Archive for August, 2007

Icon or Punchline?

This weekend Second City Touring Company made it to my corner of Georgia. The comedy troupe that gave us such greats as John Candy and Stephen Colbert spent Saturday night in little ol’ Statesboro. They performed classic skits from the past and poked fun at current events as well. It was a great evening of laughs.

The curious thing happened at the end. Their last act was completely improvised. It began with the actors taking the pose of a letter, and then acting in whatever way suggested by that letter. On Saturday night, the letters “M” and “D” suggested to the cast monkeys or chimps. The way the skit worked, when the moment seemed right one of the cast members watching the others would say “Freeze!” and assume the same pose as the other actor, but take the skit an entirely different direction. It was a riot.

So, what was the curious thing? At what turned out to be the very end of the performance, 5 of the 6 cast members are all huddled together — one inside the huddle and four surrounding him in a circle — and the 6th yells “Freeze!” but then says, “The Mormons!” And then the lights went out; that was the end of the skit.

A group of people huddled together could be many things, but “The Mormons”? It left me wondering whether this actor is/was LDS, or what connections he might have with the church. The huddle was reminiscent of a prayer circle; maybe our comic knew it from Dutcher’s States of Grace, or Big Love, or some other film where the image has appeared prominently. Or, maybe the pose suggested to him the “love-bombing” that sometimes happens with investigators.

At any rate, I was intrigued that this iconic pose was known well enough that in a fast-moving improvisation game, “The Mormons” is what came to the actor’s mind. I also wondered what the audience’s laughter represented. Honestly, I have a hard time believing that the typical person attending that performance knows an LDS prayer circle, even if it is an iconic LDS image in Mormons’ minds. Instead, it seems that “The Mormons” is really a punchline, a funny name given to a weird pose. Maybe it would be different in Salt Lake or Cedar City, but not in this backwater Baptist town.

September Dawn

Brief Background: September Dawn is a film by Christopher Cain about the most horrific event in Mormon history, The Mountain Meadows Massacre. It’s just gone into wide release today.

I don’t like violence in film. I’ve never seen even a single episode of The Sopranos. However, I always loved my buddy Randy’s great summaries of the show. In the same vein, I haven’t seen September Dawn and I’m pretty sure I won’t, but I’ve enjoyed reading the reviews.  The most used adjective is “ham-fisted.”

Insert shameless plug for another John Dehlin Production

John Hamer, the Executive Director of the John Whitmer Historical Association, saw an invited preview of September Dawn in early June. A regular participant in the Mormon Matters panel, he gave the film a solid thumbs down in episode three of the Mormon Matters podcast.

I would love to read what some of you think of the film if you’ve seen it.

Confessions of a Garment-Wearing Malcontent

Exponent II has an interesting post by Caroline called Tales from a Garment Wearer.  As is typical with these every-month-or-so garments-themed blog posts that spring up around the bloggernacle, the comments are fascinating, personal, and diverse.   

I appreciate and respect the degree to which garments bless and comfort the majority of Latter-day Saints.  But my appreciation and respect is of the “outside looking in” variety.  I feel the same about fans of opera, or Lord of the Rings— you can explain why shrieking valkyries, or stout, pointy-eared hobbits are meaningful to you until you are blue in the face… you can enroll me in every opera appreciation class and LOTR fan club known to man… but I just cannot feel it myself.  It just bounces right off of me.  I can only understand your love of garments/opera/LOTR intellectually by comparing it to something that gives me the same feeling.

Continue reading ‘Confessions of a Garment-Wearing Malcontent’

Faith and Doubt

Two years ago, my little boy was splashing around in a hotel pool with my grown-up daughter and her two young children. I turned my back for a few minutes to call my husband from the pool phone. When I turned around, there was a splashing going on and I couldn’t see my son. My daughter was a good ten feet away and had her own children in her arms. I hung up the phone and ran to the side of the pool. He was on his back, his face under water, kicking and flailing. I jumped in the pool, walked over to him, and picked him up. I carried him to the side of the pool where a hotel guest lifted him out and laid him on his side. My son was conscious. His lips were blue. He coughed and spluttered and water came out. People kept handing me towels.

Within a few minutes he was fine. I took him back to our hotel room to get him dressed and dried off, then my husband took him down to my daughter’s room, because he wanted to play video games. I had functioned fine while The Kid was around, but after he left, I broke down. I sobbed for a half hour. For days (months?) afterwards, I would close my eyes and see it again - my beautiful boy, thrashing around in the water. Even now, two years later, I get teary thinking about it.

