Brothers and Sisters, today I’m going to share something very personal with you. In fact, I hardly even speak of it, to say nothing of putting it online.
I don’t talk to my mom.
Big deal, right? Actually, yes. For someone who primarily identifies with being a mother, even a mother to daughters, this is a huge deal. My reasons for choosing to not have my mom be a part of my life are personal, but they include a desire to stop patterns of harmful behavior, as well as keeping myself, and my children, emotionally safe.
One reason I don’t talk about this very much is because it’s embarrassing, even a little humiliating. Unfortunately, there are people who know just a little about the situation, but not a lot and so they make assumptions, both as to what caused the rift between us (“Oh, I’m sure whatever happened couldn’t be that bad,” as if it were one solitary event which would lead to such a decision on my part), and how to fix it (“Certainly you could forgive her – she’s your mother, she did the best she could.”). To smile and thank them for their concern has been an exercise in swallowing my pride; if I were interested in perpetuating drama, I could give these helpful people details . . . but I don’t.
The fact that she is, physically, thousands of miles away from me might make it easier. I don’t have the worry that I’ll run into her at the store. But when it comes to traveling far distances for family events, I have to weigh the benefits and handicaps of what it would mean to share space with family members, including my mom.
The reason I bring this up at all here in The Cultural Hall is because certain aspects of this situation have caused a wrestle within me: is it possible to distance myself from my mom and still obey the commandment to “Honour [my] father and [my] mother: that [my] days may be long upon the land which the LORD [my] God giveth [me]”? General rule-follower and pleaser that I am, I feel that I’ve looked and longed and striven to choose the right, maybe especially when a promise of my days being long upon the land is involved. The truth is, I feel like I am honoring my parents by doing what I’m doing; honoring them isn’t synonymous with putting myself in a situation where I could be manipulated or belittled or disrespected. By choosing what’s right for myself and for my family (me, my husband, and our kids), even if that includes not associating with my own parents right now, is it possible that I’m honoring them?
Not only doctrinally, but culturally, Love Your Mother is everywhere; just take a look at General Conference talks. Or Pinterest. Only half of me can get on board with the, “No one loves you like your mother loves you” –mentality, and it’s the half of me that is a mother, because that’s how I feel about my children, with whom (though they are young), I have healthy relationships (certainly more healthy than I had with my own mom when I was their age[s]). But the daughter part of me feels like a failure when I read, “Home is where your mother is,” because it makes me sick to think about. And then the fact that I get ill makes it worse.
This is a lonely place to be, but I can’t deny that it’s the right thing for me, at least for now. Will I open up communication with her again? I hope so; I hope I can get myself in a place where it’s possible and even enjoyable. But for right now, every lesson, every song, every mention of mothers is bittersweet for me.
The Lord does not expect you to place yourself in a situation that would be abusive. Your duty right now is to your children and if not having your mother in their lives is the right choice for them, then you shouldn’t feel guilty. It sounds like you love her, despite what has happened in the past. Keep your head held high because you have a great mother who is silently watching over you.
I didn’t really have my father in my life so it was hard to connect to my Heavenly Father. When I did, it was amazing the love I knew he had for me. It wasn’t really until my husband became a dad that I could make that connection within myself. Know that your Heavenly Mother feels even more for you than you do for your own children (I know that seems impossible). I hope you can reconcile with your mother but wait to do it until it wouldn’t be detrimental to your children.
I don’t speak to my father, and he was a huge part of my life. But my reasons are the same as yours: it’s an emotionally unstable situation that I can’t put my children in. Unfortunately, I live 20 minutes away from the man and he works right in my town. It’s very uncomfortable and.
The worst part, though, is that people constantly ask me about him. It can be difficult to talk about him without being negative and I don’t want to bad mouth him. But I also want people to know that I don’t want to talk about him. It’s basically a mess.
My point here is to help you and me understand that we are to take of ourselves first, then everyone else. If familial relationships are dangerous or harmful, it’s ok to take care of yourself and avoid that relationship.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you for sharing this. I am in a very similar situation and it’s nice to know there are others who can relate. It’s not easy, but as you do, I feel at this point in life it’s necessary. I feel your plight and I understand.