- Richie at my wedding pre-reception back in ’07
“Lift up the hands that hang down”
“Mourn with those that mourn”
“Visit the widows, the fatherless…”
Back in September in The Hall, Richie and Rob went back and forth over Richie being a bad friend because he was involved in shooting a movie on the same day as Rob’s wedding. (Click here to listen).
While being in a movie does not necessarily flow in the same principles as the quoted text above, it got me thinking about these things.
We are taught to help those in need, those who struggle, those who are sad. But what about those who are happy- or at least appear to be happy? Are Mormon’s bad-weather friends?
Last night at my ward Trunk-or Treat, I made sure to go and visit with a friend my age (30ish) who recently had two strokes. I recall consciously thinking that I should check in with another ward pal who is happily expecting a baby after a few years of trying without success. I didn’t check in with her. Why? Because she is happy.
In my defense- and the defense of Mormons everywhere- life is busy! Kids, work, callings, housekeeping, etc. etc. So the time we can squeeze in to see people at the hard times of life is better than nothing!
Still… I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt- or a twinge on not being a ‘true’ friend for not being there consistently for the joyous times of life.
I think Mormons being friends with Mormons understand and are more forgiving of being bad-weather friends. But friends of different churches or faiths may not be so understanding. Perhaps that is why Mormons tend to be friends with other Mormons.
Well I wish I could say that I’m going to resolve to change. I always enjoy reading blog posts that end with change or a goal to improve.
But I’m going to be honest… I have folded laundry to put away, a kitchen to clean, visiting teaching not yet done (wait is it the 31st and a holiday? Well… maybe next month) and my own family to spend time with and make good memories with.
So…let’s just call it what it is. Mormons are “bad” weather friends.
That’s all I got.
I’m pretty passionate about this topic–it drives me crazy that Mormons consider the person they have a 90 second conversation with at church once a week a friend. Let’s not confuse friendship with being friendly. I’ve had many tell me I am their good or even best friend–and I know hardly anything about them and they about me! I could go on and on–but I’ll share an article I wrote a while back that sums up my view of friendship. http://www.latter-dayhomeschooling.com/2011/10/friendship.html
Emily I LOVED your blog! Thanks for sharing. I think you hit the nail on the head by saying it’s something we need to prioritize. You’re right- we find the time to keep our appearances looking good, we should also find the time to be a true friend.
Thanks for the comment and the link… friend 😉
I go through periods when I think that Mormons make the best friends and periods when I feel like Mormons make the worst friends.
This is something I’ve struggled with, as a “chronically single” (code for: 40 something and still single) Mormon. I’ve developed friendships with people at church, through callings in common but, when the people are released from their callings, it seems that the friendship is released as well. For a married person this may not be a big deal, for a single person (who doesn’t have a built-in support system in a spouse), it’s kind of a harsh reality.
I also know lots of Mormons that just don’t have a lot of friends. They do the work thing, the church thing, the family thing and their plates are full. I understand that but I also think that they are missing out on relationships that will benefit them.
I do think that Mormons are, for the most part, anxiously engaged in good works. Between visiting and home teaching, calling related duties, church related meetings, events, activities and work and home life… it seems there is little time for actual friendship. The friendliness is there. The Kindness is there. But, friendship? Not so much.
Like most things in life, friendship is something that you have to make happen.
Also a really good point- I agree that friendships and callings seem to go hand in hand. In the same vein, so do life stages. I can’t tell you how many times someone from church talks to me as though all the sisters in my ward in the same stage of life are my best friends- it is assumed that because we are both young moms we must hang out together outside of church! Sadly it’s not the case and I always have to say, “Well, I don’t know that much about her, so I don’t really know what you are referring to…”
I imagine it may be the same as a single person- people at church categorize a single person that they must have single person friends and so those that are married tend to not reach out.
It’s not how true friendship should work- I think we know better as Latter-day Saints. Instead of having a policy of being friends with those in the same stage of life (which I think leads to a superficial friendship) we should seek out those with common interests- because I like people who are obsessed with food and Star Wars- that is where I find a deeper and more meaningful relationship that would last longer than a calling or a ward boundary!
I have a few lds friends who are too busy to be good friends, but I don’t see why that would be a Mormon quality. Everyone’s busy. People who don’t visit teach or fulfill callings do other things: volunteer or have a job or get involved in politics. Whether you want to do fun stuff with happy friends or not is just a matter of what you need to feel fulfilled–some people need it, some don’t. Doesn’t matter what religion you are.
