I walk into Starbucks (for hot chocolate, of course). The scent of coffee wafts at my nose in gentle, sweet waves, and I think maybe if I breathe it in deep enough, I’ll actually taste it.

And then the words just sort of squeeze their way out of my mouth as I exhale. It’s habitual. Even if I zip my lips, the words float through my head like those sky banners: “I would be a coffee drinker…if I weren’t Mormon.”

If I had a dollar for every time I have thought/spoken those words…I would probably have just the right amount to purchase a daily latte.

But it doesn’t stop there. That sneaky little phrase bubbles up in my brain every time I contemplate the advantages of some sort of forbidden fruit. The sleeveless dresses, the beach on Sundays, rum cake, wine tasting parties, these little vodka chocolates I accidentally tasted in Israel…the list goes on. “I would wear that,” “I would eat that,” “I would do that,” all followed by that same old standard “if” clause.

I suppose if I added up all the items, the non-Mormon Catie would be a chic, coffee connoisseur/alcoholic with a spicy vocabulary.

But would she?

Truth be told, I don’t really know what Catie would be like or what she would do if she weren’t Mormon.

It’s much easier to say what I wouldn’t do if I weren’t Mormon.

I wouldn’t be mean. I wouldn’t smoke. (I hate the smell. I hate what it does to a person’s breath, and to be honest, lung cancer scares me to death). I wouldn’t do drug I really don’t think I would do anything crazy like commit grand theft auto, and I wouldn’t sleep around with strangers.

But what would I do? How would I think? How would I act? Who would I be?

It’s hard for me to say just how much being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has directed my life’s decisions, but it seems like the predominant factor. After all, here I am in Utah, I just graduated from BYU, I’ve never dated a boy who wasn’t Mormon, and most of my closest friendships have been fostered through some sort of Church program. These are crucial elements in my life, and they are all connected with the Church in one way or another. Where would I be, who would my friends be, and who would I date if I weren’t Mormon? I honestly don’t know.

Would I be a good person? I think so.

Would I be the same person? Of course not. To what extent I’d be different remains a mystery.

I guess I might as well change that clause from “if I weren’t Mormon” to “if I weren’t Catie.”

How about you? In what ways has being Mormon affected your life? Or, if you’re not Mormon, how different do you think you’d be if you were?