Since I’ve never lived outside of Utah for more than three months, I’m about as Utah Mormon as they come–that is as far as geography. I grew up in one of those cities south of the Mormon curtain (the point of the mountain) that is close to 90 % LDS. Nevertheless one of my best friends and next door neighbors wasn’t a member. “Jamie” came to primary with me. In those days, primary was right after school on Tuesdays, and everyone simply walked from the school to the church house. I didn’t think anything about her coming. She came simply because it was something to do–not because she had any interest in the church. Besides primary was fun back then. And we got these really cool green bandalos to wear with great looking icons glued onto them. She decided that since she came to my church, that the fair thing would be for me to go to hers, and so she invited me. Her church was called the Community Church of Christ, (I think.) I must’ve been around ten.
I really didn’t want to go to her church. It was a scary place with a great big brown cross and enormous windows, and of course I knew it was the wrong church. I wasn’t too worried though because I knew my mom wouldn’t let me go. So I told my mom that Jamie wanted me to go with her to church. My mom surprised me, by telling me that I should go. She said, for years now Jamie has been coming to primary, so it would be nice for me to go with her. She told me that growing up in Montana in a small town there wasn’t an LDS branch, so her family had attended a church similar to Jamie’s.
So the day came. I was scared to death. My mom gave me some money to put in the collection plate and I walked with my friend down the block to the building I’d only peeked into from outside the windows. The chapel looked similar to ours with wooden benches. I remember the preacher dressed a little funny and preached a little differently than I was used to. He prayed with his eyes open and his arms outstretched. When it was time, I put my quarter in the basket. Next, we had a break, and I finally saw the evidence I had expected, the evidence that the church was wrong. The adults sipped coffee and visited, while the kids ate cookies, drank punch, and ran outside for a few minutes.
After the break, we went to Sunday school class. The teacher asked me the names of the first four books in the New Testament, and I froze. I could not remember even one of them. Of course I’d rattled them off in my own church. I had proof of that with a little plastic symbol of a book on my bandalo, but my mouth was completely dry. So the teacher started us off, and all the children chanted–Mathew, Mark, Luke… I was embarrassed. Here I belonged to the one true church and these kids seemed to know more than I did.
I made it through. And I never went back. I’m glad that my mother insisted that I go to church with my friend. I learned something I never forgot. Being in the minority can be intimidating, uncomfortable, and even frightening. It didn’t really sink in for a long time. I was well into adulthood before the lesson had it’s full impact on me. Being in the religious minority in Utah can be intimidating, uncomfortable, and at times frightening. Ask any non-LDS person in Utah, and if they are honest with you, they will share negative experiences varying from hurtful to horrific. We teach our children to share the gospel with their friends. Unfortunately with limited social skills our children may feel obligated to tell their playmates that their churches are wrong. Or they may ask them why they don’t attend the true church. Or they will tell their friends that their parents are bad because they drink beer, coffee, or smoke. I wish missionary work wasn’t taught to primary children and our youth. This one principle causes grief for our friends, and puts stress on families who most likely have their own faith. You can argue that they should be like my mother and happy to send them to their friend’s church, but it isn’t the same when the power is uneven.
I wish that instead of teaching every member a missionary that we taught every member a friend. A friend invites to include others and makes them feel welcome. A friend respects beliefs. A friend is interested in their friend’s belief system rather than just wanting to teach their own agenda. Not too long ago I was asked to give a talk to youth on missionary work. I stressed that it isn’t fair to teach about our church, unless you have a sincere interest in your friend’s belief system. Don’t expect your friend to listen to you, unless you are willing to listen to them. I stressed how intimidating it is to attend a church you aren’t used to, how exclusive we Mormons are with our daily language and conversation. Pay attention to how often a group of Mormons, even when there is someone who isn’t of our faith in the group, talks about things that revolve around, missions, callings, temple, mutual, young mens and so on and so on. Being respectful may mean toning conversation to include everyone in the group. Some of our LDS youth are under the impression that they are only supposed to date members of the church. How unfair for those ten percent who aren’t in the LDS faith when the prom comes along. We need to teach what “The Strength of Youth” pamphlet really says. It states to date only those with high standards, who allow you to keep LDS standards. Using this standard may exclude several LDS members, and include many who aren’t LDS. If our youth follow dating guidelines to date in groups until after their missions, then there is no reason to not include non-LDS friends in their dating activities.
