thing to qualify really.
I will tell you this however…This last year and a half has been the most painful and darkest days of my life. I never cried so much, lost so much sleep, spent more time on my knees, in books, in counsel with authorities, in the temple, and in communication with God than I have during these days. I read, pondered, searched, read more, pondered more, prayed, fasted, read, pondered, prayed, pleaded, supplicated, cried, searched, read, pondered, probed, until I felt as though my head and heart were going to explode.
I could tell you about the experience I had with the evangelical preacher and the spirit I felt when it seemed like certain formerly unknown “truths” were revealed to me as I listened to him speak.
I could tell you about the time that a close family member cornered me about whether or not Levi and I were going to get married in the temple because they assumed that he and I were already having sex since we had stopped going to church (which we weren’t) and then proceeded to tell me that I was literally going to hell.
Or I could convey the story of the night that I spent in the temple and felt absolutely nothing only to leave with the thought that maybe if I was so unworthy as to feel nothing in the house of the Lord that I was probably better off ending my life rather than continuing to heap condemnation on my head.
So many stories that I would be happy to share, but for the sake of time and flow I will say again…Most Painful and difficult times of my life.
Now, looking back, I realize that I was approaching this whole journey with the baseline belief that the church was true, and that I only needed to have that belief confirmed to me. Just like a bad scientist, I began my experiment with the results already in mind, and yet even though I already knew what I wanted to be true, I could never get to a point where I felt like the evidence confirmed the hypothesis…I can’t even describe how disheartening and frustrating this way for me. I blamed myself of course, I figured that it was because something was broken in me, or that God was testing me, or that I wasn’t worthy of the answers I was seeking, and then one day a good friend of mine gave me some advice that ultimately changed the course of my life.
This friend, an active member of the church, challenged me to approach the church with new eyes. He told me that I should try as much as was possible to look at the church with no preexisting beliefs. He said that I should approach my faith journey with a neutral stance when it came to the Truth or Untruth of the church. He told me to think of what Christ said about becoming like a little child, humble, submissive, willing to submit to whatever the Lord saw fit for me and my life. As he spoke these words, it was as if this fog that had settled in my brain suddenly began to lift, and for the first time in my life I stopped asking God to show me that the church was True, but instead, to Show me Truth in whatever form that took. I realized that in order to truly find Truth, I had to be open to all possibilities, including the one that might ultimately lead me away from the faith of my childhood, and in many ways, my entire identity.
Like I said before, I have always wanted to do the right thing, even if it was hard, and so I hope you will believe me when I say that choosing to step away from the Church has truly been the hardest and most heart breaking thing I have ever done, but even so, I truly believe that I am doing what is right…at least for now.
I don’t know exactly how to frame this next part. I am so worried that I am going to offend people, and that is not my intention. I want to be able to share my testimony with you as it currently stands, and I hope it will be taken in the spirit to which it is intended…
I Know that ultimately I know nothing, or very little outside of the things that are very obvious…such as I exist, you exist, and someday, we will be gone. I don’t know where we go after we die, but I truly hope that this life is not everything we get. I truly hope that there is something beyond what we see with our eyes, or touch with our hands, and I truly hope that someday, everyone we have lost will be returned to us, in whatever form that takes.
I know that Loves is real, and I know that Hate is real too. I know that when I choose Love over Hate I feel the way that I want to feel.
I know that there are so many beautiful things about the church that I am so grateful for being able to have been a part of. I know that there are people out there of other faiths and people of no faith who are just as good, and kind, and Christ like as the good and kind and Christ like members I have met within the church. I believe that the concepts of Goodness and Kindness are not exclusive to any one religion or denomination, they are in all of us, and they are a choice that we make every minute of every day.
I believe what Christ said when He warned us against letting our pride lead us to feelings of superiority over any other man, denomination, or creed. I believe what Joseph Smith said when he said that we should allow each man to worship in the fashion that resonated within his own conscious.
I believe people are good, but that they don’t always act good, and I believe that deep down, we are all just striving to find purpose and meaning in this life, because none of us really knows what is coming next. We are all just trying to make sense of it all, and if the Church is where you find your sense, then I fully support and endorse you in staying and in being the best dang Mormon the world has ever seen.
And I believe that life is short…no…I Know that is short, and far too fragile. In fact, life is so short and so fragile that we can’t waste even a moment of it. I believe we need to love the people in our lives as though this was the last moment we were going to have with them, because even if it’s not, it is still the way we all want and deserve to be loved.
Here is where it gets more difficult for me to share…
At this point in my life I can honestly say that in order for me to feel as though I am living a truly genuine and honest life, I cannot do so while remaining an active member of the church. I don’t know if that will change someday, it might, and my heart is certainly open to it and always will be until the day I die. I will continue to search for truth in whatever form it takes, and if someday that truth leads me back to the church, I will rejoice, and I will hope that those who remain will not hold my temporary absence against me.
