I heard a story about a man of action. He had accomplished a great deal in his life; he’d had adventures, and engaged in interesting and creative hobbies. His wife followed him. In the process she also had adventures and engaged in interesting and creative hobbies. But they were his choices, his ideas. He was the instigator. He was the actor. She was along for the ride.
I find myself in much the same situation, and it bothers me. Few people who knew me back in my single parent days would describe me as a follower. If things happened in my life, I made them happen. Nobody was going to do it for me! Now, after ten years of marriage, I find myself a reactor to the life that’s happening around me, instead of creating the life I want to live.
I wonder how much my twenty years of church indoctrination has contributed to this? Nothing is really keeping me from writing music reviews, or auditioning for local theatre, or marching for peace from Washington Square through the French Quarter on October 27th. My husband would encourage my pursuit of my own interests and certainly isn’t standing in my way. However, I seem to think that the only valid alternative use of the hours I spend on the internet is housework. And I hate housework.
I think the church has not-so-subtly encouraged my passivity. I do what I’ve been called to do, and if I’ve not been called to do it, I don’t. I’m not creating my own life. I’m existing within the life I’ve landed in. It doesn’t have to be this way. So why is it? How do we become actors in our own lives, instead of reactors to others? I am reminded of a line from the play Auntie Mame: “Life is a banquet,” Mame Dennis declared, “and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death.”
Interesting thoughts, Ann. Did you hear General Conference? I wonder if you feel that a talk like Sister Beck’s further encourages this sort of passivity you mention?
My impression of her talk, and much of traditional Mormon thought (and indeed, traditional western thought) on the role of women, is that the only “Creator”-role they are to play is that of creating life through motherhood (which is, of course, no small calling or role) and creating a home. The creation of wealth is to be done by the husband. Creation of family plans and goals, somewhat a joint-proposition, but largely the role of the father. Etc.
But as you mention, the task of self-creation and self-definition is, if not denied, tacitly discouraged, especially if it means a less-traditional role for a woman.
Also, how do men who consider themselves feminist (to the extent that a man can be) go about bucking this, and actively encouraging the women in their life to be creative?
I have noticed that as I step away from the church I feel that I have more clarity about my life. I am more willing to create the life that I want. I also am happier.
I think that maybe the church does discourage self creation. We have so many things that are decided for us by the docterine, and whatever is left the culture takes care of.
Andrew-that is a great question. For me personally and the women I know, encouragement might be the first step. Just knowing that other people support what you are doing makes it easier to do.
Agree.
I believe church (individuals) immersion acts to disincline if not actively discourage active roles in schools, community, etc. The monolithic political culture of LDS/Utah adds to this effect.
This is a Fact of LDS life/culture, no one should deny it; even just the time committment required to be an active member filling usual callings works Against involvement in other activites, For apathy & social disconnection.
To be an LDS ‘insider’ (callings, Temple attendance, etc.) is virtually Mutually Exclusive of being engaged with community; Perhaps this is not as apparent inside the Moridor as outside.
(To me) LDS GAs, COB are SURELY aware of the above; they give little other than lip service to being engaged in-with community other than church activities/responsibilities.
I guess necessity is the mother of invention. I graduated with a masters degree at BYU in marriage and family therapy in 1999 with no husband. I was 25 years old. For the next 4 years I worked my butt off building my career (getting licensed and starting a private practice). I was single for those years between ages 25 and 30, so besides working an average of 50-55 hours a week and caring the home that I bought on my own, I had a some time left over to “invent” myself and my lifestyle. Admittedly, I wanted to be married (not because the church brainwashed me) but I wasn’t going to throw myself off a cliff over my single status. Those years were productive for me in terms of intellectual and cultural stimulation. I loved the time spent travelling, studying about modern painting and becoming friends with artists, learning rhythm tap dancing, attending gobs of Sundance films, attending fashion week in Manhattan with my designer friend, embracing Salt Lake City hiking trails on my own from a guide book I ordered on Amazon, being a mentor to my nieces, etc. I could have chosen to spend some of that engrossing time showing up for church pot lucks and volleyball games, or pouring myself more fervently into my calling and visiting teaching had I wanted to, but I knew I needed to do something that would meet my needs so that I could continue to go on in a productive life without getting discouraged. Sometimes we have to take charge of our lives and do things in less conventional ways in order to exist with less despair. Incidentally, I got married a little over a year ago to attorney who is unfortunately not licensed in the state of Utah, where we reside, so everything isn’t Mormon cookie-cutter in terms of traditional sex roles. I am the bread winner while he is trying to drum up legal assistant work that he can do in the interim while he waits for licensure. It’s no fun working 2 jobs all the time and I wouldn’t mind something a little more conventional for a change so that I could again catch my breath! My advice is to find your passion and being part of the church doesn’t have to supersede that when you just say “no”. Take it for what it’s worth. I guess I learned a lot about myself in the years of college and not marrying until the age of 32, and while there were some challenges thrown in with that mix, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.