Sharing the Pew
Recently one of my friends ‘came out.’ Not as gay, but as a transsexual woman. Whereas once she was referred to as Brother Pants, she now goes by Sister Pants (women can wear pants, too, or haven’t you heard). And her bishop was cool with it. My friend’s bishop received her with love and empathy. He validated the truth that she may have been born with a man’s body, but had the identity of a woman. My friend beamed. Then the bishop warned her about the ward’s reaction. He was worried they would be mean.
At my son’s junior high school the insult du jour is a six-letter f-word for being gay. Rhymes with Bob Saget. My son’s school is mostly comprised of rich, white Mormon kids. They use this slur and others frequently to stuff the unpopular kids in the proverbial locker. The nicest kids at school are not Mormon, my son says. They are the kids with divorced parents, the kids with drug problems, the kids who don’t look at the world like it is their own personal smorgasbord of jello delights.
I haven’t been to church for five years. My kids stopped when I stopped, and my husband soon followed. Recently, my youngest daughter expressed a desire to go back to church. I wondered why. Is it because she was relentlessly teased about not being Mormon, about being different? One girl called her fat. I didn’t know this until she passed out cold in the shower. She told me about the mean girl and confessed that she hadn’t eaten for awhile because she was on a diet. My daughter is nine years old. ‘Why haven’t you been baptized?’ the kids asked her. ‘Don’t you know that you will go to hell unless you get baptized?’
And so now my daughter goes to church with her grandparents. She is doing better now that she fits in — now that they won’t tease her for being different.
Does the church teach about love? I think while I curl her hair and help her find black tights to match the new Costco dress I bought for her. Do they tell the kids that name calling is wrong? That picking on other kids for beingnot Mormon is maybe not what Jesus would do? In this case, it worked. They wore my daughter down.
What about the other kids? Do the gay boys and girls tamp down their identities so compact into their rib cages that they don’t know who they are any more?
I love living in Utah. I love my Mormon neighbors. I know that if something bad should happen to my family like an illness or a pet death that they would there for me in a second, bringing me meal after meal after meal. They are kind. They are loving. Unless you’re different. Unless you’re gay. Unless you’re a Democrat.
I kid about the Democrat thing. My conservative neighbors often bring me cookies. They taste not at all poisoned.
I am sure that many people believe that the most important issue the church faces is how to retain its members. Many of my friends would assert that the church needs to be more open about its history. Hey, that would be great. But I didn’t stop going to church because of its history. Every history is corrupted. Just read a memoir if you’re not sure. The author will always centralize the story around her own perceptions of her own life. We all mythologize. We all skew the truth. That’s the way it is. If I wrote my own story’s screenplay, I would cast Angelina Jolie as me, because seriously, we could be twins! (See: author profile photo for comparison.)
I didn’t stop going to church because of the whole murky history thing. I stopped going because I felt that the church stopped teaching the Doctrine of Love. (Please imagine Barry White saying that last bit. Looooooove.)
As long as we teach that feminism, gayness, and intellectualism is a sin, I cannot be a part of such an institution. As long as we condone exclusivity over inclusivity, I cannot raise my hand in sustaining. As long as we teach our children that being gay is bad and only church-approved socially-constructed ideas of a perfect family are good, I cannot send my daughter to church without stressing the eff out.
What can the church do to change? More teachings of love. Less tolerance of hatred. More compassion towards those who are different. Less subtext of disenfranchisement. More acceptance. Less bigotry. More Uchtdorf. Less Packer (who looks more and more like a Sith Lord as the years go by.)
If the church would make its buildings reverberate with tolerance, acceptance, and love, they wouldn’t have to worry about the members who are leaving the church in droves. They would keep the members, because people would instinctively love to attend, to bask in the warmth of a Jesus-like atmosphere, to share the pews with anyone and everyone — those pants-wearing ladies, the gay couples, and the transsexual children of God. That is the kind of church I want. Maybe, this is wishful thinking. I hope not.