In our small mostly LDS community, I have numerous friends representing a variety of religious traditions, Baptist, Catholic, Quaker, and generic Christian. My friendships are genuine because I have no agenda other than friendship. Since they know I respect their traditions, true camaraderie is possible. It’s my contention that if I had ulterior motives, mutual friendship would be impossible. I’ve talked at length with my Catholic friend, and to my Christian friend to try and understand what it would be like for them to live in our community. My devout Catholic friend said that when her children’s friends try to convert them, it shows a lack of respect for their own faith. She did however want to have her children included in non-religious activities whenever possible. My other good friend pointed out that I have a support system built in because of the church, and she has to get her support system elsewhere. She said that no matter where I move to, I will have an immediate group, where it has taken her years to establish that here, and starting over somewhere else would really be starting over from scratch. She’s right.
One of my friend’s mentioned how much she and her husband appreciated President Hinkley, how they felt he’d been good to teach tolerance and they respected him greatly for it. She hoped that President Monson would be able to do the same. We get the message in conference often, but the message is mixed. We’re taught to respect all religions and only offer true friendship, but as long as we stress “every member a missionary,” our young people will be excluding and hurting their friends. And we as adults, will be excluding and hurting our friends, only with a little more tact. Hopefully. And another thing, going back to my childhood experience, wouldn’t it be nice if WE had a social break between meetings, had a snack, visited, and made friends. I can suggest the perfect time too, shorten the block to two and half hours with a break between sacrament meeting and relief society/priesthood–skipping Sunday school altogether or reducing it to a few minutes. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I like the phrase “every member a friend.”
This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read on the Bloggernackle. Thank you.
I really agree with all you have said in this post. It is hard when I make a friend who is not a member. The difficulty is not that they don’t go to my church it comes when I want to invite them to other non-church activities that I participate in with mostly LDS members i.e. book club, mother’s group, exercise class. After my friends in the church find out about this friend they are soon asking if I have shared the gospel with them, as if this is the inevitable next step. I am not concerned about whether they know and embrace my religion. Most of my friends who don’t attend my church share my same values. This means they try to be loving and good, raise happy productive members of the world society and give service to those in need. I don’t think that they are missing anything when they have these values. It feels like a let down when members of our church would think my non-member friend is going to fail in this life because they don’t share the LDS faith. Yes, “every member a friend”, this is something I could live with and put into practice.
I feel pretty strongly about this also, and appreciate sentiments of this blog. A few months ago, I got of the phone with my mom and was so very frustrated and disappointed with her. She was so proud because she was planning on befriending a new woman in town solely so she could convert this wayward woman. I thought it was petty and fraudulent and just mean to slowly try to win this woman over simply to add her to your good deeds checklist. Just so you know, it hasn’t worked.
On the reverse side, several of my friends from high school (in California) have gotten baptized recently. We all had religious conversations, but simply those of curious teens wanting to understand what everyone else is doing. They came to a few activities, but only those that started and ended with a prayer and had no other religious contexts involved. I don’t think they got baptized because of my good example or because they finally came to see the truth of my beliefs after all these years, but I do think that seven years ago, I didn’t try to be pushy and self righteous towards them. By honestly being friends, they grew up with fairly positive, ambiguous feelings towards LDS people and beliefs. When they reached a point when they honestly cared about having some form of religion in their life, they were free to search out the church on their own. Without guilt.
I think it is far better to have new members who consciously seek out the church, then to guilt/trick/bribe them into being baptized. I also think shorter hours and a snack could only improve church attendance.
I wholeheartedly embrace the “every member a friend” concept. It is refreshing to hear someone from “behind the Mormon curtain” express this. Having lived outside of that “curtain” my whole life (except for my education years at BYU), but having married someone from inside, I am very aware of how the prevailing attitude is perceived by those on the outside of the Church. My children, having grown up all around the country/world (military kids), understand and live the every member a friend lifestyle.