That being said, I need you all to know that if someday, somehow, someway, it is “proven” to you personally, or to the world in general that the church isn’t true, I will be here for each of you with open arms, and to pick up the pieces of your broken hearts. Having walked through my own Gethsemane, I know the weight of a kind word, or of someone who doesn’t judge you, or of simply putting your arms around someone while they mourn the loss of something that meant more to them that life itself.
I no longer Believe that the Church is True, though there are times when I desperately wish I did.
I love my Cultural Hall Family, and I love all of you. I don’t want to do or say anything that is going to drive a wedge between you and I, or myself and the Church. I am leaving the show because I know the spirit in which it is intended to be taken. I know the message that Richie is trying to convey and the last thing I want to do is be the proverbial fly in the ointment. I would love to continue to be a part of the show, but I also don’t want to have to censor myself when it comes to the things that I no longer believe, and I see this causing more pain and frustration for all parties involved than good.
Who knows? Life has a funny way of changing. If you had told me that this is where I would be at age 31 I would have cried, and then I would have told you that you were a liar. I had a picture of my future that included a temple marriage and years of faithful membership, and now…Well…To be honest… I have no road map, which I find both paralyzingly terrifying and unspeakably beautiful.
Thank you for your support, Thank you for those who have shown me love and charity. For those who have been cruel or hurtful, I want to say that I get it, I understand why you are doing it, and I forgive you. That might sound flippant, but I really do mean it. I hope we can all continue to try and find common ground, not only as Brothers and Sisters in Zion, but also as a larger community of Man and Woman, people, Humans, Children of God, Incarnations of Stardust, Family.
All my love…
Britty aka The Anxious White Virgin
What an excellent blog post. I was never LDS, but was religious as a youth. I lost faith in church before high school, but always felt like *maybe* I was doing the wrong thing. Eventually, I realized that feeling was not due to any sort of persuasion from a “spirit,” but rather the years of conditioning that made me feel like it was wrong to question or disagree. Although my parents did not understand my choices, they accepted and have respected my decision to live an agnostic lifestyle as well as my decision to raise my children to decide their feelings on god for themselves. Having dealt with my personal battle with church earlier on, I have spent a great deal of time in my adult life counseling friends and family members who are going through their struggles with church. Whether LDS, Lutheran, Catholic, or Muslim, most have come to the same realizations that I did and that you seem to have. We can all feel a connection to the world around us and the universe. We can all choose whether to be good or bad people. We can all choose what morals with which to raise our children. In short, we can all choose to live a virtuous life without having to commit ourselves to “truths” we cannot accept.
Brittney, thank you for sharing “your truth” with us. I have loved hearing you on the “show”, especially when you did your old person voice. I laughed every time. You will truly be missed. Wishing you all the best with Levi and with your quest for living authentically. Hugs and a decaf coffee…
Brittany,
This seems like such a hard (devastatingly hard) thing for you. I don’t know you but my heart is so very sad for this struggle you have and are going through. I have not experienced this myself but know many, even family members, that have and all I can say is I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. I wish for you only true peace joy and happiness in your future and hope that those around you love you unconditionally. It’s never easy doing hard things like putting yourself out there so publicly. Keep your chin up and best of luck.
Wow. What a wonderful and honest pour out of your heart. Thank you for sharing your journey. May love and blessings be poured out upon you and your life. Namaste!
Brittney…I just read your article and I admire your strength to follow your heart and to have the courage to follow through and to do the right thing. The “faith” as we know it, our culture, our belief system, our security, our lineage, our family roots…evrything that we are, our neighbors, friends and relatives… this pressure of staying as to not let anyone down or to not disappoint….this is a real thing and it’s scary. Know that over time life will take on a new and exciting freedom that will allow you to learn from many views from many people which will allow you to sift though what is right. The “Gospel” as Christ taught, is very simple. It’s all about Love.
Be Happy and may God Bless you in your bright future!
Sincerely, Daryl
Britty aka AWV, thank you for posting this and being open. Personally, I’m not sure why you would feel the need to leave the podcast over it, but maybe that’s because I’m an ex-Mo that doesn’t have to deal with all of the negativity in such a public light. I really appreciate your words and phrasing, as I felt much the same way.
I feel like too often, the culture of the church teaches that those who leave do so for distorted reasons like “they want to sin,” or “someone must have offended them.” A lot of LDS active members can’t accept it when someone else says “I don’t think this religion is true”, so they cling to whatever excuse they need in their own mind to dismiss your behavior. I had to tell my parents that I had prayed if the church was NOT true and if the Book of Mormon was a fabrication, and felt the same confirming feelings I felt when I had prayed the opposite as a teen. Its not easy to realize that everything you have based your entire life on was false, your entire outlook on everything. For me, it forced me to look at all of my beliefs with a microscope. Within the space of two years, my beliefs made a 180 degree turn and then veered off at another angle entirely.
