In response to my own post, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” I came up with some interesting ideas of what’s in it for me by not deciding - by sitting on the fence, or in the lawn chair at the crossroads.
By not deciding, I’m maintaining the status quo, which is the path of least resistance and least disruptive to my family.
By sitting on the fence, I get to work both sides of the fence.
A huge part of this is my (self-perceived) place in the communities on both sides of the Mormon/DAMU divide. I have a lot of my ego tied up in being Nanna P, DAMU denizen and pontificator. Not as well known (but still someone people recognize) is Ann the Bloggernacler. Shallow, but there it is … in both places, I’m “somebody.” Without them, I just another working stiff. By staying on the fence I can be a welcome (beloved!) participant in both groups, as long as I adhere to the appropriate social norms for each (which is pretty easy to do, because I want to be liked). But because I’m on the fence, I won’t ever be wholly in either group.
And then of course there’s the really big inhibiting factor: fear. Fear of everything. Fear of being duped again. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear of making a big change, but nothing really changing.
So because I am basically a coward, I’ll probably just stay here in the lawn chair at the crossroads for a while longer. There be dragons down those roads.
(This is probably my public navel-gazing quota for the year. Thanks for the space.)
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