An Open Letter to Newly-Married and Engaged Mormon Couples About Sex

We recently read an open letter about sex to college bound kids by world renowned Sex Therapist, Marty Klein.  Reading through this letter we realized there are so many things we say, have said and want to say to engaged and newly married mormon couples.  While this isn’t an exhaustive list (we could write pages on this) we felt this gives couple’s a good overview of some important aspects of sex in a relationship.

To parents of newly-engaged  or newly-married children, consider printing this off and giving this to them, share it via email, OR might we suggest inserting it in a copy of our book Real Intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality.

To partners who are engaged or newly-married, you could use this as a great conversation starter by placing a copy in the car, their pillow, or the nightstand with a little sticky that says, “How about a chat?” Meanwhile, grabbing a copy of Real intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality can better help you navigate this type of conversation as well as provide more information than just one article.

To all engaged or newly married mormon couples:

*Most of us will start having sex long before we learn how to actually talk about sex, so start learning how to talk about it.  Sex and money are the two biggest reasons people get divorced and the causes of the biggest fights in relationships.  Be proactive and make these conversations important even (and especially) when things are going well so you have a foundation on which to stand when things aren’t so good.

One caution would be to not try and engage in any sort of sexual critique during or right after sex. Engaging sexually can be very vulnerable and risky for many individuals so try and keep things positive during and after. That said, we tend to make a number of assumptions regarding what our partner thinks about sex; such as how often he or she would like to actually have sex. But that’s an important question and one that, if left undiscussed, can cause misunderstanding and frustration.

So, pretend like you’re on a game show in which you’ve both been asked that question. Write the answer on a piece of paper, fold it up, and hand it to the other person (with the understanding that there is no wrong or right answer and that each person needs to be completely honest). Then, if there is a difference, talk about it and find ways to compromise creatively, until each feels heard and satisfied with the outcome.

*You don’t have to have sex on your honeymoon.  (Don’t groan until you have really thought about this) Assuming you haven’t been naked together, consider taking your honeymoon as an opportunity to start getting familiar with each other’s bodies. Jumping from barely kissing to full on intercourse in the course of one day is a huge leap for many people. One of you may be more excited and ready for sex and the other may not be.

One of the most important aspects of a healthy sexual relationship is trust. Trust allows for vulnerability and risk which creates passion. And passion is what most of us are hoping for. That said, your honeymoon can set the stage for the rest of your sexual relationship together and if trust is violated, it’s challenging to restore it. Instead, give yourselves space to just be naked together, take a shower, dare to touch and see with the lights on, do whatever you WANT to do, just take the pressure off of feeling like there is anything you HAVE to do just because you are “on your honeymoon” and all the cultural expectation that comes with that.

*When it comes to things you have learned about sex or sex advice, keep the best and get rid of the rest (including any advice we’ve suggested here!) You both are the stewards of your relationship, no one else.  If you have been given the advice that to be a good partner, it’s your duty to have sex, throw that one out.  While we can be sexually generous partners (choosing to have sex because we know it’s important to our partner) being a dutiful partner or a dutiful wife will kick your desire to be sexual right out the door.

*Contraception is more than just “the pill” If pregnancy is not immediately on the horizon, you’re going to have to use some form of contraception ranging from: Natural Family Planning, to condoms, to pills, rings, and so on. Just because you choose one, doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it if something doesn’t feel right. You wouldn’t continue wearing an uncomfortable pair of shoes simply because you tried them on first. Additionally, 20th century cultural thinking placed the responsibility of contraception mostly on the woman’s shoulders.  In our era of sexual equality, it is the responsibility of both partners to talk about, agree upon, and take responsibility for birth control. Doing so will continue to build trust and open lines of communication.

We encourage you to consult a medical professional regarding contraception and, if one or both of you has been sexually active previously, to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases which may require further treatment and/or the continued use of a condom. Do not add chlamydia to the gift list.

*Have fun with sex.  While many of us have heard that “sex is the most sacred and special thing we can do…” sex is also one of the most fun things we can do. Laugh, smile, play and allow yourselves to just have fun in the bedroom (or kitchen, or living room, or car, or tent, or… 🙂

*Movie sex is not real sex.  We’ve all seen the same scenes where sex is mind-blowing, electric, filled with fireworks and seems to last for hours. Additionally, no one is around to make sure the lighting is just right with the perfect soundtrack happening in the background. Unfortunately, many of us are expecting and hoping our sex will be what the media presents to us, and when it’s not we think something must be wrong, or we blame our partner.  What the movies don’t show is the normal realities of sex — it can be messy, there are strange sounds,  and it’s not always orgasmic.  Let us re-emphasize — good sex is not always orgasmic.  It can be good, connecting, experience building, learning and intimate, all without an orgasm. Movies place an inordinate amount of importance on climaxing which leaves too many couples thinking critically about their sexual relationship unnecessarily.

