Everybody has one in their Utah neighborhood. Some neighborhoods even have two.
‘Inactive members.’
Now, to anyone outside of Utah or Mormon culture, the phrase ‘inactive member’ sounds like a lifeless body part, a limb somehow separated from the torso and lying in the grass somewhere.
No. The type of inactive member that I am referring to is a person. A person who used to go church regularly and then at some point, stopped going.
Often when this happens, active members of the Mormon church are a little bit confused about what to do and how to treat inactive members, so I have provided this handy guide.
What to do when your Mormon neighbor stops attending church:
- Don’t leave anonymous gifts. This includes books, pamphlets, DVDs, CDs, CTR jewelry, Willow Tree® figurines, and most importantly, baked goods. Now, I’m not saying that you can’t give your neighbor any gifts (with the exception of Rule 3). Free things are great. But give them to your neighbor’s face. Put the item in their hands. If it is something they don’t want, they can slip it into the box destined for Deseret Industries later. (Obviously, the baked goods should not be put in the D.I. box.)
- Don’t leave anonymous baked goods. Yes, I am repeating myself. There is nothing sketchier than finding a plate of cookies left on your doorstep. Who made them? Was it crazy Sister So-and-So who puts her own breast milk into every recipe? Or did Brother What’s-his-Bucket make them, because he is the King of Kalories and everything he makes is super delicious. Also, how long were the cookies sitting on the welcome mat? Did a cat come along and lick them? Did a fly land on them and leave trace amounts of poop on the frosting? So many terrifying possibilities! Anonymous baked goods are never to be trusted. They will be thrown in the trash.
- Don’t give Mormony gifts. This will backfire on you. Trust me. Your CD of a guitarist playing the hymnbook’s greatest hits will not be appreciated.
- Don’t show up unannounced. I don’t know if this is a Mormon thing or what, but this seems to be a problem in Utah. Give the inactive member a warning phone call before you visit. There is nothing worse than being braless and in your pajamas with a big blob of toothpaste on your forehead to get rid of a zit when the entire Relief Society presidency stops by unexpectedly.
- Respect Boundaries. If your inactive neighbor politely asks you to stop bugging them, stop bugging them. And never secretly try and recruit an inactive member’s child to any church-related activity without their knowledge.
- Keep them in the loop. If there is a community event that is non-churchy, make sure your inactive neighbor knows about it.
- Be friendly and honest with your inactive Mormon neighbor. Tell them what you are feeling. They were once active Mormons. They know that you are stressed about the sake of their souls. It’s okay to talk to them about your concerns as long as you do it with respect and kindness. But you are only allowed to do this one time. After that, the topic is forbidden. If you keep lecturing them about the church, they will become frightened of you and duck and cover every time they see you in a grocery store.
- Don’t be frightened. Your inactive neighbors have not gone to the dark side. They are not chainsaw-wielding psychos or sparkly vampires. Chances are, they haven’t changed very much. They just no longer feel like they fit in to the same church as you. It’s not a big deal.
In summary, don’t go weird on your inactive Mormon neighbor. Follow these easy rules and everybody in your neighborhood will be just fine. And don’t leave anonymous baked goods on anyone’s doorstep. Seriously.
Marie Brian, also known as The Cotton Floozy, is an alternative crafter and nap viking. Her crafts have been featured in Slug Magazine, Catalyst, and the Salt Lake Tribune. Besides making and selling subversive embroidery, Marie has written for various literary magazines including ‘Dialogue’ and ‘Segulla.’ Her poetry is included in the Mormon Poetry anthology ‘Fire in the Pasture.’ Last summer she wrote and performed in The Sunstone Symposium’s ‘Mormon Vagina Monologues.’ You can find The Cotton Floozy’s blog at www.cottonfloozy.com.
Great post. I hope your neighbors read this! 🙂
Don’t magically / instantly become their best friend, and then if they don’t become active in 6 months, start ignoring them again. If you are going to be a friend, be a lifetime friend and not an “assignment” friend.
A great thought,your neighbours must not ever feel the neglect thing.
The thing about inactive Mormons is that it–well– it usually started years before you meet them. Sometimes it is caused by rude Mormons who push their own interpretation of the Gospel down other people’s throats and then expect them to feel all warm and cozy at Church. Or maybe they are someone like me who never felt a part of things as a single and then when I married, I married a very inactive member and had to put up with inane comments about my chances of making it to the Celestial Kingdom; and when my husband finally did go to church, he listened to a conversation in Elder’s Quorum about how people who partied or whatever and are now trying to become active are “so far behind those of us who have been in the church since our perfect childhoods.” Come on Mormons–get real and follow the teachings of Christ–love one another and for heaven’s sake don’t “judge me because I sin differently than you do.” (quote: Elder Dieter Uchtdorf). Maybe some of us inactive people might feel more like becoming active if there was a little humility among the active members.
one or two inactives in the neighborhood? more like one or two thousand.