The truth is, its going to be hard for a lot of people, especially those close because they honestly and sincerely believe that you are “lost.” They’ll probably say and do some mis-guided but well-intentioned things, and so its always important to be patient.
Thanks again and good luck in your quest for truth!
Thanks for sharing your story and feelings. Each person’s journey is their own, and each journey causes them to learn valuable things. Unlike you, I was excommunicated, and although it felt devastating at the time, it has turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I hold no animosity towards the LDS Church, and like you, there is so much of value that the church gave me that remains with me today. I am ever grateful for that and the values my Mormon parents, friends, and ward members instilled me with. But I’ve also learned that truth isn’t just contained in the “Mormon box” and I’ve discovered far more happiness outside of Mormonism than I did inside. I know there are those of my former faith (much of which I still hold dear) who think my happiness is a false or short-lived one. I don’t feel it is; I hope not anyway because my life has been much more peaceful and fulfilling. Contrary to what Mormonism teaches, I don’t believe that the path of Mormonism is right for everybody, and I know I’ve learned valuable things that I feel my Father in Heaven wants me to learn.
I believe in the afterlife. Where my place is there remains to be seen, but I believe a loving Father will put me where I am happiest. That will be different than where others want to go, and that’s fine. We all need to go where we fit best. Right now where I am is where I need to be, and I respect that you are where you need to be, too, learning what you need to learn.
I wish you much love, happiness, joy, and success on your journey wherever it takes you. It’s scary, but also brave and can be the most exhilarating journey you ever take. Good luck to you and, again, thanks for sharing such a personal experience.
Brittney, though I left for different reasons (ones I’ll go into if you’re curious) I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in the feelings that you had/have in regards to the church. I’ve been inactive for about a year now, but am currently becoming partially active because that’s what my girlfriend who is also only partly active, wanted for our relationship.
I have a different perspective on the church and even on myself now and that is the only way I’m even able to attend in the partial manner I am now. Searching for truth and understanding in all things, while holding to the basic truths I learned in the church that I do actually believe to be true. It’s an interesting spot to be in for sure! But the way I see it, we are all in this for ourselves and for our own betterment! So whether that grooves with what someone else in this church or any other thinks I ought to be doing, I no longer care, I need to do what I need to do in order to be happy and feel fulfilled. It sounds like that is the point you have gotten to as well, and I just have to say, good for you! I wish you well, and I hope you find everything you’re looking for! 🙂
Thank you so much for these brave words!
I pray you find your goal. I’ve been there.
Consider you may be asking the wrong question. For me the critical matter is knowing the gospel is true. The gospel is a thing of God. The church is a thing of men, offered to God, at His request. If the gospel is true that makes all the difference. I know it is. If the church is true, then what? I think that would make the gospel and the church synonymous but the church too often fails to live all of the gospel so they are not. I would suggest that the church is fallible while the gospel is perfect. I would like both to be perfect and true to God’s plan but knowing one of them is, is enough.
I think you carry the gospel in your heart and mind. Let the church do as you and I do: try to be the best it can. Forgive for all men are imperfect.
I recently came to this ame conclusion and this is the best way I have ever seen it described by anyone. I know exactly the feeling you have when you say, you sometimes you desperately wish you did believe the church was true, especially as I have a family that looks up to me as a “priesthood holder” and “patriarch.” I know how you feel and I welcome you to the other cultural hall of uncertainty.
You will find that you have more friends than you ever thought possible! Lots of support for those like you. Do what is right let the consequence follow. The Truth has nothing to be afraid of!
First time to visit this blog, so thankful that today I found this post. I totally relate and understand your journey. Truth is what balances my life, I seek it. I started my journey three years ago, the amount of tears I’ve shed is crazy. My husband who is a convert and never an excited mormon – didnt understand why I was sobbing all the time. I’d sit and read and cry. It was the most important death I had ever experience. My life as I knew it, the knowledge that I was so sure was the truth taught by good people was all based on lies and manipulations of good honest loving people. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for putting into words the struggle I’ve been feeling for so many years. My journey has been a bit different. I was sealed in the temple, had a family, then found myself questioning everything my life was built upon. I too desperately want to know the church is true, life would just be easier for me. The day I stopped wearing the garment I cried the entire day. It’s a terribly difficult thing to walk away from, even if you know it’s the right thing to do. Thank you for your candor and loving message, this gives me hope!
Brittney-well said! I’m with you girl! Wish we were friends in real life so I could give you a high five!