Chow I was JUST talking about this to one of my friends on a trip to London. I was trying to describe how I have several friends who resist, or even straight up refuse help from me but when I have hit a rough patch BAM! There they are with hot rolls and a jello mold. I ended up saying just that, they are my bad weather friends. Don’t get me wrong everyone needs them but I swear my best “bad weather” friends are the ones least likely to allow me to help them when they need it. Come on, I want to be a bad weather friend too ha! It’s true we should focus on rejoicing with those who rejoice and who DOESN”T want to be around happy people? Hugs to you & Russ!
I remember as a kid my grandparents having friends over to play cards. My parents never did such things. Now I can’t even get my brothers and sisters to just “hang out” without there being a function involved. I can’t imagine, with the lack of modern conveniences, my grandparents were less busy than we are today. And they definitely weren’t goof-offs. They would house sick missionaries, they would take in troubled cousins of mine, and their house was always open to anyone in the family who wanted to stop by for a visit. Plus, my grandpa had a demanding job at IBM in the days when they were switching from typewriters to computers. You can’t tell me today we’re more busy than them. The only difference I can think of is they took time out to recharge their batteries so they didn’t feel so worn out from it all.
But I don’t just think it’s generational thing. I agree with the idea that it’s a church thing. I’ve mentioned in other comments I married into a non-LDS family. My wife’s father is Christmas and Easter Catholic. He works very hard with long hours. However, he too would get together with friends. Granted, he doesn’t engage in a lot of neighborly service along the lines of crockpot dinners and weeding the yards of old ladies. However, he has a lot of friends that he lends support to when they’re in need. Which is the bigger point: He has a lot of friends.
I totally agree with this post. I think we as a church have a problem with being friends.
Jimmy Jon, your comment left me pondering about how LDS people feel about friendships. Do we feel that friendship is just another obligation? Or do we realize what a valuable enriching part of life it can be for us? Often, I think friendship gets lumped into the category of visiting teaching–something one should squeeze in because its the right thing to do. Oh there is a widow in the ward who needs a friend–let’s make sure to say hello to her every week. Check–obligation completed for this week. But I think so many miss out on the joy of friendship. True friendships add so much to our lives. And I really feel we need those friendships in our lives every day.
I think you’re onto something. And I wonder if it’s unique to Utah where our neighbors are our ward. Therefore, it’s very easy to combine and confuse social life with church callings. Two examples in my life that are only a month or so old:
1. I can’t get my home teacher to say hi to me ‘on the street’ and he does that thousand yard stare beyond everyone in the halls at church, but every month he’s in our house saying how great our family is and how thankful he is for us being in the ward. He’ll even carry on a real conversation. I guess it means he’s neighborly when his church calling demands it.
2. My daughter fell off her bike a couple months ago and the young women’s president saw it happen. She was driving by and didn’t stop to check on her, but instead called her next door neighbor who called us with only had a vague notion of where it was our daughter had fallen. In the end, our daughter hobbled home while we were out looking for her. I guess the young women’s president felt she was “off the clock” at being neighbors so to speak and didn’t have to help one of her Beehives who was very much in need. Even to just pull over to briefly check on her or call us direct and let us know what happened.
Fun conversation.
re friendship being an obligation (live V.T.), it’s the same in Calif.
I’ll add one thing though… I’m an extreme introvert. Church and callings and work and the kids’ schedules sap me of what little desire I have to socialize in the first place. I need to be alone to energize (and I don’t get to do that much). But what is interesting is that when life slows down (hugely), I suddenly do reach out to some of my favorite people as a friend. It’s the sheer amount of forced socialization that keeps me from doing so.
And another comment… I’ve been in wards where there are very strong groups of friends that meet outside of the church meetings. From what I’ve seen, this tends to cause hurt feelings in those not invited. This is especially true when those going to movies / dinner post their activities on social media. Not sure how to solve either end of that problem.
This is a more widespread issue than I thought… I know in my ward I used to be extremely outgoing to the new families in the ward… because the ward I live in there’s a lot of people that are related and those of us not related felt like outsiders.
Anyway! It backfired. I was accused many times of creating “clicks” and have a “in-crowd”. For a while I gave up on socializing all together.
Now, I’ve tried to go ahead and have a Christmas party and invite way more people that I want to- just for the sake of not being “clickish”. We’ll see how it turns out.
I think it’s not just a Utah problem- but a everywhere problem. In fact it may be worse outside of Utah because the ward connection is more limited- it’s not your neighbor and your fellow ward member- it’s just a ward member you see maybe every Sunday and then randomly at the grocery store.