I do.
You say those words and then you plan to be married for the rest of your life. But at least %50 percent of the time that isn’t the case. You wind up divorced, back on the market with a couple of kids you have to care for.
Now what?
Are you alone?
Single yes. But not alone.
Learn from 4 women in different situations about what its like to be a single mom and be in the church..and how you can help.
We’ll be saving a seat for you on the back row of The Cultural Hall.
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Agreed, I feel a need for a sense of belonging and a proper family unit, but I don’t “need” a man. I applaud all these women – they are all obviously so mature and with-it. This is the most comforting hour I’ve ever spent listening to anything ever. There aren’t a lot of single and strong Mormon Mom’s where I live. This really helped me feel less alone.
I was also very pleased with their stories: 5-10 years single and in their mid to late thirties… that’s ME too! I’ve had the same experiences with dating – there just aren’t a lot of quality single men our age. Honesty has been THE biggest dating issue for me too and I too have been fooled by the “want to come over and watch a movie” line.
I’ve dated only one Mormon man in 10 years… but I can’t say that all non-Mormon men are respectful of boundaries or nicer. Your guest alluded to how single men in the mid thirties seem to think you’re a good catch, but with their ego boosts try to find someone prettier. I too won’t put up with any man who doesn’t meet my standards of how I expect to be treated any more… I’d rather be single. And so the search continues!
Going to church as a single Mom IS difficult – the lessons about families are hard. I too think going to Church makes me feel better, but sometimes I come home crying too.
I’m curious if the contents of this episode surprised anyone. I hope people who are not single recognize the choices of words these ladies used. Love yourself, which is comforting, is different than the message that always comes from the Church about “being the best you that you can be,” which is mildly insulting.
Thank you so much Richie and Ashley. I’m not sure what else I would care to add. Single and Happy in Ohio – Melissa
I’m sorry I have to comment on this podcast cause I have to be honest, it really made me angry. Here is what I took from this podcast. That lds “boys” as they call them are just out to feel up single women and that we are so sexually repressed that it’s all we can do to not pounce on them. There was a lot of groos generalization about men and about lds men. It seems to me that these women have had such bad experiences with their husbands that they think all guys are exactly the same and that is ridiculous! There are some guys out there that would treat you with nothing but the upmost respect and understanding. I’m sorry your marriages failed really I am but it seems like you are LOOKING for faults in every guy you date and because the husbands screwed up so bad the bar is now SOOOOOO high that there is no way any man could reach that. Sorry if I offended anyone but thats what I heard in this podcast.
Brother Ogden,
I’m sorry our stories made you angry. That was certainly not our intention.
However, when you have 3 women telling the same experiences/stories, I don’t think you can call it a gross generalization.
I have only dated one Mormon guy, so my story was different, and I am not opposed to dating one, I just have yet to find one that will accept me for my past indiscretions. I have tattoos, and I have a daughter out of wedlock, therefore, I’m not what the average Mormon guy is looking for in a wife. I think that if Mormon guys would expand their thoughts/horizons/ideas on women, they would be pleasantly surprised. My bar has never been high (just ask my mom) & I think it is the other way around.
I am single again since this podcast was taped, and I am more then willing to date a Mormon guy and experience all the things you say, but I don’t know how realistic that wish actually is.
We did this podcast to express what it is like to be a Mormon single mom, doing things by yourself, longing to find a mate again (or in my case the first one), not to bash on men.
To Br. Ogden,…….. It is true that there are many unfortunate males out there who also through divorce have become childish and disrespectful of women because they themselves went through a bad or difficult divorce. Divorce can be a wonderful thing when it is done amicably and parents are truly all about what is best for the children involved and putting themselves away from evil, low and hurtful years of fights that aren’t even fights any more. I am a single mother 2 married 1 left at home, yes it is hard and scary and sometimes just nauciously sad, to walk into a church where a dance is held and the majority of lds man are staring you down as if you are the new catch of the day. Maybe a cow market would describe it better,..are the utters firm, the rump in proportions etc etc,… HOWEVER,… with tht same token, there are nice man out there as you said,… maybe not in our particular flavors,…… or not having the looks we want either, or far older then our age,..and so reality sets in THAT if one must be married one may need to take this desire far more to the Lord then what MOST are willing to put in. I am happily single, and yet desirous to me married to as many as us sisters refer to,… a nice man, a Priesthood holder, a man who loves us for our hearts and brains and not the physical implications we so often see in this ealm of church members. Many single sisters are weary tired of doing it all by themselves and hungry for unconditional love. I suggest to those sisters as well as brothers, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. The Saviour is ultimately the ONLY ONE who loves us unconditionally and we can’t put our sites so high as Br. Ogden said, that we forget that MAN are good, they too long for just such a love as we do,…but without loving ones self first we are not ready to endevor in a new relationship. Set up goals and limitations, of what you can or will or will not do to yourselves as you are expecting a male or female date to do or have. Set boundries, be frank, be who you are the 99% of your day and not some one you are not. be kind to yourselves as well as others,…make friends and if you find that true friend,…see if that person could be that possibility. Enjoy yourselves but within the bounds the Lord