7 Ways to Mormonize Your Wardrobe

While the rest of the world is stripping down their wardrobes to expose that golden tan skin, us Mormons are doing the opposite. We may shed our moon boots and puffy polyester coats, but that skin is still not gonna see daylight if we can help it.

Here’s 7 Easy Ways to Mormonize your Summer Wardrobe – complete with a shopping guide!

 

THE SHADE TEE

What we’re best known for – these thin, tight tees in every color of the rainbow cover up those devilish shoulders you’ve got. Wear them under tank tops, maxi dresses or even on their own for a plain jane chic look. Bonus points if it’s got the inches of lace at the bottom, which says you’re wild and fun… in the most celestial way. Buy here.

 

THE BOLERO/SHRUG CARDIGAN

Sometimes that Shade tee just isn’t enough when it’s time to cover those shoulders when you put them to the wheel. You gotta take your righteousness to the next level with a thin bolero or shrug cardigan. It hugs your shoulders with love and modestly protects your upper back with prying eyes, all while keeping your torso unencumbered for easier baking and kneeling to pray. Buy here. 

 

THE CAPRI LEGGING

Those shorts are a centimeter above your kneecap, so you better check yo evil self before you wreck yo evil self. Slip on some of these bad boys under any skirts, shorts or dress to make sure those kneecaps aren’t causing any type of problems. White looks particularly awful and therefore chaste. Buy here.

 

THE BRAIDED BELT

Gentlemen, you didn’t think I forgot about you, did you? We’d never dream of leaving our pants-wearing compatriots out of this helpful guide. Summertime is where you can really get fancy with those cargo shorts – add this useful braided belt to keep them from baring your testimony (garments). Buy here. 

 

THE WHITE CREWNECK

Wear this simple number under everything – even other crew necks! It can never hurt to have an extra layer, and the ladies will appreciate you modestly covering up the 3 hairs on your upper chest. Modest is Hottest,  don’t forget. Buy here. 

 

THE ONE PIECE SWIMSUIT

We single-handedly keep this industry alive, ladies. And our options have never been better! I’ve heard rumor that we’ll be getting some turtleneck models next summer – fingers crossed! Buy here.

 

THE CHUNKY WHITE SNEAKER

When you visit Disneyland this summer, easily identify other Mormons by looking at their feet. Mormons know the importance of chunky, old sneakers for they are the best when striving to lengthen your stride towards Splash Mountain. Flip Flops, or … forgive me… THONGS… are so irreverent and over the line – wear your sneakers to the pool as well! Buy here. 

 

THE BYU PARAPHERNALIA

You aren’t fully dressed until you add some BYU gear to your outfit. T-shirt, ball cap, plastic band bracelet – don’t forget to sport the Lord’s University everywhere you go. You’re basically a missionary wearing that sacred blue and white Y. Buy here. 

**All suggestions are slightly literal, mostly satirical. We love our peculiar modesty and respect our bodies with good reason. 🙂