I respect the honesty in this post and, as a life long member of the Church, can understand her quest for a “Joseph Smith Moment”. I used to pray for one as well. Then I realized all the little moments known only to me, some so fleeting they almost went unrecognized, make up my testimony.
I’m sorry that you have had such a hard time and I understand what it’s like to feel unheard. I’ve never had a Joseph Smith type moment, you know the kind you read about in the Ensign. But that doesn’t mean everything else I have felt or know is invalid. Faith needs constant work or else it dims. I’m 31 and still single and yes, sitting alone in the family ward can be difficult, but I go. Every single week. Why? Because I know that if I don’t go, the loneliness would be so much worse. And the hope I do have would be lost. I hope you find what you are looking for. 🙂
Starting from square one, where do you stand in your beliefs and why? I find myself in a similar place in redefining my beliefs and looking to avoid doing things because of my upbringing or similar factors. I also wish to find the church to be true, but also wish to be true to myself in regards to why I do what I do.
Dear Britty, thank you so much for sharing and for being so courageous . Your story mimics my life almost to a T. I have not been active for 15 years. I too wanted so badly for the church to be true. I wish you well in your journey. I have learned so much and my eyes have have seen so much away from church teachings. I would never replace my time in the church or on my mission. I wish you the best. Sincerely , M Kelly
I rarely read articles from “the cultural hall” but this caught my eyes. I decided to read your story . It’s pretty lengthy, but I felt your honesty, and it’s scary because I had the same feelings about the church. I feel like the church is not really true. I tried reviewing everything I believe. Tried to remember the feelings back when I was preaching the gospel in the mission field. The feelings I have now are way too different when I was younger. I was happier back then, and knew in my heart that everything was right. Today things have changed, I’ve been divorced and have two kids, and in spite of this questionable feeling I have decided I will have my kids grow up in the church. So I’m still here with less struggles.
I’m still not sure wether the church is true or not, but which church is true? I don’t see any other church that can surpass the church’s understanding of the gospel. I remember a scripture that says “in the last days even the very elect will be deceived”!
I tried avoiding church, I tried not paying my titihing, and evey time I stop obeying commandments, my life becomes troublesome. I don’t have peace.
I’m a sinner, and I acknowledge that to God and to all my fellowmen. Now, even i I continue to sin, I still decide to go to church and attend the services. I feel better than not going.
Don’t force yourself into believing things you do not believe. But ask why did you stop believing.
I believe Satan has more
Power now than ever before. It’s scary. What I’m wondering is, what if the church isn’t really true, are all our good deeds will go to waste? NOPE, I don’t think so. There are so many faithful Latter Day Saints who are living good and decent lives. I the church is not true, I believe we will still be rewarded for our good deeds, and that means staying in church isn’t a bad thing at all.
I know that a lot of members will reach out for you. But take your time and keep moving on.
Take care ,
Yul sana
Thank you! That has been the most truthful testimony I have ever read! I have never heard a testimony speak of Christ more then yours does! It is my prayer that our father blesses you in your quest for the truth.
Brittney i hate reading and more thane 4 lines i cut out. but i read every word of this and it was beautifully shared with everyone. im not a member but as a christian i hope and pray that you do get what you are looking for where ever it may come from.
Brittney, NO church should make you feel the pain you experienced. I am from SLC, but not Mormon. I know a little about the religion, and guilt may be one of its biggest teachings. Not good. We should simply want to BE good, moral, and helpful, and if that means NOT BELONGING as a member to ANY church, that is fine with God. Man does not have the right to control.
This is beautiful. I relate to just about EVERY point you make here. Thank you for sharing your story!
You have have just beautifully described exactly what I have been going through for the past 6 months. I am married with 4 kids. I am taking things slow. It’s hard to tell your kids that you no longer believe everything you have taught them. I commend you for your courage. Blogs like these give me hope and courage that I can continue down this path. Thank you
You’re a brave person and a good example. I imagine life has been a growing experience for you. Keep your head up.
I just had one question for you. Confirmation doesn’t come until after the trial of your faith. If you weren’t entirely sure if it was true or not, why did you still feel there would be implications making covenants in a temple for a church that wasn’t true? If it’s not, then no harm, no foul. You’re not really bound and it was yet another experience to add to your life’s library of memories. If it is, then it is and you’ll have received that many more blessings plus a witness because of the trial of your faith. The “step first” idea is a pretty hard one to fully take in when you think of how the world teaches us to make decisions.
I hope you’re finding yourself and learning to be happy in the moment. There are many people who are good examples of how you can be happy without being a member of the church. What are they doing to achieve happiness?
I will miss you. It is sad. Wherever your journey takes you, I hope you find the peace, happiness, & fulfillment you desire.