has set,…listen to one another, be open in your communications but don’t be a nag or a total jerk to get that picture perfect ideal of a mate THAT in ALL REALITY does NOT exist. Find some one who is equaly JOKED, and if you don’t know what that is go talk to your Bishop and look it up in the dictionary,…. desire the best but work hard to be that best yourselves first,…. I LOVE man, I think they provide an essential part in this relationship factor within our church beliefs but also just as a normal couple. Man can be awesome as can we women,..but if you feel that there is no one out there for you,..then go and be happy with your family, your friends and most of all YOURSELF,…. Gos still gives you plenty of blessings and HIS love surrouns you always,learn to see it and feling it and then give that same love away to tohers who may need your services within or outside of our church communities and families,…”when you lose yourself, YOU find yourself” Serve the Savior, by serving the least of those,… and your blessings will come surely as much and as strong and as secure as any love will be within the marriage circle. Our savior loves ALL of US be it if we are good, or bad, strong or weak, lonely or lonesome, happy or sad,…there is TO MUCH beauty out there to compile all those negative thoughts simply on just the single man or single women out there who may not fit your particular bill, but surely firt the Savior
To add to:Br. Ogden,…….. It is true that there are many unfortunate males out there who also through divorce have become childish and disrespectful of women because they themselves went through a bad or difficult divorce. Divorce can be a wonderful thing when it is done amicably and parents are truly all about what is best for the children involved and putting themselves away from evil, low and hurtful years of fights that aren’t even fights any more. I am a single mother 2 married 1 left at home, yes it is hard and scary and sometimes just nauseously sad, to walk into a church where a dance is held and the majority of lds man are staring you down as if you are the new catch of the day. Maybe a cow market would describe it better,. are the utters firm, the rump in proportions etc etc,… HOWEVER,… with that same token, there are nice man out there as you said,… maybe not in our particular flavors,…… or not having the looks we want either, or far older then our age,. and so reality sets in THAT if one must be married one may need to take this desire far more to the Lord then what MOST are willing to put in. I am happily single, and yet desirous to me married to as many as us sisters refer to,… a nice man, a Priesthood holder, a man who loves us for our hearts and brains and not the physical implications we so often see in this realm of church members. Many single sisters are weary tired of doing it all by themselves and hungry for unconditional love. I suggest to those sisters as well as brothers, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. The Savior is ultimately the ONLY ONE who loves us unconditionally and we can’t put our sites so high as Br. Ogden said, that we forget that MAN are good, they too long for just such a love as we do,…but without loving ones self first we are not ready to endeavor in a new relationship. Set up goals and limitations, of what you can or will or will not do to yourselves as you are expecting a male or female date to do or have. Set boundaries, be frank, be who you are the 99% of your day and not some one you are not. be kind to yourselves as well as others,…make friends and if you find that true friend,…see if that person could be that possibility. Enjoy yourselves but within the bounds the Lord has set,…listen to one another, be open in your communications but don’t be a nag or a total jerk to get that picture perfect ideal of a mate THAT in ALL REALITY does NOT exist. Find some one who is equally JOKED, and if you don’t know what that is go talk to your Bishop and look it up in the dictionary,…. desire the best but work hard to be that best yourselves first,…. I LOVE man, I think they provide an essential part in this relationship factor within our church beliefs but also just as a normal couple. Man can be awesome as can we women,. but if you feel that there is no one out there for you,. then go and be happy with your family, your friends and most of all YOURSELF,…. God still gives you plenty of blessings and HIS love surrounds you always, learn to see it and feeling it and then give that same love away to others who may need your services within or outside of our church communities and families,…”when you lose yourself, YOU find yourself” Serve the Savior, by serving the least of those,… and your blessings will come surely as much and as strong and as secure as any love will be within the marriage circle. Our savior loves ALL of US be it if we are good, or bad, strong or weak, lonely or lonesome, happy or sad,…there is TO MUCH beauty out there to compile all those negative thoughts simply on just the single man or single women out there who may not fit your particular bill, but surely fit the Savior’s.
As somebody who spent years of adolescence with a single mother (due to death, not divorce) I commend the topic of this episode. The gospel’s centrality of the family can make the unjust loss of the ideal all the more painful.
It’s heartening to hear of faithful women who are working overtime to provide and nurture their families. I really give it up for you all!
That being said, I did feel there were two things that kind of made my skin crawl:
1) The guests continually returning to worldly qualifications for a mate.
I feel like a huge portion of the issues in marriages these days is that we try to combine the Lord’s way with the world’s, so we get this Joseph Smith meets Prince Charming With Bulging Abs sort of prototype. I’m not saying I can judge that this is what the guests truly hold, but there were many instances of it all coming back to physical attraction and meeting more worldly criteria.
2) Dismissal of most eligible bachelors as sex-crazed, immature, and dishonest.
First, if you’re going to look in the shallow end, don’t be surprised to find a lot of underdeveloped people. And, I understand it’s usually one of only a few options, but looking for an honest guy on dating websites is like looking for a liberal at a NASCAR event. Maybe that self-selecting pool of men from which you all find dates is the problem, not the general populace.