~The Cotton Floozy
Marie Brian, also known as The Cotton Floozy, is an alternative crafter and nap viking. Her crafts have been featured in Slug Magazine, Catalyst, and the Salt Lake Tribune. Besides making and selling subversive embroidery, Marie has written for various literary magazines including ‘Dialogue’ and ‘Segulla.’ Her poetry is included in the Mormon Poetry anthology ‘Fire in the Pasture.’ Last summer she wrote and performed in The Sunstone Symposium’s ‘Mormon Vagina Monologues.’ Marie belongs to an ancient order known as The Super Secret Waffle Cult. Shhhh. It’s super secret.
I feel so grateful to have lived in so many inclusive, fabulous wards in other areas of the country. I often wonder if this is more of a Western States of America problem–because the wards I have been a part of who seem to have the hardest time with this are the ones with the highest concentration of young Utah/ID/CA transplants (grad school, military, first job etc). I am sure each ward has issues, of course, but when recent converts outnumber Old Guard members, I find that the Church Handbook is read more thoroughly, and the basic teachings are emphasized more than, say, who has shoulders and toes covered in infancy.
I completely agree La Yen. The higher the concentration of Mormons, (and at the risk of being lynched) especially Mormons who are descendants of early church leaders who seem to feel that they are better than others by birthright, the less the doctrine of the church is emphasized and the more the cultural aspects seem to be important. I only lived in Utah for 4 months, but it was even worse than I had feared it would be.
I had dreamed as a child and teenager of someday singing in the tabernacle choir, but not even the chance to be a part of singing beautiful songs of praise, could convince me to live in Utah again. Sigh.
It was almost more than I could handle to read this scree. I’m certain the intentions of the author are sincere, but I fail to understand how such a public ax-grinding shows anything more than the author’s own struggles. It doesn’t say anything much about the church to point out that it’s rich, culturally isolated, whitebread, youth are immature, judgmental and, well, like most teenagers.
The irony is that such a call for “love” feels full of hate when I read it. I definitely didn’t feel loved as I read this.
Perhaps the author should ponder on the issue of morality. One may hold a moral stance while still loving those who violate moral law. Because a cop issues a ticket to a grandma who accidentally runs a red-light, thus crashing into an innocent driver, it does not mean he does not love her. I would argue that, in many cases, love is the opposite of being an indulgent parent or friend.
@ AaronLMGoodwin
Morality in the sense that you are talking about it is completely subjective. I personally do not find anything “immoral” with somebody living their truth. IMO what is “immoral” is a gay man marrying a woman bc his religion does not accept that he is gay, and he wants to be part of his religion. That scenorio will inevidently end up w/ unhappy marriages which leads to unhappy families because the people are not living THEIR TRUTH. I know a woman who married a gay man in the temple even though his church leaders knew he was gay. None of them felt the need to disclose this infomation to the woman before this temple marriage. After 9 yrs of marriage, infidelity (w/ other men that could have ended w/ STD exposure) and a child later, the marriage ended in divorce. How is this the correct solution? I know that infidelity is not accepted in the Mormon church yet it happens when people surpress their natural sexual identities. Even if they do not succumb to infidelity, they are still not being honest w/ themselves or their spouse. People DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE GAY! When did you choose to be straight???? And if they are born gay, then did God make the mistake?
“love is the opposite of being an indulgent parent or friend.”
Accepting somebody for who they are is not indulgence. Love is acceptance and furthermore LOVE is NON JUDGMENTAL! Saying that this is a moral issue is judging and claiming that you have the right to judge whether somebody else is living their life by your moral standards. This is the author’s point. Whether it is the church or the people, there is a lot of judgement. I mean even in just saying that this is “the only true church” you are judging everybody outside of it by believing that they cannot possibly be living THEIR truth bc they are not in your true church. People seem to forget that it was the sinners and the prostitutes that Jesus loved and healed. Do you think he felt the need to judge them? Or is it possible he was wise enough and empathic enough to know their strife? To assume that you have the right to judge whether somebody else being gay or transsexual is a moral issue is not Christlike. All that we, as human beings (not GODS yet), need to be concerned about is whether we are living our own personal life according to our own personal moral code. Allow other people the freedom of will to do that for themselves.
Emily, you should get into the scarecrow business, because you’ve constructed a beautiful straw man here.
