There’s a disturbance in the force.

Something about tonight is…different.

I look from my overflowing buffet plate to my date sitting across the table from me.

What is it? Did she dye her hair? Maybe she whitened her teeth? Is that a new dress?

Oh crap! What if it’s all thee above?

I lean forward. “You look really good today. With your hair done up, and those awesome white teeth…it all goes really well with that dress.”

Her eyebrow goes up in a what-the-(insert word)-is-up-with-you sort of way.

Dang it, that wasn’t it.

She reaches out her hand and lays it on mine, her smokey eyes weighing heavy on me. With a smile she bites her lower lip giving me the cue to kiss her.

And as I lean in, the reason for the disturbance hits me. What date are we on?

The Break Down:

Let’s see, there was the one at Lagoon…no, no that doesn’t count. That’s how we met; singles ward activity. So then our first date would be that double…no triple…no quadruple couple date at the miniature golf course. Actually there were eight couples there but I have no idea what the numerical phrasing for that is.

That means the second date was going to the fireside. Well, does that really count as a date? Sitting together for two hours getting lectured on what physical things we can’t do to each other, all the while it’s making me think of what I would like to do. Kind of a counter productive fireside if you ask me.

Probably shouldn’t, but I’ll count that as date number two.

Which leads me to this moment of discovery. This is our third date.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Why did I take my date to a buffet? How un-classy is that?Focus people! The issue at hand is the date we’re on. It’s the third freaking date. Do you not understand what’s at stake here?

Well neither do I, and that’s the problem!

You see, I’m not from around here, and when it comes to dating, the Mormon culture ‘around here’ is different then anywhere else.

For example, let’s start with date number one: miniature golfing with 14 of our closest friends.

So Token Single Guy, what’s the problem here?

What’s the problem? I’m 31 years old and trying to woo my future wife in a sea of 22-30 year olds playing putt-putt golf. The last time I did this was High School. Back when it was expected by everyone that you hang in those groups. It was the cool thing to do back then!

Plus I’m 6’6″ and look ridiculous wielding those tiny clubs.

BYU students, I blame you for creating this bizarre culture of identity-less dating. Sheep herding if you will. You run around campus and surrounding towns in these bizarre groups of adults looking for a mate…sorry, soulmate. You try having a meaningful one-on-one conversation with a potential wife when the other’s are calling out to you “Kiss her, kiss her” like those ridiculous hyenas on the Lion King.

It’s enough to make you want to switch over to the U!

Last I checked (and hopefully no new traditions have developed) it’s gonna be just you and her in that bliss we call marriage. That’s probably how you should get started now that you’re not…oh I don’t know…16.

Outside Utah, date number one is the get-to-know-you date. It’s common to be in a place like a coffee house or quieter restaurant. You go somewhere with limited distractions so you can do this amazing mature thing called ‘one-on-one-communication’. It’s amazing how fast you learn about someone during this time.

Moving on…date number 2: the fireside.

This is just embarrassing, our second date is a chastity fireside. Actually I was drug to the fireside by a friend who said, “You should come to this little shin-dig at the church, oh and bring her”.

My first clue should have been the fact that he said ‘shin-dig’. But there we are, boy and girl, grown up sexual tensions thriving between us and we’re listening to a talk on the woes of petting.

Really…petting? Who came up with that term anyway?

Awkward doesn’t even come close to describing this situation. Go ahead, I dare you to ask me if I got a goodnight kiss that night.

In other realms outside Utah County, the second date is a little more adventurous. You’ve learned about them through the magic of communication. Now it’s time to test the waters a bit and do something different, again, not in a large group. For some it’s skiing, others it’s visiting an amusement park, museums, or even a fancier dinner. Some like to test the physical area by getting their snuggle on in a movie. Whatever.

This brings us to this point…date number three.

In the lands beyond the ‘Y’ mountain, date number three is usually the right of passage to the bedroom. Yes, I am referring to sex.

*collective gasp*

Now I’m not saying I’ve entertained this opportunity (I may be a black sheep, but I never left the fold), but at least I knew what was coming and how to politely turn down the offer should it be extended.

Here in Utah…here in Utah County…third date, now what?

Sitting here, her lips extending towards mine, I review everything I’ve learned about the Utah Mormon culture of dating in hopes of finding a solution to my dilemma.

After a few seconds of intense mental download…I get it. I know what is expected among the Mormon culture here in Utah. Third date can only mean one thing…

“Will you marry me?”

-The Token Single(?) Guy