D.T.R (noun)

Literal Translation: Define The Relationship

Origins: Unknown (Though we suspect it came from Provo)

1. A tactic employed by Mormon women in order to force a man to admit his level of commitment to their romantic relationship.

2. A successful device for frightening off potential romantic partners.

In the world of Mormon dating, a DTR might be likened unto attempting to take the temperature of a romantic relationship…..rectally. Nothing quite has the ability to strike fear into the hearts of unassuming young LDS boys, then does a women asking him where their relationship currently stands, and where he sees it going. From his perspective things were going great; you were dating, getting to know one another, and he was starting to think that this might turn into something…eventually. But now he is forced to face the firing squad in the form of a DTR. He must be very careful about the way he answers this question. If he attempts to appease you and thereby gives you too much, you will then have ample ammunition to return with later when things don’t work out.

“But YOU said you saw a future for us!!”

And to be fair….he did. He just didn’t specify how far into the future he was looking at the moment.

Of course, he could always be honest with you and tell you while he has thoroughly enjoyed your interactions thus far, he doesn’t feel like he knows you well enough to make any sort of declaration of commitment. The problem with this approach however, is that he is fairly certain if he says this to you that you will more than likely stab him with a spoon, or worse, cry…a lot.

In truth, however, men do attempt to DTR as well. One theory about DTR’s holds that He (or she) with the upper hand is the one who is going to get DTR’ed. Here is what I think is really going on; I think that when we really like someone we become insecure and as such, require an extra amount of validation from the object of our affections. A guy I once attempted to DTR used the example of pulling up a flower and examining the roots in order to gauge the progress of growth. Essentially, what he was trying to say that if a plant (or a relationship) is growing (or progressing towards something serious), then the evidence of said growth (or progression) will be self-evident. To take it a step further then, if you are having to tare up the plant (or DTR), then you are not only more than likely going to kill the plant (or the relationship), but you sort of already have your answer.

Here is the one exception.

If you have been dating someone for an extended period of time (2 weeks doesn’t count), and you still get the feeling that they are dragging their feet as far as commitment goes…THEN it is appropriate to ask what is going on. But again, realize that if you are having to ask, you more than likely already have your answer.

When people really like one another they want to spend time together. When people like each other a lot, then they want to, and usually will, spend even more time together. If a person is serious about relationships and marriage, and they find someone they really like, then they will show through their actions that their intentions are to keep that person around for as long as possible. So if a person is not behaving in the manner that I just described, then more than likely, it is either because they don’t want to be in a relationship/marriage OR they don’t want to be in a relationship/marriage with you.

And trust me, no DTR is going to change that.