When terrible things happen, sometimes they come back to us unbidden.

When I lost my faith I went into a serious depression. I would wake up in the morning and think, “Damn,” because I wanted so much to just go to sleep and never wake up. I tried to think of ways I could kill myself that would not affect my family negatively, because I simply knew (I knew) that they would be better off if I was dead. It took me the better part of two years to completely climb out of it, and I still have occasional relapses.

The Thursday evening Sunstone session, “Faith and Doubt”: A Never-Before-Seen Act from The Mormons, brought that awful time back full force. It was horrifying. Two stories grabbed me by the throat. Both were accounts by long-time members who had lost their faith. Both described how they saw taking their lives as a solution to their problems. One talked about driving up to Snowbird and thinking about driving down the canyon road, but neglecting to steer. The other overdosed on sleeping pills. Listening to their stories was like looking into a deep abyss and seeing myself at the bottom, trying to claw my way up.

There was a wonderful positive segment by Terryl Givens at the end, but it was too little, too late. I was very glad when the session was over. The next session I attended was “Using Humor to Negotiate Mormon Culture and Faith.” Cartoons, comics, and Robert Kirby. It was a huge relief.

Many of the people I had lunch with on Friday were quite surprised by my characterization of the “Faith and Doubt” Act as “awful.” But I’ve been there. The stories echoed a terrible time in my life. And I never, ever, want to go back.

Rough Stone Rolling

[Note: I know people usually review books that are new and edgy, but I'm a little behind the times.  Hopefully this will be useful or engaging for some of you weary middle-road travelers, even if it is a year late.]

I’ve always been a bit of a voyeur. Not the perverted sort you might chase from the bushes under your window, mind you, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I love to eavesdrop on conversations people have in public places. I suspect the reality TV boon feeds on society’s collective curiosity by giving us an acceptable outlet for voyeurism, and though I don’t watch much TV these days I certainly understand the appeal.

I’m a harmless enough voyeur, and also a hopeless daydreamer. My wife has a certain look, a sort of amused, patronizing smirk, which she gives me every time I begin a sentence with, “Wouldn’t it be cool if….” I see that look a lot, because I frequently fantasize about the ideal situation. It’s been a hobby since I was a child.

I’m not only talking about big dreams, like wouldn’t it be cool if every dollar we spent was replaced by a dollar and a quarter in our bank account? I also fantasize about obscure things, like wouldn’t it be cool if our shoes tracked our steps and reported statistics and GPS coordinates on a Google maps mashup? Just think—you could look back in life and know that you walked 3.2 miles the day you got your first job, or that you almost crossed paths with your future wife four times before you finally met, or that if you had walked one block further yesterday you would have seen Regis Philbin leaving Coldstone. Regis Philbin!!

For an idealistic voyeur like me, it makes sense to wish for front row seats to crucial and controversial conversations in history. With the right view I’d know for sure if Floyd Landis cheated to win the Tour de France, or whether George Bush is as dishonest as he has lately seemed, or if Paula Abdul is really sober as she publicly claims.

These would be interesting things to know, but if I were able to be a fly on any wall, past or present, I would certainly choose the house of Joseph and Emma Smith. Were their arguments as spectacular as Joseph’s diarists described? Did Emma really push one of her competing wives down a flight of stairs? How many of his 30+ wives did she actually know about? Did Joseph honestly believe he spoke with God?

I’ve just finished reading Rough Stone Rolling by Richard Bushman, a patriarch in New York and obviously faithful Mormon. This 560-page biography of Joseph Smith was a bit of a slog at times, but it added new dimension and intrigue to the man and his religion and I’m glad to have read it. It really made me wish there were a Joseph Smith reality TV show.

The life of our founding prophet is discussed so frequently and blithely at church that he has almost become a caricature—a saintly, jovial man who loved to play stick ball and displayed Christ-like wisdom in every action. In reality, Joseph was a moody, hot-tempered, and arrogant man—who also liked to play stick ball and cared deeply for his friends. In other words he was, unlike the religious caricature we worship, quite human.

In spite of his flaws I came away from the book more convinced than ever that Joseph Smith was a genius. Not simply inspired, he had a phenomenally brilliant mind and rare ability to lead. Like many geniuses, he was dogged by fits of melancholy; like many leaders, he was arrogant and prone to publicly scrutinized folly.