This is very refreshing that you chose to allow yourself the opportunity to CHOOSE!. Ultimately we all know nothing and because you accept this, you are beginning to be FREE. Free to find more than convoluted outcomes and preconceived expectations. There are no “Joseph Smith Moments” only individual moments of truth and clarity. THANKS
Brittney, I know where you are coming from and would love to meet you!
Welcome to the rest of your life. Leaving the church is so hard but so rewarding! You are not alone. It gets better. Good luck.
Beautifully stated. I too left the church with my husband and children this past year, because I could no longer put faith in the foundational claims. The pain of leaving is very intense, misunderstood by most active LDS, and there is a great feeling of injustice for those who leave at the misunderstanding. It hurts to have mud slung at your face and behind your back when all you wanted to do was live a true, authentic life. Forgiveness is key, though letting go takes time. I have found such joy in learning about the religious history of my pre-Mormon ancestors. It has renewed my feelings of faith, and I don’t mind saying “I believe,” as far as God goes. I can’t and won’t say “I know,” but I’m happy believing. God bless you and thank you!
Brittney,
What a brave and digficult decision you’ve made. I’ve known many who choose just to go through the motions of Church even while having the same struggles you are. I was one of those but I eventually my faith returned. I hope you find the same. I applaud your honesty and wish you much success and peace
-Jeremy B-
Ive felt all those things but then you realize what a scary world we live in. Fact is it doesn’t matter if the church is true for this life. It’s like saying I’m leaving the hospital or school because I didn’t know if the hospital or school was true. When my ex left me for herion and me and my children were left alone the church has been a refuge from all the crazy things this world try’s to entice my kids with. The only question I have is where do you go now? Have your chosen another church? Do you worship on your own? The question should be not if the church is true but do I love the savior and do i benefit from hearing his teachings. If the answer is no then I applaud you for following your heart. In my case I believe that there is a savior and independent of the church being true or not it is the best place I’ve found to learn of him and his teachings. Sometimes the quest to know the church is true drawfs all the good the church brings if you allow to just let it go and see the good in all things. If the LDS church is not true then we’ll if your like me then I probably all the others aren’t true. But if the savior is real then he’ll have mercy on all of his followers Mormon or not. The church has been a great place for me personally to learn of him. I hope this helps anyone else there similar to her but just with a more practical outlook as the church has many benefits for our daily lives that serve as a school for bettering our lives and a hospital for an ailing soul.
I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. I don’t read much of the cultural hall (I disagree with too much LOL) I AM fascinated by people’s relationship with the church. I served an honorable mission. I worked hard and obeyed the rules. My temple wife and I had drifted for a long time before finally verbalizing to each other how each of us independently felt about the church. Luckily we were on the same page, but scared to disappoint the other for many years, I know so many people that this is not the case for.
It is SO hard to leave the church, MUCH harder than just staying in. It’s so crazy to look from the outside in. You see all the church’s mechanisms that keep you from even thinking about other possibilities. I am still surrounded by people I still LOVE who think I am making an eternal spiritual mistake and their heart aches because of what THEY believe. It puts undo strain on so many relationships.
One of the surprisingly hardest parts for my wife and I is to maintain unconditional respect for the beliefs of those still faithful. We have many times discussed how it is not our place to destroy other people’s beliefs, and often hold our tongues so we don’t offend anyone. My relationship with my mom is all but non-existent now. Our opinion of her hasn’t changed, but she can’t even look at us without letting the thought of our eternal damnation paralyze her. We haven’t even had an actual discussion about it (see above). It hurts every day.
Britty, be ready to be everyone’s project. The Elder’s Quorum and R.S. will be assigning their very best to the task (They might really care or think it’s their duty or whatever. My advice: invite them in like the people/neighbors they are (They could be amazing people).
I will say, my wife and I have never been happier with our lives. We’ve since realized that most of the world doesn’t go about their day feeling guilty all the time. We no longer feel inadequate. We still believe in God. All the the weird things of the Church finally have an answer (hint: we don’t believe them anymore). All you believers reading this understand: We (those who consciously leave) have never been better. Don’t feel bad for us. We will also try not to feel bad for you. We genuinely hope you are happy. We are genuinely happy with our decision (minus how it affects our relationships with all of you. Mormon people, please don’t let it affect our relationship, PLEASE). You might see us do things like drink coffee or going out on a Sunday or whatever. Do not think we left “the fold” with the intentions of sinning by partaking of these things. The actual truth is, when we came to the conclusion that we no longer subscribe to the church, those “sins” ceased to exist for us. The church still informs some of our moral decisions even years later. But we at least consider each one now rather than following just because LDS.
I’m stoked for you Britty, some people will question your intelligence. I think it has more to do with courage and ACTUALLY standing up for (what we believe is) the truth.
