After our Stake was created in 2008, a friend of mine in a different ward met with me for a girl’s lunch. We discussed the recent changes and I asked how things were going with a newly called bishop, who had grown children and was semi-retired.
“He’s great… but it’s like having a bishop from the 80’s,” she replied.
She proceeded to explain that her bishop gave more expenses to the Young Men’s Program than the Young Women and that this bishop wanted bi-weekly ward activities in spite of busy ward schedules filled with dances, temple trips, mutual, and relief society activities.
“He’s just very 80’s.” she said. “I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but he’s just behind how things operate in the Church.”
From this time on, I noticed similar situations…
# 1
I sat in a presidency meeting with a member of the bishopric as we looked over a ward list to find new teachers in Primary. As we scanned through the names two young men, recently graduated from high school and prepping for missions, struck me as a inspired choice to teach our class. I wasn’t alone in this feeling- the presidency all agreed that these two young men felt like these were the teachers. Not far into our discussion of having them teach, the bishopric member chimed in and said, “But Primary is for the mothers and women of the Church to teach. Not these Young Men. Surely they can serve somewhere else.”
# 2
I listened intently as my visiting teachee explained to me her more recent problem with coming back into full activity into the Church. She had broken the law of chastity and had sexual relations during a first date that turned into a one night stand. Only it wasn’t your typical sexual relations. It had some name that I cannot remember now. When I didn’t recognize what she was talking about, she rolled her eyes and said, “I had the same problem when I talked to the bishop.”
She proceeded to explain things- and I learned far more than I wanted to know about her sex life. She finally explained that she was embarrassed and annoyed that she had to explain this over and over again to the bishop who was a lot more naïve about things than I was.
#3
I sat in Relief Society listening to another lesson on motherhood and homemaking. As a mother who works outside of the home, I am used to hearing the quotes about staying at home and foregoing employment to take care of her children. But I also study current General Conference talks, where working mothers are more accepted.
I also recently studied out the Relief Society Presidents who have served since the Church was organized. I was impressed to find that, until recent years, most of the women called to serve as president had worked outside their homes- as teachers or grocers. It seems that in the last 50 or so years serving as the General Relief Society President included the requirement to stay at home while raising children.
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HOW DO YOU HANDLE A CHURCH LEADER THAT IS STUCK IN THE PAST?
How do you handle the discrepancy between modern day and current revelation with a church leader who leads like it’s the 1980’s?
Here’s what I do:
1. Pray. Yeah I know, you’ve heard this one a THOUSAND times. But the Church’s first teaching is personal revelation. When I get shot down with how I’m living my life (working + motherhood) I come back to this. I get that same confirmation that I’m doing what I need to do for me and my family.
2. Sustain them as best you can: So your bishop isn’t reading the Urban Dictionary to understand the funky things young people do in this day and age to be intimate. That’s not going to change. You can’t make them change. And it’s okay. You do your part- repenting or serving where asked to – and it works out.
3.Talk to the right people- don’t be a gossip: If something is grossly erroneous, talk to the right people in a private conversation. If funding is unequal between the sexes, then privately ask the Stake President about it— if you’re in a presidency position. If not, then ask the called presidency about it. But don’t go stir up a hornets nest on a perceived error. Hopefully you’re brave enough to ask the leader head-on in a private setting. That’s probably the best way to get to the bottom of it.
4. Focus on General Conference and modern-day revelation: It wasn’t long after pondering these things that Elder Holland said it spot on, ”… imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it”. So go to the source for doctrine and know that this bishop or relief society president or whoever is only called for a season. They’re learning and growing and one day will be released.
Your responsibility is to still have your faith when that release happens. You must work on your conversion and your relationship with God first and foremost.
Callings in the Church come and go. But Enduring to the End and keeping you faith… that’s what you are accountable for.
This is an interesting post. I’m sad to see that some of these things are still going on. Unfortunately, I think what you are encountering is more of an individual thing than institutionalized church culture (at least I hope that’s the case). I also think you are responding well in doing the things you have outlined.
#1 – I was called as a primary teacher between high school and my mission – way back in the mid 1980s. It was a great calling for me and helped me prepare for my mission. I have seen this happen for others. If that bishopric member who thinks Primary is just for women is a counselor, I would suggest the Primary president go directly to the bishop. He may see things differently than the counselor.
#2, I don’t think we can expect any bishop to keep up on all of the latest ways to sin. Maybe this person used a slang term and there is another term that the bishop might have more readily understood.
#3 – This sounds like a Relief Society issue and not a bishop issue. You are correct that recent statements in General Conference and from church leadership are much more accepting of working women, but they often still have some kind of “when necessary” type of statement with them. I wonder if those previous RS general presidents who were grocers worked in a family store where the whole family worked together, thus giving her time with her children.
My father served as a bishop in the very early 1970s and again in the late 1980s. He commented about much things had changed between the two callings, not just in the way the church operated but in attitudes of people. He had to learn to keep up with what was going in. He also talked about how early in his service he was more reliant on the handbook for guidance and when he served later he was more able to focus on people and their needs. Bishops work hard, and I try to cut them some slack when I can.