When did I ever say that a gay man should enter a heterosexual relationship?
This is not the Church’s stance, and neither is it mine.
The same Jesus who said “judge not” went on to say, in the same sermon, “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you”.
I think your understanding, therefore, of judgment is misguided.
I take issue with this: “I didn’t stop going to church because of the whole murky history thing. I stopped going because I felt that the church stopped teaching the Doctrine of Love…as long as we teach that feminism, gayness, and intellectualism is a sin, I cannot be a part of such an institution.”
Who teaches this exactly? I think you may be mistaking the actions of individuals as the teachings of the church. This is going to sound trite but I have a little bit of a commute so to kill the time I’ve been revisiting General Conference talks. I have heard NOTHING in ANY talk (Packer or Holland or anyone) that would condone hate or exclusion or anti-intellectualism. If anything, the overriding theme seems to be love. But that’s just my take.
Please don’t use such a broad brush when you paint. And please, for the love of money, don’t insinuate that I would be stupid enough or naive enough to belong to an organization that preaches it is OK to hate my fellow man.
@Ben Johnson
The “individuals” versus the “church” argument is tired. The church is the members, much more so even than churches without a lay ministry. It’s not a mistake to generalize based on members.
If you prefer to regard the church as “just what’s in general conference”, more power to you. People are still excluded based on standard doctrines. They can’t attend family weddings without paying tithing and complying fully. They can’t be themselves and still be upstanding folks. It’s a religion of exclusivity, period. It excludes people who are different, whether you define it in terms of conference talks or people.
Jesus defined it in terms of people, I think.
I have not been LDS now for longer than I ever was, though I have grown up and continue to live in Utah County. Whether it is taught or not, it is felt through the actions of the people that live in this valley. Actions speak louder than words. The teachings of the church are that they are the only true church.There is absolutely an attitude here of “how can you choose to not believe in this only true way?!?!”. That is called judgement. Judging somebody else because they are not living the way you do is JUDGEMENT! The person passing the judgement is doing so by assuming that the other person cannot possibly be living the “one truth” bc they are choosing to not be Mormon. There is NO JUGDMENT IN LOVE. The very principle of unconditional Christ-like love leaves no room for judgment bc you cannot judge somebody when you are experiencing unconditonal love. By judging, you are taken out of the realm of unconditionl Christ-like love to possibly conditional love at best to possibly condemnation or even hatred at worst. I know enough about the Mormon church to know that at its core it does preach unconditional love bc it preaches to live as Jesus did. I know a few very loving accepting Mormons so I realize that the actions of some people does not mean that all Mormons act that way. However the last time my kids went to church, I asked them what they learned. All they got out of the 3 hrs of church was, “Don’t smoke and don’t drink alcohol because it is bad.” They didn’t hear ANYTHING abut how they should love people, even if they do smoke or drink. Fortunately I have already taught my children to love everyone as they love God. And fortunately, I have very wise children that have been taught to think for themselves. So my son says, “But Mom. I know that Diet Coke is just as bad for you.” (And any of you Mormons that don’t believe that do some research on the health BENEFITS of a glass of red wine or green tea and then see if you can find ANY benefits on aspartame, which is actually catagorized as biological warfare it is so toxic, or artificial colors/ flavors.
This is another subject than the gay or trans-gender/ sexual, but it comes back to the same issue. Anybody who does not practice this one way is judged around these parts and when you are on the other side of the judgement it does not feel like love. And it definitley does not feel like Christ like energy. So whether it is taught or not, it is experienced. Kudos to you if you refrain from judging yourself and treat everybody with love and kindness. That is something that we all need to embody. I am only speaking from my personal experience of how it feel to CHOOSE to be non-Mormon in a predominately Mormon society. Maybe the lesson every Sunday needs to be on unconditional love. I would consider allowing my children to go if I knew that was going to be the lesson.