I’m not sure which one said it but she made the comment that the kids come first. I’ve talked to divorced guys who have said that there is nothing worse than dating a woman who puts the kids before him. I think he was trying to say that no matter what, the kids come first which doesn’t seem right either. I realize it’s a balancing issue and this topic alone could cover a couple podcasts. I’d be interested in what these ladies think.
I’d also be interested if you’d do a follow-up to this episode about how to date and marry single moms. I’m getting married to a single mom in June (which includes becoming an insta-dad of 2 great kids) and even though I’ve made a lot of mistakes during the courtship, she’s still willing to have me. I just think it’d be cool if you do something to help other guys be aware of the additional factors that come from dating single moms such as: why you can’t pick her up at her house on the first date, kids, when to meet the kids, who comes first (kids or me?), trust issues, how to deal with the ex, and I’m sure there’s 100 more things that I don’t even know about yet.
Thanks for letting me listen. Convert since this episode.
Wow I sparked a few flames didn’t I? Well thanks for all the comments I really enjoyed reading them but I still stand by what I said those women came off as bitter men haters. Maybe that wasn’t what they were going for but that’s what I heard. @BrotherOgden
Perhaps, sir, you are simply deaf.
It’s funny how men who are rejected by women make it seem like it’s the women who are at fault or crazy. It could possibly be that the men just don’t live up to the woman’s standards and that she’d rather be single than deal with someone below her standards. This doesn’t make her a bitter man hater. LOL! These women, myself included, told the truth of their EXPERIENCES. I promise you, every one of us single Mom’s wish we could find a man up to our standards, but they’re ARE HARD TO FIND, period. When it comes to looks they do matter… but every woman has her own tastes. My girlfriend married a man I thought wasn’t cute at all, but she thinks he’s a dream. I’m sure every single mom is very realistic about what to expect as far as a man’s looks and what priority to make looks. Personally I wouldn’t be interested in a fat man, not because he doesn’t have rock solid abs, I don’t care about that, but because his lifestyle won’t match mine and he doesn’t take care of himself. I am looking for a man who has the Priesthood and all these women said so too- that is saying ALOT about what priorities they are looking for. Truth is comments like Brother Odgen’s just seem to prove how insensitive and ignorant men can be. Brother Ogden, I love you as a sister anyways, I just wouldn’t want to date you. 🙂 Your comments prove our point. Ironic huh?
I also got a strong negative vibe from the generalization that ALL non-LDS men are nicer, kinder, gentler, more honest and, seemingly better than ALL of the LDS men out there. There are good men on both sides of that line and there are jerks on both sides, as well.
I’m sorry that you’ve had a few negative experiences, but that kind of generalization is unfair and, frankly, untrue.
It was not meant to be a man bash and while we were talking it never felt like one either. There was one lady who said she would only date members. I said I would rather date non-members because in three yrs I haven’t had much success with LDS men. I also clarified my statement about LDS men to be central to Utah, there is a difference in this state. Luke you are right in saying there are good men on both sides and the opposite is true for women as well. Jason I think your ideas for another show are great. Dating a single mom or dad comes with a different set of issues I would love to hear how others make it work. Gdub you made a good point about dating websites, I agree dating sites are not the best place to met people but I truly don’t know where else to meet men. Do you have some suggestions? I am not able to attend singles wards or the firesides (as they are in the evening when I am putting kids to bed). It is something I have struggled with, where is the best place to meet men.
All this input has been interesting to read. I apologize to those we offended as it was not our intention. We went in with the intention to describe what is was like to be a single LDS mom. Dating is a part of being single but so is figuring out to deal with ward families and balancing work, religion and family. It would be interesting to hear the perspective of single fathers. Thanks for listening and for your input.
Claudine, have you talked to your home teachers to help babysit to let you out? I wonder if there’s some sort of support network members could provide to help people in your situation. My fiance was lucky because she was living with her parents and had babysitters available whenever she needed it. I owe them big time because of their willing to watch her kids. I think it would be great if there was something the members could do to help you at least get out and have opportunities to meet some one.
The church does volunteer cannery assignments. Maybe they can start either a volunteer babysitting program or a fund for babysitters. Who do you even suggest stuff like this to?
I’m a Temple-marriage divorcee (no kids, though).
The first years following my divorce were of the most challenging I’ve ever experienced. I waged an inner battle replete with grueling soul searches. When I finally reclaimed my center I was at once saddened and relieved that it was not, in fact, within the LDS faith.
Leaving the religion brought a shedding of layers upon layers of struggle. . .things I didn’t even realize I was processing internally.
And with that, it brought a level of happiness I had never before imagined! Surely, I should be miserable (Alma 41:10!). But, miraculously, I am not. What a gift that is.
I am, simply, so grateful that my life took the course it did. Even though it was challenging. I am happier now than I ever have been; getting my PhD & married to an amazing non-LDS man who supports and loves me better than any religious companion I’d ever dated/married.
I feel safe, happy, and content. The world is beautiful.
And, even though I no longer self-identify as a Mormon, I do enjoy this podcast. Very interesting topics!
I just found this and I loved it, thank you. Did you ever do one with single dads like you mentioned?