There comes a time in the life of a ‘single’ LDS man where he begins to question his morals. With judgment clouded by the sea of unobtainable ‘pretties’, he finds himself desperately letting go of everything he holds true and applies for an online dating service.

I can hear you chuckling, especially you ‘married men’, but let me tell you it is nothing to chuckle about. Online dating is some serious stuff. I have seen grown men weep at the mere suggestion he join a dating service (mainly because he’s 31 and his Mom wants him out. No one likes to hear this from Mom).

Due to the nature of my work schedule, I myself found the urge to sip from the Internet’s watering hole. Risky at best, was I to find myself nose-to-nose with another beautiful creature drinking from the same pool? Or was I to watch something sinister leap from the water devouring my pride (gory ‘best-of’ National Geographic moments flashing through my skull).

First thing’s first, I need to pick a site. So, how does one pick the best site?

Well it’s not by cost, neither is it by title (they all fail in the creative title field. I’m still waiting for MeetMe@theTemple.com), nor is it by quantity of people joining; it’s the quality of the people joining. This type of site search is known as headhunting (a.k.a.- make up a fake profile just so you can browse the photos).

Once I found a site with the largest collection of beautiful photos- okay, hold on.

Yes, this method is shallow, I know. In my defense and all other men involved in dating sites; it’s all we have to go by. When you’re looking for a car dealership do you go to the dealership that has cars sitting in the lot rusting and leaking oil? The ones with vehicle window stickers that say, ‘Involved in seven wrecks, missing part of its grill, and might blow up on you’. NO! You go to the dealership with sparkling clean cars. Their vehicle stickers read things like, ‘Great mileage, won’t fail on you, good looking bumper’. Well, okay maybe the bumper comment was a bit much but you get the point.

Where was I…?

So I found the perfect site. Making sure not to commit all the way, I join using the ‘free’ option. Immediately I come across an issue, the profile. Crap! I was so busy trying to see how attractive everyone else was, I almost forgot to see how attractive I was!

Now, I’m no Brad Pitt but certainly a far cry from a Steve Buscemi.

First thing on the profile list: the profile checklist. This is where they give you a list of things and you check if you agree or not. Simple enough. Token Single Guy, do not over think this:

I like to read – Well, this is kinda vague. I mean, are we talking am I the ‘smoke a pipe and read the morning paper in a short robe’ kind of guy, or are we talking ‘still in your mom’s basement reading comic books’ guy, or the ‘smarter then everyone else because I read Freud’ guy? Whatever – Check

I like to go to church – Yeah, if I’m not called to the nursery (self-imposed LOL). Oh wait, if I get married, I MIGHT get called to the nursery. Wow, can I make that kind of commitment? Better question, can I remain a virgin forever? – Check

I like to eat pizza – Seriously? Who chose this? I mean, it depends on the toppings. Plus, if I say ‘yes’ does that make them think I’m unhealthy? “Oh hey, this guy eats pizza…I bet all the time. What a heart attack waiting to happen.” Whatever – Check

I want to have kids – Do I want to have kids? Well yeah, but what if she takes that as “Yes, finally a man that wants to help me repopulate the earth (!)”. The ‘repopulating’ part could be fun, sure, but the cost of child support…better leave that as ‘undecided’. But then what if they think I’m not a family man? Crap! – Check (with a shaky finger)

After what feels like forever, I finally finish said ‘checklist’.

Now for the part that no profile is complete without; the pictures. I review the styles, poses, and ‘special effects’ everyone seems to be doing lately. Once I have finished my collection of photos, I review my creations and think:

There is no place in Hell, for men like me…

(To be continued…)

– The Token Single Guy