I stopped going to church 2 months ago after a panic attack. I could stand and say, “I have a testimony that the church is NOT true.” Oh, how my heart ached. I love the good people in the church, I just can’t support the history or the organization. I talked last week to my neighbor, an atheist, who said he wished we could have such organization as the mormon church in our communities without all the religious dogma. He loves how members support eachother and really become a family. He said how many good member he has known. He has never been to an LDS meeting but has respect for the good people. I am trying to organize a group in my home of fellow neighbors who just want to get to know eachother and grow in grow (I actually like the format at http://www.streetgiraffe.com which uses a non-violent communication approach understanding eachother)
Brittney,
Great job keeping your story simple and loving. So many people when they leave the church end up feeling lied to and hurt and then come across as bitter. It’s great to hear your story. It’s so hard for those of us who leave the church. The church offers so many great things that I miss. It offers opportunities to serve others, a place to meet new people and to share personal experiences. It’s a great community of people trying to do good things and I miss many of those aspects, but they don’t make the church true. I tried going to church for awhile after I stopped believing but as soon as people find out you know longer believe it becomes hard. It would be nice to have a community like the church offers without the need for belief in a certain faith. Good luck on your journey and if you have a blog or if you keep writing about your experiences I would love to read them. Thanks for sharing.
Oh girl- I wanna give you a hug and a high five. So many of the things you said resonate with me. I still have “one foot in the door” at church, and a lot of it is because, living in Utah, it’s easier to just go with the flow, and part of it because it terrifies me to let it go completely. The church is so good at “proving” why other religions aren’t right, that if this one isn’t right either, then what is?? I NEED to believe that there is something beyond just this life, so it keeps me hanging on. The thing I am sure of, is the same thing that you’ve come to believe- it’s about LOVE. Regardless of race, religion, sexual preference… whatever, I think we are here to LOVE each other, and help each other on this journey of life. A tough spot I have with the church is that we have to earn our place to live with God, but then they say that God loves us more than we love our own children. I know you aren’t a mom yet, but I tell ya what- there is nothing so fierce as the love you have for your kids. I don’t care if my kids grow up to be gay, or have babies out of wedlock, or whatever. I will ALWAYS love my kids, and I will ALWAYS want to be around them. They don’t need to earn my love or my time. I can’t imagine a loving God that would be any different. Also, because I’ve “committed” everything I have to the Lord, gospel, etc. and I’m now waivering, I feel like I am waiting around for God to punish me, to humble me and force me to turn to him in desperation. Will my kids get cancer? My husband die in a car crash? In the scriptures God wipes out people for being prideful and not humbling themselves to His will. What is going to happen to me and my sweet family? On the other hand, there are things about the Gospel that make sense. It makes sense that God and Christ are two separate beings, it makes sense that Eve wasn’t just an idiot, but actually knew that she was supposed partake of the fruit in the garden so they could progress…. I don’t know, and it it makes things so complicated. I applaud your honesty. Please know that you are certainly not alone, and that people who judge you or pass you up because of your efforts to find your truth are missing out. Reading your post made my heart say, “Thank You!!” so I figured I should pass along the message, and tell you, Thanks!!
Such is the fate of magical thinking in the 21st century. You find out there is no Santa Clause, and then what? Who are you then? But of course, you are still free to celebrate Christmas. Just not the way a 6-year-old celebrates Christmas.
You know what love is. You know what Christ is. Be the love, be the Christ. Belief is for children. Congratulations on the growth spurt.
I well remember tracing my testimony to a faith in the testimony of the people who were raising me in the church. They got up every Fast Sunday and I know they weren’t lying, so…
It eventually occurred to me that if Joseph Smith lied, but people hearing him thought he was telling the truth, and based their testimonies on what he was telling them, then the next set of people, who heard the people fooled by Joseph, were correct in feeling that they were hearing Truth. It wasn’t the truth, but both the one vocalizing and the one listening all thought it was.
As to the question: was Joseph Smith a big liar? People either look at the facts, or they ignore the facts and rely on “feelings.” And it has to be admitted, there are winners on both sides. Each person answers the question for him or herself.
Thanks for sharing. Welcome to the tree of life! Sink your teeth in deep and taste, feel, breath it all in! I’m proud of you!
This was such a refreshing read! I have recently discovered the beauty in embracing “I don’t know.” I used to have a very concrete idea about how the universe works, but over the past five years I have fought with myself while clinging to that strict mindset while doubting everything. And then there was an epiphany… Who am I to restrict what God/higher power/Heavenly Mother/Goodness can do? Honestly, I hope and believe the power there is much greater and more complex than I can ever attempt to explain or reason.
