Chess has varies pieces. They’re all different, but all are necessary to play the game. The same is true, oh so true, of Singles Wards. Here is your guide to navigating that black and white tiled mat that will ultimately lead to your eternal bliss or demise.

Pawns: These are the most prevalent of all of Singles Ward members. Think of them as space fillers. These are the ward members you look at but don’t really see. When someone mentions their name you subtly peek down at your pocket, open your LDS tools app, and only then do you realize you in fact know who they are but really don’t remember a single thing about them. They come, they make your ward a better place, but are often the first to be forgotten or moved aside for bigger, better “pieces” in the ward.

Knights: Just like the unusual movement of the knight in chess, the knights of a Singles Ward are very unpredictable. In chess, the knight is the only piece that can move at the beginning of the game without a pawn being moved first. The Singles Ward knights are on point, and usually the first to prey on incoming hotties. You may call the knights the “players.” Always on the prowl and hoping to catch the eye of someone. They flit and flitter between social groups and move in mysterious ways as the chess piece moves in weird “L” shapes. They always have flowing, stylish manes as well, just like their horse chess pieces. This also includes facial hair.

Bishops: No, it’s not actually the bishop of your ward. In chess, bishops are about equal in strength with a knight. They have as much drive and vision as your Singles Ward knights, but they have a completely different focus. Just like the chess bishop, these pieces only move diagonal with access to half the squares on the board. These people are usually, but not always, the working individuals. They have lofty goals, are career oriented, and tend to not get involved in the humdrum of the Singles Ward. It’s hard to pin one down, because their heads are up above the clouds looking at their 40-year-old very successful selves. That makes them even more like the chess bishops in that they gain more strength as more pieces are captured. I.e. as everyone else moves on in life, they become more successful in their careers. But — are still single.

Rooks: The rooks. Do not mess with the rooks. They are pieces of strategy. These are the ward gossips. In chess, they are more valuable than bishops and knights. In the Singles Ward, they are also just as valuable because they know everyone’s beez wax. Rooks grow in power toward the end of a game of chess and can be a powerful piece to deliver the checkmate. Keep them away from your own Singles Ward game of romantic chess if you have any prayer continuing the game.

Imagine a siege tower pushed up against your castle wall. Somehow they will penetrate (can we use this word?) and they WILL know all of your secrets. Unrelated to a Singles Wards, rooks can also be hairdressers.

Queen: The most powerful piece in chess. They can move anywhere and any number of squares. These are the spiritual rocks, beautiful, strong and confident women of the church. Women of the world, and particularly in the church, have a divine, borderline voodoo, power and ability to do good. They can change the hearts and mind of nearly anyone.

In checkers there can be more than one queen. In both games of chess and the Singles Ward, pawns that have been in Singles Wards long enough and have progressed far enough can be promoted to a queen. The women of the church all have great potential to be queens, and many do become one.

King: The king is the most important piece in a game of chess. In the Singles Ward, the king is That Guy. He is handsome, he is very spiritual, he is kind and has the best sense of humor. In chess you want to trap the other player’s king… meaning in a Singles Ward that king is up for grabs. Ladies, you want to secure that king as fast as humanly possible. You “check” him out, and then you “check” him as your “mate.” It is the most important piece but also the weakest until later on in the game. He has to have time to mature and become that hunk of a king, then he will be the head of your wonderful, future, home.

And there you have the chessmen of the Singles Ward. But here is the catch — the turnover rate of the Singles Ward is very fast. This means that if you are not satisfied with the chess piece you think you may be, you have the potential to grow, learn, expound and become whatever you want to be. And isn’t that the whole point of a Singles Ward? To expand your mind and experiences until you find someone to do it with for the rest of forever.

Now that you know the pieces, stay tuned for a guide to Playing the Games of Singles Chess. You don’t have to be as smart or nerdy to play, but that’s not to say that there isn’t a smorgasbord of smart, nerdy people who do play.