Only one thing in the blog and responses bothers me. Several feel that our meetings need to be more social. I think that would detract from the REAL purpose of those meetings. We have so much of socializing with all of the non-sabbath day activities. Sunday is for worship, exploring our personal relationship with God, and finding ways to improve that relationship; and for helping others along that path by sharing what we learn with others. Punch and cookies would likely trivialize that experience.
Marty–criticism well taken. Although the comment about punch and cookies was meant to be tongue in cheek, I don’t think I’d complain if it was offered. But you have to take this from a person who has hunger/pain/ulcer issues who is often eying the toddler Cheerios on the row behind me with envy. I often literally run home between meetings to grab a snack.
Thanks for all the comments. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in my sentiments. I should also make it clear that I have no problem with full-time missionaries. They are in uniform, so preaching and having ulterior motives doesn’t come as a surprise to people. But when your ordinary member does the same thing, it’s similar to how you feel when you are invited to a social gathering, a dinner party, and fine out you’ve been duped into an Amway meeting.
Enjoyed the blog. It seems that so many (I include myself in this that I am about to share) feel that if they are NOT actively persuing a future member of the Church…they are outcast. It is understood that every member is a missionary…but too many judge wrongly and forget that being a member missionary takes time.
I have been working with a family to help them to understand the teachings of our faith. They truly are what our family used to be termed in the older days, “Golden.” But, again it takes time, love and patience.
I wish members of the church…especially those in local leadership positions would embrace your every member a friend theory…and take the pressure off.
We all know the importance of sharing…but in the meantime…we are forgotten to an extent that I am sure if we didn’t bother to show up since we don’t have a non-member at Church every Sunday…we wouldn’t be missed either.
There are a lot of feelings that many members have, but are afraid to share.
The gospel is true…but we need to not judge and be patient with one another and love one another regardless of what we see or don’t see at Church. It’s unfair.
Thanks for the blog.
Thank you! This is such a great article. I believe at times we forget that we are dealing with people not converts. I joined the Church because I know it’s true but if it weren’t for friends who invited me to early morning seminary or Sunday dinners, my conversion would have been a lot harder.
Thanks again!
Great post, I think the ideas are right on, but perhaps you over-estimate the tact displayed by many legacy members of the church, inside Utah and out.
Excellent post!
Thanks for the great post. Very well written.
I really, really like this. DH and I had a conversation about this very topic just a day or two ago. Member missionary work is our current Bishop’s favorite subject, and he is always extending “challenges” to us as a ward in this area. Also it is often the subject assigned to sacrament meeting speakers. I used to feel a lot of guilt because although I felt I had a deep love for God and a strong testimony,I did not enjoy missionary work as it was almost always awkward for me. The only time it wasn’t awkward was when the subject of religion naturally came up between me and a friend, and I wasn’t looking to bring it up. Just in the last year or so I have started to let go of the guilt. I firmly believe that I’m a much more genuine friend when I don’t have “how can I introduce them to the church??” in the back of my mind. I would actually love to expand my horizons and meet more friends of differing religious backgrounds–I live in the corridor, and am a stay at home mom, so most of the people I associate with are TBM.
Great post. and very appropriate. Though, having been a member outside of Utah, your suggestion is our way of life. In fact, we would rather our friends be surprised that we are LDS, then if we have had a “missionary moment” with them. They come to know us as people and not just as Mormons, with whatever baggage that may bring.
it has worked well for us.
I wish missionary work wasn’t taught to Primary children either. A couple years ago our Primary issued weekly “mission calls.” When it was your turn, you were supposed to spend the week trying to share the Gospel in some way and then report back the following Sunday. With my son, it wasn’t such a big deal because he decided he’d just be a good example (a boy after my own heart), but my daughter really took it seriously. She made a plan to share the gospel with her best friend and give her a pass-along card and everything, but she was really nervous and stressed out about it. I kept trying to tell her she didn’t have to “be a missionary” in this specific way, but other kids her age had shared experiences like this, and she wanted to do the same thing. Unfortunately, it did not go over so well with her friend, who was polite but refused the pass-along card, and my daughter felt like she’d failed. Fortunately, the friendship continued without awkwardness, but my daughter still occasionally has angst about her friends not ending up in the CK if they don’t join the true church. It makes me nuts.