My husband and I have been gone from the Church for almost two years. Ours was a different journey but same notes. We were tired of being ignored and pushed to the side by RS President after President and EQ President after President when we went to the asking for help. We were falling apart and begging and pleading for anyone in the leadership to step up and meet with us. In our ten years of marriage we had home teachers in our home exactly 5 times. My husband went to the Bishop begging for home teachers in our home and was told there were other more needy people in our ward. I had major surgery was a friend was told that compassionate service didn’t cover my surgery because it wasn’t on her list of medical procedures that they provided service for.
A close friend of ours once said “Be who you are Monday-Saturday that you testify to be on Sunday”
I totally understand Brittney and applaud you for finding your way and searching for your truth.
It’s like we are the same person in so many ways. I, too, felt like I had to step away from the church to live an authentic life. Thanks for sharing. It means a lot to not feel alone in this.
Britney,
I was very much like you when I had my name removed from the church records and I was about your age. I went to church and was very much a part of everything. I wanted to go to the temple and serve a mission. I attended four years of seminary and graduated from seminary. I read all the Holy books. I prayed and searched. I just couldn’t find that moment for me or the rightness. I didn’t feel the Holy Ghost (even though I had when I was younger) and sitting in church caused me extreme discomfort. It was with a heavy but true heart that I accepted my past and my Mormon pioneer ancestry, and went through the process of having my name removed. It was painful but accepting myself and what I did or did not know was true, helped me through the process. When I received my letter I felt relief insured of pain. I could search for my true self without the worry of judgment. My family was devastated and several friends didn’t understand but I felt tons of weight and guilt lighter. I now belong to a religion who accepts and loves me for I am even with all my doubts. It wasn’t easy but it was definitely worth it. If I can do anything to help or be a sounding board, feel free to contact me. You’ve been one of my favorite panelists on The Cultural Hall and I’ve identified with your pain. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Michelle
P.S. If you want to contact me, Richie should have my email address as I’ve sent a few messages to TCH. Blessings
Welcome to the dark side. 😉 Trust me, as hard as things were, life gets so much better from here forward. I know that it did for me. Those days when I was trying to keep my faith were some of the hardest of my life: two years of absolute hell. But now, things are amazing, better than ever before.
Look forward, not back. Your world is about to get a LOT bigger.
Brittney I feel so sad for you I know that must have been such a hard decision and I Hope done day you can see your way back even Joseph Smiths friends turned on him even after seeing the plates but never recanted their having seen them and all but one returned to the church years later for some the struggle is harder not sure why you wouldn’t wasn’t children mine are the brightest light in my life. But even many who new Jesus Christ ersonally left him close to the end of his ministry and he said will you leave me also to Paul who said where else would we go any way I’ve been on the other side of the fence and it’s not a place I ever wasn’t to be again
Wow, Brittney. Keep that sweet and genuine spirit of yours alive and you’ll be just fine. I do believe there is a God and I believe He loves you and watches out for you. Keep your darling heart open and just know that you’re a sister to me whether you’re in or out of the church. I would be overjoyed to have you return and welcome you again with a loving embrace. I understand the difficulties and challenges that you explained and even though I have come to different conclusions from my own similar trials, I can’t help but just love you. Keep that yearning for truth. God bless.
I simply want to say this- you have great courage. I may not know you, but I wish I could give you a hug. Life sure isn’t easy, that is for sure. I know my testimony, but having been blessed to know and be friends with many who are either not members, inactive members, less-active members, or members stepping back to get a new perspective, I have been able to gain a love for my brothers and sisters- my neighbors. I never desire to offend anyone, and simply wish you the best, and hope that even if you do not go to church you never forget the wonderful experiences you have had and the friends you have made. Hang on to the testimony you do have, and please know that you still do have the ability to receive personal revelation pertaining to you and your life. Follow the promptings that guide you. Once again, I wish I could give you a hug because it sounds like you could use it. Have a marvelous day.
Thank you SO much for having the courage to be genuine and honest. I have also left the church recently. My situation is a little different as I am a single father of 6 small children who still attend church regularly with their mother.
I have “come out” to everyone but them. I can’t bear the thought of breaking their little hearts. I’m honestly at a loss as to what to do. If you have any insights they would be greatly appreciated.
Love and respect,
Jake
Thank you so much for this post. So much of this can describe my feelings towards the church right now but I have honestly never been able to put into words why I stopped going to church. Like you, I would rejoice if one day my path leads me to the church again, but for now, I am making myself happy and achieving fulfillment in other ways that do not include the church.
Your words make so much sense to me and help me more clearly understand where I am in my spiritual journey and I thank you so much for your honesty and courage.
