In recent weeks, there has been a lot of talk in the Mormon community about excommunication, with such high-profile disciplinary councils as what’s-her-face and what’s-his-bucket making the headlines (if anybody remembers her face or his bucket, please let me know). If you’re like me, you’re probably thinking “Ex-comm-what-uh-what-shun??? Golly, mister! That’s a pretty big word!” Well you’re right, it IS a pretty big word. A big, scary word. A big, scary, ominous, dark, shadowy word. It even has an “x” in it, for added scariness. That can’t be good.

Well now that we’ve established that nobody knows what “excommunication” is, let’s put our heads together and figure out what this dag-blasted word means! I find that sometimes the best way to understand a word is to break it down into smaller words. Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s examine it!

“EX” – Your former lover. Currently you are avoiding him/her because you’re still bitter about the breakup. You still haven’t stopped listening to sad music. Get over it, you’re being pathetic and it’s bumming out your friends.

“COM” – A very common web domain. Come to think of it, maybe COM is short for COMMON. I haven’t researched this, I’ll have to get back to you on this one.

“MU” – A Greek letter. I vaguely remember it being used as a symbol in physics class in high school. I can’t remember what it represents… maybe it has something to do with friction? Sure, let’s go with friction.

“NI” – There exists a fearsome group of knights who protect this sacred word. They are able to fill their adversaries with fear at the mere mention of it.

“CAT” – A feline. I’m allergic to these things, which adds yet another level of terror that this word conjures up in the very depths of my soul.

“ION” – An atom or molecule that has an unequal number of protons and electrons, causing it to be positively or negatively charged. You can tell if an ion is positively or negatively charged by showing it a glass of water that is filled half way and asking the ion to describe it. If it says that the glass is “half full,” the ion is positively charged. If it says the glass is “half empty,” well buddy, you’ve got yourself a negatively charged ion.

So, from this analysis we can clearly deduce that… Ummm…

(45 minutes of uncomfortable silence)

*RING!!!*

Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks! Come back next week for another spiritually edifying Gospel Doctrine class.