As the world changes so do it’s societal norms and practices. To say that the church hasn’t had to do it’s fair share of adapting would be untrue. Here are a just a few current church practices that are due to be put out to pasture in order to make room for a better metaphorical cow.

1. Sugary Treats at Every Single Church Event and/or Meeting   I know, I know, I’m hitting you right in the sweet spot straight out the gate, and I know that Sugar has become the Mormon equivalent to social drinking, but more and more evidence is showing how truly detrimental this white demon is to your health and to the health of those you bake a “welcome to the neighborhood” batch of brownies for.   But just like the Savior said, I will not leave you comfortless, I shall send you a second comforter ……

FAT!!!   Just picture it, instead of an after fireside ice cream bar you are instead greeted with an entire table of Pig and Pig Bi-Products!! Pork ribs, Pork rinds, Pork sausage, Pork stuffed pork, pork salad with pork dressing topped with pork…The pork-abilities are endless!!!   Studies and scientist all over the world are now telling us that not only is saturated fat NOT harmful to our health, it never was!! Can you believe that?! Think of all of the Butter, and Avocados, and Nuts, and Bacon! Sweet Mercy the Bacon! We could have been eating at all these years at farewells, YM/YW activities, Campouts, Institute dances and the like, but not anymore!! No my brother and sisters, no longer shall we be forced to walk through the valley of the shadow of fat-free skinless boneless tasteless chicken breasts!   Free at last! Free at last! Praise God almighty we are free at last!!!   Put down the cupcake and step away from the sugar….   Fat is so good for you, you almost don’t  need to worry about blessing it… 

2. BEARD HATE   FACT: There is nothing quite as manly and appealing as a male in well maintained facial hair, and for the better majority of church and world history, this fact was not disputed.   At some point, in an attempt to differ themselves from that whole free-love-make-war-and-be-naked hippie movement, the church instituted a no beard smear campaign policy in order to prevent it’s young men from being misidentified as flower children thereby forcing them to have “relations” outside of marriage with other hippies.   But now that the last remaining Hippie has been captured and re-released into the nearest Whole-Foods Store the church and all of it’s men are finally safe to flounce about in perfectly quaffted and full bodied facial hair.   If there is still some lingering doubt in your mind I would invite you to refer to picture pictured above. Look at it, study, it, and then ask yourself ..   WWJD?

3. This…Just…This   Look, I get that the church hasn’t always been the thriving monetary power that is it today, and I am willing to overlook the fact that it’s still taboo for me to wear pants to church even though clearly the church is just fine with me performing saving ordinances in the attire equivalent of a Gangster’s Paradise….BUT COME ON!!!   All these years and all of this success and progress, and prosperity, and THIS is still the best that we can do???   Might I make even just a few suggestion of my own that might be more viable and yet still cost effective?   How about this…

 It feeds you Funeral Potatoes and then it Covers your Shame   OR This…

The genius of this one is that you wouldn’t have to worry at all about if the creepy little deacons are having inappropriate thoughts about you when you climb out of the water in full view of the observation deck.   No?   Ok, well then how about this…

I mean obviously you have to picture it in white….But I think in terms of practicality, it doesn’t get much better than this little beauty.   Remember the scripture about turning our tent flaps towards the prophet??   You’re Welcome.