*Sex takes practice.  Again, the movies make us believe that sex should just be magical and just happen.  We cannot think of a single skill that doesn’t have a learning curve or take practice.  If you treat sex like a skill and practice, sex will only become more fun, more intimate and more pleasurable for you both. Reading books, taking classes, and/or seeking counseling or coaching when necessary is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of maturity and that you actively care about the well-being of the relationship.  For example, approximately 85% of women experience orgasm via their clitoris, not their vagina through intercourse AND a lot of women will need stimulation during intercourse.  Again learning how a woman likes her clitoris stimulated can take practice.

*Pornography is not sex education, it is entertainment. If either of you have a history of pornography, it’s important for you to understand what it is and what it is not. It is not designed to provide healthy education about sex, intimacy, relationship or love. It is a movie, just as The Goonies is a movie. There is lighting, editing, body-shaping, and acting. Basing your relationship on or comparing it to porn would be like comparing your life to any other movie or tv — totally unrealistic.  We are also not minimizing pornography by calling it entertainment. Pornography can create many problematic behaviors and pose challenges in relationships. If pornography is something used by one of you in secret, we highly encourage you to bring it out in the open and address it transparently and honestly, to be able to see it for what it really is.

*Talk about what your fidelity commitment really means.  From the moment you say “I do” you both may have an idea that you both know what fidelity means for your relationship, but in this new technological age, really fleshing this out saves a lot of marriages unforeseen stress. Questions such as; Is it okay to have opposite sex friends on facebook? How about lunch with a male or female friend? What do you consider cheating? Again, you cannot assume you know these answers and are in complete agreement. Talking about these questions and others and deciding together what is okay for your relationship is imperative.

*Sex isn’t dirty, bad or sinful, but you may have been raised to feel this way.  Lots of men and women growing up in the church who chose to reserve their sexuality for their partner may now be struggling with feelings of guilt or shame.  This can be common and we recommend Laura Brothersons’ book, And They Were Not Ashamed to address The Good Girl/Good Boy, Bad Girl/Bad Boy syndrome.

*Get to know your body so you can educate your partner.  We see a lot of women who really have no understanding of the equipment (meaning vulva, clitoris, vagina) they were born with and hope their husband will have an idea of how it all works and what to do with it. At a minimum, brush up on your anatomy and see what and where everything is. Take a mirror and look at your genitals.  Trust us that your partner will be grateful you know how your body works.

Take time to explore each other’s bodies and communicate about what you like and don’t like. For instance, someone may not like having their neck kissed, but they may like it warmly breathed on. So, when we say “explore” we mean really taking the time to figure out what works and what doesn’t. And if you’ve never had the back of your knee kissed, then you don’t know if you like it or not. Have fun enjoying the full buffet. Lastly, keep in mind that just as the food we like can change over time, the way you like your body touched or interacted with may change over time too, so this activity shouldn’t be done once and then never done again. Again, it’s a great way to keep the conversation going, keep things fresh, and maintain the excitement and passion.

*Sex can provoke anxiety.  Sex is exciting, vulnerable, scary, new and can create nerves — all of which is completely normal.  However, your anxiety or nerves shouldn’t be so high that you avoid sex, that you have panic attacks or that you shut down.  If you are experiencing anxiety at this level, consider seeking professional help from a counselor.

*Lastly, a couple of practical tips that are so simple, yet so important that we can’t leave them out:

Go to the bathroom before and after sex.  You will reduce your chances of a yeast infection (and if one of you gets a yeast infection, don’t have sex until it is completely gone or it will just keep getting passed back and forth). We have found many couples lacking in a basic understanding of the practicalities of a sexual relationship. Again, knowledge is power, so don’t be afraid to ask questions and seek information.

*Lube, lube, lube.  Just as a bike chain runs better with lubrication, so does the body when it comes to sex.  While your body may naturally lubricate when it’s aroused, with enough friction the natural lubrication may decrease and pain or discomfort can increase.  We recommend using a silicone based lubrication for intercourse and feel free to use it liberally.  (*Women, especially if you are a first timer with intercourse, your body may not naturally lubricate and lubrication will GREATLY help your first experience)

With love,

Kristin and Alisha, The Sisters of Sex

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Who are the Sisters of Sex (formally known as The Mormon Sex Girls)? Our names are Kristin and Alisha and we are known as The Sisters of Sex.  We are co-authors of newly published book “Real Intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality” and we are in the process of writing our second book, ‘Yes! You Can Talk To Your Kids About Sex available in 2015.  Kristin is a Sex Therapist and Alisha is a sex and intimacy coach.  The best part is we are sisters and not just sisters in the gospel, but literal sisters.  Our goal and mission is to start having conversations about sex and intimacy in our culture so we can have healthier and happier relationships.  Intimacy is an important part of that.  We accomplish this in a variety of ways through workshops, therapy, coaching, radio and television but we also answer real questions from real people to help where they feel stuck.

Send us your questions and we’ll give you answers.  You maintain complete confidentiality, so your identify is safe with us.  You can find us at realintimacybook.com, thehealinggroup.com or email: sistersofsex@gmail.com