We are so excited to be guests in The Cultural Hall.  You can’t quite call us “investigators” because we have in fact been sitting in The Cultural Hall pews for quite some time.  However, despite sitting in the back and avoiding eye-contact, Richie has extended a call for us to be speakers.  In true “speaker” fashion, we are going to give you a little background on who we are before we dig right in.

Our names are Kristin and Alisha and we are known as The Sex Girls.  We are co-authors of newly published book “Real Intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality”, Kristin is a Sex Therapist and Alisha is a sex and intimacy coach.  The best part is we are sisters and not just sisters in the gospel, but literal sisters.  Our goal and mission is to start having conversations about sex and intimacy in our culture so we can have healthier and happier relationships.  Intimacy is an important part of that.  We accomplish this in a variety of ways through workshops, therapy, coaching, radio and television but we also answer real questions from real people to help where they feel stuck.

We hope you will support us in our calling so Richie doesn’t release us. Send us your questions and we’ll give you answers.  You maintain complete confidentiality, so your identify is safe with us.  You can find us at realintimacybook.com, thehealinggroup.com, facebook/askthesexgirls or email: askthesexgirls@gmail.com

Dear Sex Girls,

My husband and I have a great relationship, four kids, and overall I’d say things are “working.”  They are not perfect, we have our issues, but we generally see eye-to-eye on things.  However, when it comes to sex and intimacy, it seems like we have hit a bit of a rut and we are not sure how to break out.  We both like  how often we are intimate but honestly, we are a bit bored.  Help?

Dear Stuck in a SEXY Rut –

Before we jump to any conclusions, we want to make sure both you and your husband know the fundamentals of pleasure.  If you don’t know the fundamentals, such as male/female anatomy and general erogenous zones, get to know them.  This is a crucial step in to spicing up your love life because believe it or not, we see many men and women who are not familiar with a woman’s pleasure zones and because of this, many women haven’t ever experienced an actual climax.  (On a side note, if you find yourself saying, “I think I have climaxed”…then it’s 99.9% likely you have not.) Knowing basic anatomy and erogenous zones are like a chef knowing the basics of cooking food.  If a chef is bored with cooking or what he is preparing is not turning out how he’d like, it’s important he revisits the fundamentals.  (Over 80% of women won’t climax from just intercourse alone)  If you know the fundamentals, the spicy options are endless!

Ok, so now assuming you know the fundamentals and you are both satisfied with how your bodies are working, let’s talk options for spicing it up!

1) Move out of the bedroom: So often we see couples who limit their intimacy to their bedroom and specifically their bed.  While the bedroom seems like the natural place to be intimate, it can also get redundant.  Think back to when you were dating and all of the different places you made out;  possibly in the car, the kitchen, a park…mixing up location can add a new buzz of excitement and risk that will stoke any intimate fire.

2) Bring in the erotic energy:  It’s easy to get caught up in car pool, work meetings, piano lessons and homework and intimacy can become just another thing on the to-do list.  Usually boring sex happens when it is the last thing we do before our heads hit the pillows for the night.  If you plan a sex date once a week, and you prioritize around that, suddenly it becomes something you both can look forward to and have on your mind.  That easily brings back some sexy energy in your day-to-day and gives opportunity to then flirt with each other as your sex date gets closer. Send flirty texts, leave sticky notes, put on that cologne or perfume that you know your spouse loves, flowers, candles!  All of that breaks up the routine.

3) Share a fantasy:  Now, before you say you don’t have a fantasy, hear me out because I believe EVERYONE has a fantasy.  Take this for example:  Imagine your spouse walking through the door and heading straight to the garbage can without being asked, flinging the trash bag over his shoulder, making his way to the outside garbage then replacing the liner.   That’s a fantasy!  Sometimes we just have to reconnect with ourselves and give ourselves permission to dream a bit.  When it comes to sex and intimacy, often times we have fantasies such as I would love it if he kissed me a bit harder or I would love it if she would give me a massage.  Sharing these fantasies can be a fun and intimate way to connect with your spouse. It’s important to resist the urge to criticize or negatively judge a shared fantasy as it’s just another way to invite each other into your intimate worlds. And remember, you don’t have to actually act on a fantasy, as the “idea” often creates enough flirty energy to last a lifetime.

4) Revisit your “intimacy menu”: In our book, Real Intimacy, a Couple’s Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality we talk about creating a list of things you like, would like to sometime try, and/or things you would like to experience more often. This can be a challenging but rewarding exercise because you may think you know what your spouse likes when in actuality you don’t and may be surprised. Also, many people, especially women, don’t often take the time to think about what they really want during sex, let alone express that want. The “menu” is a fun way to open up that conversation.