My wife and I are expecting our third child. Big deal, right? A healthy Mormon couple in their thirties are having kid #3. If anything you are probably wondering why this is ONLY our third. I’ll tell you why this baby is a bit out of the ordinary. When she is born there will be an almost eight year gap between her and her brother. Eight years! It will be close to a 10 year gap between my oldest child and the youngest.
Now, I realize this isn’t really all that earth shattering. Big age gap…big deal. What’s more interesting to me about the whole situation is the question we get when people find out we are pregnant. People will look at my wife’s big belly and say, “Congratulations! I’m so excited for you!” Then, after looking at our kids and doing the mental math, they’ll quietly ask, “Was this planned?”
I always laugh when we get asked this. I’m more amused than offended. Do you realize what you are asking? You are asking me to admit that my child is a mistake, unplanned, unwanted. Every time you saw my child after that you would think to yourself “there goes the mistake kid…” You are asking for information I wouldn’t even share with the child herself.
Like I said, when this happens this doesn’t really offend me. Rather, it makes me wonder what it is about Mormon culture that is conducive to questions like this? It’s along the same lines of people asking couples when they are going to have their first, second, third, etc. baby. For some reason questions about reproduction are fair game.
Once again I’d like to turn to my out of state brothers and sisters for an answer. Is this a Utah thing or a Mormon thing? Here’s my theory: since our church is very focused on the family and since we are all ‘brothers and sisters’ people don’t have qualms about inquiring about this sort of thing. In any event, I welcome your insights on the matter. Oh, by the way, we did plan this one.
its a mormon thing. i have often wondered about this myself. its not just the family planning thing, mormons are just nosy. i think if its said with the “right spirit”, they do think anything is fair game. i am rarely offended anymore and like you, find it amusing.
I think Mormons in general have a hard time respecting boundaries. And if someone gets angry at having his/her boundaries violated, that person is immediately told not to be offended because “so-and-so had good intentions,” or “their heart was in the right place.” So not only were the individual’s boundaries violated, but also his/her feelings were discounted, too.
Questioning people about their reproductive decision isn’t exclusive to Utah or Mormons, though the motivations may be different. When I was pregnant with my 3rd child, I had so many friends and co-workers (in Colorado) ask me if it was on purpose. It was much worse when I got pregnant with my 4th! They were astounded when I told them that, yes indeed, each of our children was planned and wanted. Even now I am usually introduced to new people with a tone of astonishment – “This is Tara. She has FOUR children!”
I agree with Tara, it’s a “people” thing.
I live outside of Utah and have 1 daughter. before she even turned 1 I had member friends and non-member friends alike ask me when I would have the next one, why I wasn’t pregnant yet, etc. etc.
It’s a people thing. I would almost say I’ve experienced worse outside of Utah (in Ohio). And don’t even get me started about the comments I’ve heard from people about my pregnant body.
I think it’s a cultural thing to be so involved in other’s lives. It’s unfortunate that people don’t think before they speak. So often the first thought that comes to mind isn’t the one you should actually say.
People still have issues with not asking “Are you expecting again?” “Are you pregnant?” Do they live under a rock? When is it ever OK to ask a women if they are pregnant!?
As for your particular situation, I think laughing about their question is the best answer. Turn the tables on the questioner.
It’s a Utah Mormon thing
I don’t live in Utah. When people meet people having a child after a big gap it is always assumed it is an oops situation. No questions asked. That is awkward too.