Dear Cotton Floozy, Marie. You have written a most wonderful, wonderful post. You are spot on with everything. My only issue is that you are not utterly offended by our history. The 130 year bigoted racial supremacist policy which was never a prophecy, and never came from God, absolutely was true hate through and through. If you are not Black you will never understand the hate that the LDS Church is still felt in the community. I live in Akron, which is half Black, and our Wards here are comprised of less than half of one percent Black. We should have 100 Blacks in Sacrament and we have 1 or 2, sometimes none. The hate is still be preached, because this has not been, repudiated, renounced, and rejected as a bigoted mistake.
When it comes to LGBT people, the Church preaches exclusion through and through. Any otherization, any alienation, any exclusivity, is bigotry. The so called, “not acting on it” is utterly absurd, and those who can’t see that are MSDS Mormons (I refuse to use TBM)…My Stuff Don’t Stink. The Church preaches that LGBT people are inferior, and unworthy to enjoy companionship, love and commitment. There is nothing more heinously bigoted than that. Asking LGBT to live a guileful, fake human being life is a sin. Anyone who lives a lie, is a fake human being, and chooses to “act on” guile, they out their salvation in jeopardy. How dare anyone, let alone a Church, try to force anyone to jeopardize their own salvation.
I know all too well about Church bullies. My 14 year old sister came out as Lesbian, 21 years ago, and she became a victim of bullicide. Her note called out the Church, and LDS youth. My brother is Transgender, and no longer can stand to go to Church. My Mom was bullied all her life at Church. Her journals tear my heart out, as her whole life reveals to me, as she stroked out on Easter Sunday in Sacrament.
The Proclamation on the Family is a tool of affirmation and an example of what is good. But Bigots use it as a tool of Homophobia and Transphobia, by insinuating it is full of “thou shalt not’s”. How dare they! Shame on them. Ignorance of the effects of ones causes that amount to bigotry, does not absolve one of being a bigot. The Church may not be full of malevolent bigots, but the holocaustic genocide perpetrated by the ignorant bigots have the same hell to pay. The GA is guilty of preaching hate by allowing this exclusivity to go on for far too long, even if it is only one holdout veto vote.
However, I stay, because I believe the Plan of Happiness is one for all people Inclusively. I believe the Primary song, “Jesus said love everyone….and be kind too”. Inclusivity is my Prime Directive, and faith, hope, charity, love, empathy, equality and justice, are my core values. It is my solemn belief that we are upon a paradigm shift, where we will soon see many Proclamations that will blow 1978 away. I do not wish for a schism.
My name is Leah, and I am a Transsexual devout Mormon Woman. I have known about being a female since 4. I received personal revelation in the Celestial Room, my spirit gender is female. The Proc says gender is eternal and divine, not sex. Sex is between your legs, gender is between your ears. There are 7.1 Billion genders, all unique, and no one has a right to discern them but the individual…that’s why it is called “I”dentity, not “U”dentity. Three siblings from a devout Mormon home all knowing at 3 or 4, is no choice. Being a bigot is a choice.
I am sorry for your hurt feelings. Although there did seems to be a drop of venom in the writing, I remember the anger I felt when someone was mean to my Asperger’s son. (at school, not at church)
I do think it is a good reminder to be kind to people.
Terrific post. It’s also discussed and commented on here: http://mainstreetplaza.com/2013/03/08/mormon-trolls-gorgons-and-orcs-and-being-tired-of-good-people/
“‘Why haven’t you been baptized?’ the kids asked her. ‘Don’t you know that you will go to hell unless you get baptized?’”
This is not the Church, it is idiots in the Church, but that still doesn’t make it right. Sad and inexcusable that people act this way.
Although some good points are brought up in the post, I am concerned about the tone of approval for the transgender friend. My understanding is that people who have undergone voluntary sexual reassignment may be baptized but may not receive the priesthood or a temple recommend. Bishops (and everyone, really) should be kind, but in this case I don’t think that kindness should be considered approval.
As a church, do we need to to be better about being kind to others? Certainly. When we teach children about the reasons for baptism, maybe we also need to teach them to be kind to those who aren’t baptized. Certainly the old adage about attracting more flies with honey than vinegar would apply.
Let’s all be kinder to everyone. Let’s worry more about our own problems than focusing on someone else’s. That being said, I still want to teach my child that voluntary sexual reassignment is wrong, but that doesn’t give us a right to be unkind to those who have done it.