Dear Mormon Sex Girls,

I first want to say that I am so grateful that I came across your website and the great advice you have to give. It has just really helped with my whole thought-process and development regarding my own sexuality.

That being said, I have had this one struggle for a while now that I still haven’t been able to overcome. It’s going to seem really ridiculous, but it has to do with kissing. My first kiss… well, I will be honest and tell you that it was terrible. The guy pretty much disregarded my comfort and went for a french kiss and I basically felt assaulted it was very physically invasive. My body somewhat reacted to it despite the fact, but it was still horrible and mentally I’ve been upset by it ever since. The fact that I sexually reacted to it makes me feel even worse sometimes, because it wasn’t actually enjoyable.

And this is going to be even more embarrassing to confess, but this first kiss was when I was 18. I don’t date much. I didn’t date at all in high school. As a teenage girl, I wanted to, but I was never asked out and I was too shy to interact with guys all that much. So, this guy wanting to kiss me after being the wallflower in high school was what excited me the most, but the whole experience after that was terrible.

I haven’t dated much since then, and only kissed one guy since, but that was also not great. Not as bad as my first experience, obviously, and I tried to enjoy it but it just didn’t happen. I keep flashing back to my first time, and it just ruins everything from being comfortable with my sexuality and wanting to be intimate with a boyfriend/future husband (whether it be sexual or not). I keep telling myself that my decision to not kiss until I’m sure of my feelings has nothing to do with this struggle, but it actually has a lot to do with it, and I’m afraid I will never be sure of my feelings just because of this traumatizing first kiss. I’m also afraid that there will be no point in which I actually enjoy kissing, that I will always be grossed out and uncomfortable, which would certainly be bad for any future relationship.

I’m now a single, 25 year old who feels more than a little hopeless. Any advice?

Sincerely,

First Kiss Trauma Girl

Dear First Kiss Trauma Girl,

First of all, we’re so glad you found us and have found our prior advice helpful!  Sexuality is so dynamic and complex and we’re finding the more we talk about it and have real conversations people are starting to feel more and more confident in their OWN sexuality.

We most often associate trauma with war, violence, abuse, and car accidents, but it also happens with everyday events that are unpredictable, highly distressing and can entirely overwhelm the individual senses.  To read more about trauma, visit this link. However, trauma is in the eye of the beholder.  Only you get to define how distressful the event was for you. What qualifies as a “traumatic event” has a much broader definition because it is so subjective.

With that in mind, a first kiss is often seen as a really important developmental milestone and rite of passage for kids growing up.   Most of us dream about what our first kiss will be like and there is certainly no lack of images provided by the media as to how it “should” go.  You probably had an idea of what you hoped your kiss would be like — romantic, soft, tender, closed mouth or open and at a minimum, mutually respectful.  Distress happens when something unpredictable occurs and our senses get overwhelmed and don’t know what to do the information — which is a really simplistic way of describing your experience.  Our bodies and brains like to have a sense of homeostasis and calm and will do whatever they need to protect us from experiencing and/or reliving a prior traumatic event.  So hopefully that gives you context for what you have experienced. In other words, way outside someone’s experience and/or expectations = traumatic event.

But it also sounds like you are potentially ready to explore and heal what happened so you can be well on your way to a new experience in a relationship in which you can share yourself. We have a few suggestions below but this is definitely  not an exhaustive list:

1)  In Earl Henslin’s book, This is Your Brain in Love he describes the anxious brain surrounding love and sexual trauma and recommends taking a supplement with GABA in it.  GABA helps regulates the nervous system.

2)  Consider doing some intentional memory rewiring, in which you are deliberately recalling the bad memories and overlaying it with a good memory.  For example, you might recall that traumatic first kiss — trying to include any sensory memories such as sounds and smells.  Then as clear and vividly as possible, create a new memory of the kiss you would like, how you see yourself responding, how he is treating you and write a new, happier ending.  You may even picture yourself in a scenario where you stop kissing if it’s not working out and stand up for yourself.  Over time, your brain will start to recall the happy ending when you think about the traumatic scenario.

3) Creating positive affirmations such as, “I am strong capable and competent and of worth.” or “I’m deserving of a good relationship with someone who loves and respects me” can also be helpful. With enough “thought” practice, you’re brain will start to believe you.

4) We also recommend a book called the PTSD Workbook which has proven helpful to many.

Doing these things are like an olympian training for the big event.  By you recalling the event, creating a new experience and sense of control, you are preparing yourself for a time when you choose to kiss someone again.  Although you will most likely still experience a bit of anxiety, you will have been preparing yourself and will be in a much better position to confidently calm yourself and be in control.  As always, a counselor can gently guide you through this process as well if you feel like you need a bit more support.  You have every reason to have hope and confidence that you can overcome your anxiety as well as experience intimacy in a safe and exciting way!

xo-The Sex Girls

Kristin and Alisha

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Send us your questions and we’ll give you answers.  You maintain complete confidentiality so your identity is safe with us.  You can find us at realintimacybook.com, thehealinggroup.com, facebook/askthesexgirls or email: askthesexgirls@gmail.com

Wondering who we are? Our names are Kristin and Alisha and we are known as “The Sex Girls.”  We are Co-Authors newly published book, “Real Intimacy: A Couple’sGuide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality” and working on our second book, “YES! You can talk to your kids about sex.” Kristin is a Sex Therapist and Alisha is a Sex and Intimacy Coach.  The best part about what we do is we are sisters, and not just sisters in the gospel, but literal sisters.  Our goal and mission is to start having real conversations about sex and intimacy in our culture so we can have healthier and happier relationships.  Intimacy is a part of that.  We accomplish this in a variety of ways through workshops, therapy, coaching, radio and television but we also answer real questions from real people who feel stuck or wondering.