I like “Every member a friend.” A real friend can share the gospel naturally when it is appropriate.
C.J. — what a well written, funny, poignant post. “And of course I knew it was the wrong church… they were sipping coffee” — hilarious — but so true — I had that mindset myself. I really wished that as a missionary I would have taken more time to learn about the Japanese values and their culture — and not just for the sake of appearnaces so I could gradually and seamlessly turn discussion towards “the real truth” (aka BRT).
That said, I’m going to have to gently dissagree with your “every member a friend” slogan, and here’s why:
This story is apocraphal, but I love it. This is supposedly going back about 16-18 years, when the MTC first put the really nice sand vollyball courts in across the street. BYU students were coming and using them, and the missionaries were complaining. Soon a sign was put up outside the courts that said “for missionary use only.” The next day, the sign had a little handwritten message beneath it: “every member a missionary.” So if we change to your slogan, I won’t be able to use the courts anymore…
Seriously though, I think one of the hardest things for me in breaking out of the “always-be-on-guard-for-that-missionary-moment-because-everyone-is-always-watching-you” mode was to really hold myself to the same standard I held my non-member friends to — that is that if I expected them to admit that maybe my way of seeing things actually “made sense” a little better than theirs did, that I would have to do the same for them. I never had much trouble expecting them to admit when they might be wrong, but it took a while for me to be comfortable admitting I might be wrong, too. And that slippery slope is guarded with cherubim and a flaming sword in most Mormon circles I’ve been in. But I’m glad it can be talked about here.
Great post.
When you think about it, the motto should be changed to “every member a friend” because I believe you have to be a friend before you can be a missionary in the true sense. I love the way you think and I hope that everyone who reads this posting will rememeber it.
I’ve heard several members of the Church tell of experiences they’ve had when the Jehovah’s Witnesses come knocking on their door. They’re eager to share the Book of Mormon with them, but refuse to accept or read any of their literature. I’ve asked myself, how is that for having a missionary spirit?
I loved this post. I grew up in a family where my dad wasn’t LDS and none of my extended family were either. I learned at an early age the futility of “preaching” to extended family members who were far more Christlike than I was. I know that most of the time we do it because we want to share something we love, but it usually just comes off as condescending. BTW one of my pet peeves about the LDS lexicon is the term “non-member.” I hate it. I hated it when people called my dad a “non-member;” it implied that he wasn’t one of “us.” He was the “other.” When we use it without any clarification, it just sounds so jr. high school you’re-in-the-clique-or-you-just-aren’t-one-of-us. Or at least that’s how it sounds to me.
I have to say that I love the idea of the 2 and 1/2 hour block with a social break in the middle. It makes me think of having a piece of pie at the temple cafeteria before or after a session, which I think only adds to the experience. ;o)
Threadjack: to whom could I send a email about a guest post that I have written and would like to post?
I grew up in Utah and for most of my life I had all LDS friends. In high school I ended up breaking ties with many of them in favor of friendships with a few non-LDS girls I knew. Good girls, with standards and values, beliefs they lived!
My best friend was the daughter of a born-again Christian church in Utah Valley. My LDS friends struggled with their testimonies and upholding their standards, but this friend never wavered in her testimony of Jesus Christ. My parents trusted her implicitly and in turn her parents knew they could trust my standards.
I never converted her. I didn’t really try to. I gave her opportunities to go to activities, and she did, but mostly we just shared our faith in Jesus Christ. It continues in my memory as one of the best friendships I’ve had. My horizons were widened and I think people could learn a lot by being more open to close friendships with people of other faiths–minus the “missionary” overzealousness.
Sorry, I meant daughter of a born-again Christian minister.