The basis of marriage has changed. Its foundation now relies almost exclusively upon two relatively inexperienced people making a major decision based upon emotion, hopefully some rational thought, and something else we tend to downplay — chemistry — as opposed to the historical practicality of trying to run a farm. If either chemistry or emotional connection is not present, the marriage is going to struggle. It used to be that society consider it important if the woman thought her husband was “hot” or not because her sexuality was all wrapped up “wifely duty” (see a previous post for more on that subject) and whether or not she actually enjoyed sex was irrelevant.  Now, thankfully, there seems to be a growing consensus among both men and women that sex and intimacy is about both partners feeling emotionally and physically satisfied. But that’s where our push toward greater enlightenment still butts-up against our lingering cultural narrative — which drives couples into our office.

*Please note that while this article is focussed on chemistry, we aren’t trying to downplay the equally important role of rational thinking when deciding upon a long-term relationship. We’ve seen plenty of unhealthy relationships as a result of overlooking obvious red flags because the couple or individual based their decision entirely on emotions and hormones. Employing both rational thinking and a healthy dose of physical desire, will give your relationship a greater chance of success. See How to Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk to read how basing your decision entirely on emotion and hormones is a potential recipe for disaster as well.

In our righteous goal to “put off the natural man” and overcome our human inclination toward selfishness, jealousy, pride, and so on, we also try to cast off physical urges, hormonal inclinations and any other body-driven thoughts or emotions. We label them as “carnal,” “lustful,” or  “of the devil” instead of seeing them for what they are — part of God’s pinnacle creation, which is our body. While this kind of thinking may work well during our single years if the goal is to remain celibate until marriage, it can be very damaging inside a relationship.

Usually we don’t write gender-specific articles, but due to the very different messages LDS girls get regarding sexuality versus LDS boys, we felt this was too important not to discuss. For example, in most class discussions for teen girls regarding dating and marriage the message is clear:  Do all you can to contain the urges of the young men. You want to be pure and virtuous when you get married, but it’s going to be a struggle. In the boys’ classes the message is: You’re going to have urges, so keep your hands off and deal with it.

This implies two things: First, that it’s the girl’s job to be the gatekeeper for the boy. That his desire is so overwhelmingly strong — all the time — that she must be modest in dress, behavior, thoughts and speech — all the time. This is harmful because it sends the message that boys are incapable of controlling themselves, which is simply not true and is quite demeaning. The second implication is that, since there’s no discussion around it, girls simply don’t have any sexual urges of their own. Or, if they do, they’re not to be acknowledged and should quickly be suppressed. Again, this is harmful because by assigning the role of “gatekeeper” to the girls as well as denying female sexuality, a situation is created in which a future healthy sexual relationship is extremely difficult, if not impossible. And this needs to change.

Here is the progression we often see among teen girls when asked what they want in a future husband:

13-15 yr. old “He has to be cute, cute, cute and funny and have a great job and love dogs as much as I do.”

16-18 yr. old “I want him to be cute, work hard, be kind, have the priesthood, and like kids.”

19-23 yr. old “I want him to love God, work hard, want children, have the priesthood, and if he’s cute it will be a bonus, but if I meet someone with all those qualities and he’s not super cute, that’s ok.”

Notice how “being cute” slips down the list as the girl gets older. Of course, there isn’t any official research on this, but just informal observation on our part and others. And, unfortunately, the main issue of many of the married women from whom we receive letters. Too many young women aren’t understanding and/or being taught the importance of their own sexual desires as well as the importance of sexual desire within marriage.

Here is why thinking he is “cute” has to be of more importance:  He’s going to want to have sex with you — for as long as you and he are living. This is a concept that has to be understood before entering into a relationship. As much as we have evolved culturally and societally regarding the roles of men and women, biologically, we haven’t evolved much at all. Men connect with women through sex. Period. The end.

Of course, men also connect emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but when they really want to feel close, they seek sex. The bonding hormone, oxytocin, is primarily released in men during ejaculation and that is just how it is. (See our book for more info) He is not going to be satisfied with just having sex to get pregnant, or only on holidays, or only during his 20s and 30s. And if a woman isn’t physically attracted to her husband, the prospect of lifelong sex becomes almost unbearable about 10-15 years into the marriage. And that’s when we start getting letters. Or women just start having “duty sex” which is not good for either partner.

Most men want a willing and engaged partner when comes to intimacy. They can sense when it has become a “chore” or a task to be checked off the list and they don’t like it. Most genuinely care about their wives and seek to understand how to make things better. Unfortunately, chemistry isn’t something you can force, BUT, you can help to increase the possibility of it by also increasing sexual knowledge and skill — which is a post for another time and a podcast in the works.

The takeaway from all this is:

1.  If you’re a parent or leader of a teen girl, please consider also talking to her about her own sexual desire, letting her know it’s good and normal, and that like the boys, she will need to work with it until the appropriate time. It’s time to change the way we talk to both teen boys and girls about sex.
2. If you’re in the “dating to get married” scene, please don’t downplay the importance of chemistry. He or she could be the most amazing person, but if you can’t stand kissing them, please consider not moving forward. 21st century marriage requires physical attraction.
3. If you’re already married and find yourself in this category, all doesn’t have to be lost. By taking the time to cultivate your sexuality and sensuality and well as learning the art of seduction, and improving overall sexual knowledge of both partners, a satisfying sex life can be achieved.
4. Having a balance between rational thinking and pure chemical desire is what will set a relationship on a path toward greater success and satisfaction.

Stay tuned for our follow-up post about what can happen when two people decide to get married based solely on a few great make-out sessions.

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