Emma’s relationship with her husband is fascinating to me. She once called him “bigger than Bonaparte,” a quip which he lightly called her “wisest utterance.” She undoubtedly knew him better than anyone else on earth; while offering him comfort in his melancholy she would have heard the insecurities and naked honesty that frequently accompanies depression. There are hints throughout their relationship to so much going on below the surface—letters begging forgiveness for un-described wrongs, loud arguments lasting until three in the morning, and to the end, the sincerest affection one for the other.

Bushman’s book presents a prophet far different from the polished, incomplete version I learned about in seminary, yet certainly Emma’s understanding of the man would be many levels deeper than we can hope to know with even the best book. Wouldn’t it be cool if we knew what was spoken between those two? There is so much to wonder about.

If I had expected to find the Sunday-school version in this book, I would have found a lot to surprise me. Bushman addresses the treasure seeking, multiple first vision accounts, head-in-a-hat translation, criminal charges, and other interesting details from the earlier years of the Church, explaining many criticisms along the way. But the final years of Smith’s life were most interesting to me, culminating in his candidacy for president of the United States, ordination as king, and increasingly deceitful polygamy that would ultimately lead to his murder.

Bushman has said his goal in writing the book was to convince people that learning authentic Church history does not have to lead to apostasy. The evidence doesn’t force you to leave the Church, he said in an interview with John Dehlin, and I admire his determination to pursue an accurate history without destroying faith. Perhaps to achieve that end, Bushman occasionally takes the reader to the edge of a steep ravine but not past the cusp, introducing topics like Zelph the white Lamanite or the Kinderhook plates without really exploring the implications.

So what has been the effect on me of reading a faithful but not faith-promoting biography of my Church’s founder? I’m not entirely sure my reaction has settled into a consistent feeling yet. At various points in the book I thought of Joseph Smith as ambitious, confused, mentally unstable, spiritual, fraudulent, brilliant, despicable, pitiful, and even prophetic. He was far more complex than either the faithful or the faithless seem inclined to believe, and while I don’t think the book convinced me one way or the other, I feel better prepared to leave the decision to faith.

Snooping on your ward members’ political leanings…

I thought others might be interested in checking out local support for Mitt Romney in your own area. You just enter the zipcode, choose his name, and you’ll see a list of everyone in that zipcode who’s donated more than $200 to him (or any other presidential candidate for that matter.) I can’t come up a with a good way to tie this into the middle way, except to say that the political conservatism is one of the things that make it hard for me to feel a real part of my own ward. (We’ve had several campaigns that spilled over into church meetings in the last few years.) My ward covers my entire zipcode and all his contributors are members of my ward. (This leads me to another question– if his only supporters are LDS, how long can he keep tapping them for money?)

Killer Kane

I’d heard good things about the movie New York Doll, but I was unprepared for just how strong a film this is. While in film school, LDS film student Greg Whiteley learns that Arthur “Killer” Kane is in his ward and preparing to play a concert with his fellow New York Dolls. This has been Kane’s dream, and comes after the group split up 30 years ago. During that time, Kane went from stardom and fame to obscurity. In the process he had a religious conversion and lived a humble life, working in the Los Angeles family history library while dreaming for the day when he and the other two remaining members of the Dolls might play together again.

Through the efforts of Morrissey, the group reunited in 2004 to play a concert that exceeded everyone’s expectations. Past hurt had been forgotten, and the band’s music was a triumph.

In case you don’t know Kane’s story, I won’t give away the ending of the film. I will say only that I was deeply touched by the story of this gentle soul. My musical tastes don’t include the style of the Dolls, but this film will be one I watch many times for its beautiful message.

New York Doll is a powerful and moving film. The story of a lost and hurt soul who found a home in Mormonism, Kane longed for the limelight he once knew. Sometimes dreams do come true.

The Peace of Being Nothing Special

I have had the opportunity over the past few years to study the writings of the Trappist monk, Thomas Merton.  From his conversion story in his book “The Seven Story Mountain,” to his later  writings on inter-religious dialogue, specifically his conversations with the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh, It has been amazing to learn about his journey. I reccommend his journals and books to anyone travelling along the “middle way”

It seems to me that I have greater peace and I am closer to God when I am not “trying to be contemplative,” or trying to be anything special, but simply orienting my life fully and completely towards what seems to be required of a man like me at a time like this.” T. Merton Jan 23 1958