Good luck to you in whatever path you take! 🙂
I was born and raised LDS. It was very hard to break away from the church. BUT , I eventually did. I love the values the Mormon church teaches, but I just stopped believing in the rules. I dont believe I should be disfellowshipped or ex’d if I commit a major sin. I believe if I ask God for forgiveness, he will forgive me. I dont need a church court telling me what I need to do. I consider myself non denominational Christian and I love God and i believe His word!! I feel liberated! My family still loves me and respects me and they are still stong in the LDS faith! To each their own! But I promise you…as time goes by, you will feel liberated! good luck on your journey!
A close friend just linked me to your story. I don’t know which path my own fallen shelf will now lead me down (and my wife and kids), and it is scaring the hell out of me. I find hope in your courage that I too can one day embrace my truth and stop feeling so disingenuous in the things I currently do and say only out of habit/tradition/culture and no longer out of faith or belief.
“What I love and appreciate most about Levi is that he values truth and honesty over popularity and conformity. He, like me, is more concerned with doing what he believes to be Right, rather than what appears to be the norm, regardless of where that norm is coming from.” <– This
"I know that there are so many beautiful things about the church that I am so grateful for being able to have been a part of. I know that there are people out there of other faiths and people of no faith who are just as good, and kind, and Christ like as the good and kind and Christ like members I have met within the church. I believe that the concepts of Goodness and Kindness are not exclusive to any one religion or denomination, they are in all of us, and they are a choice that we make every minute of every day." <– and this
Britty, your authenticity shines through. I see each of us as unique little microcosms of Truth, being fed and led by God and the Universe in billions of different ways, shapes and forms. Ultimately, the “food” and the “leading” should be based upon Love. It makes me sad when it’s not.
I see the culture of the church as its own microcosm. Some people want to make it The Macrocosm. The church culture of judgment, fear, “Am I celestial enough?”, idolatry in the form perfectionism/lookism/image, and so on. It’s rampant. In my experience, what drives people away more than anything else is the shame factor. That, and the “I feel guilty for questioning and wanting to search elsewhere” factor. People just want to feel free, and their wings feel clipped by not being able to experience other cultures if they are to remain a faithful Latter Day Saint. Yet, the Gift of Knowing is a rare one, so most need that freedom. I see it as beautifully healthy…a sacred journey…to go outside the box (provided a moral compass remains the guiding tool).
I came to a deep realization many years ago that, no, all is NOT well in Zion (because many are asleep and treat lightly the things they’ve received). Part of that being asleep is negating the fact that this is a big ‘ol world and we are no more special than any other group or microcosm out there. The “those evil non-Mormons”; the “Them vs. US” elitism thing is the loudest warning in the Book of Mormon and is playing out fiercely in the Church today. As Marianne Williamson says, talking about each Child of God, “You are very special, and you are not special at all.” Many LDS people are comfortable, and asleep, and feel attached to the greater community, yes, because they have testimonies, but also because it absolves them of having to reach out to the Macrocosm and love the rest of the world. Or get their very own sacred relationship with Deity, separate from their leaders’. It’s so comfy to just read about it, right?
I hold my temple covenants sacred and I cherish the Church’s programs for my children and myself…yet, my eyes are wide open to Truth WHEREVER it can be found. I’m a Truth-hound and I enjoy searching out mysteries from many lands, philosophies and cultures. I had to give myself that permission because I wasn’t about to get it from the sound asleep community of “saints” who live in the comfortable box…who would warn me I’m about to be deceived at every turn.
I’m not trying to demean good people with good hearts and intentions, but it is a huge pet peeve of mine to have the “we are better than they” mindset. There are a lot who are hungering and thirsting and are not being fed and that is because their souls are starving for more Truth. Let’s not call evil good and good evil…let’s just stop judging and let everyone search in the way they need to search!
The church is not the Gospel. It is not the Kingdom of God and it is not Zion. The Church, as I understand it,is PART of those things and yet lacks the fulness to become such until all gathering has taken place. The Kingdom of God is all around us, waiting to be built, both within and without the walls of the Church.
By very imperfect people 🙂
Brittney I love u!!
U truly r an amazing writer:) thank u for your honesty and being soo open!!! That is one thing I have always loved about u☺️ U r an amazing person and I pray that the lord will continue to b with u as u seek the path that brings u joy:)
Something that has always helped me is that for me it’s either Joseph smith really saw who he said he saw or he didn’t. God the father and Jesus christ appeared to him or not!! And for me I received my own witness that indeed they did! That is what keeps me going!! There is one fold and one shepherd and one Christ. For me there would have to b one church because there is only one Christ!!
I love u Brittney and can’t wait to see where he leads u!! U r on your quest to become closer to Heavenly Father and he is grateful u r!! Know I love u and will absolutely never think less of u!! Seeking for truth is what our father wants us to do:) good luck my beautiful, vivacious spirit and may God continue to walk beside u and wrap u up in his arms when u need him the most!! He is always there