(Continued from Previous posts from Not Quite Enos)

The Stake President seemed to be examining the essence of my soul with his icy blue eyes. He said “I’m trying to understand if you just wanted the physical pleasure more than you wanted to keep your covenants or…if you really just didn’t know that what you were doing was wrong.” I too was searching my own self for the answer to this question. What really did I want? What all did I actually do that got me here? Honesty, I wanted to do the right thing. Since the dawn of my adult conversion to the gospel I had always just wanted to do the right thing.

I realized a deeply disheartening truth during the span of time between my first wife leaving and the time that I accepted the reality that she wasn’t coming back. I learned that your truest effort to achieve covenant perfection will have absolutely no certain influence on your significant other’s desire or decision to do the same. You can’t make someone want to work things out. You can’t pray their agency away by living a laser straight and narrow life. So why try?

I was excommunicated at a point in my life when I should have been my strongest. I felt like my faith had been forged in flames of the most difficult trials. The truth is that I had prayed, I had pleaded with God, and Ihad sought the guidance of my Bishop every single step of the way. When my wife left I turned to God as my unfailing support. He was the reason I chose to live. He was the reason I had strength to press on.

Things between “Esther” and I moved very fast, but at the same time we halted frequently, and made every attempt to check where we were, and what we were doing.  We began to feel wholly connected through a very tangible Spirit. But the fact that I was still married never left our conscious minds. So many times I asked, why God would you send me this woman and her children, to care for, and provide a shelter for at her greatest time of need? What is the plan here and what are we doing?

We prayed together often Esther and I. We brought our kids together to read scriptures and have family home evening. We had a nonmember friend over for meals and even invited the Elders to teach in Esther’s home. Esther invited our friend to church, and she  eventually was baptized. She’s still an active member today. We counseled with our Bishop, seeking his honest guidance when things were most difficult. I don’t even talk to this old friend of mine anymore. We asked him to marry us when my divorce was final. He said he would love to, when the time was right.

We planned a small wedding in a park near some beautiful waterfalls. It was in this spot that an old mill stood over 100 years ago; the spot where Esther’s grandparents worked, and where they were later engaged. It was gorgeous. Two days before the wedding our Bishop called. Through tears he relays to me that the Stake President has forbidden him from officiating our marriage. He said, “after the betrayal, the homelessness, the problems and now your decision to make it right through marriage…I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this.” And I thought, why this?

I tried to do everything with an eye single to God, but there still was just too many times that the flesh was weak. There was too many times that I should have just walked away. But honestly in my heart I was scared. I felt like God had given me this new amazing relationship, to fill the void left by my wife. I felt like He sent her to save me, because she did, in very real ways. I felt strongly that He had instructed me to fight for her, and to keep fighting because I was trying to do the right things. I just needed to keep fighting and things would work out. They always worked out.

Twelve months ago I was still shocked that I was being excommunicated because this whole time I had been the victim! I felt like the wrongs were done to me, so why am I facing a trial at the hands of the High Priests? I knew I had made mistakes but didn’t they know that I was acting on the counsel of my Bishop when Esther moved in to my house? The reality that I see now is that in the fog of spiritual war we can easily lose sight of who’s commands we are really following. Aside from breaking the law of chastity I can not tell you what, if any other factors played a role in the Stake Presidency’s decision to excommunicate me.

The very truth is that God never placed us in an impossible situation even though it absolutely seemed that way at the time. I know now that in fact He created every opportunity for me and Esther to do things the right way. We just failed when it came to having the real faith necessary to press on, because we were tired of fighting.

Not Quite Enos

Next time: I answer your questions